Archive: 11-29-05 to 01-29-06

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1/29/06

I studied a fierce chess opening for many hours overnight. Meanwhile, the TV gurgeled along picture only of course until Elvis entered the room (having been jarred by the same images in his attempts to sleep) to point out the special ludicrous nature of the infomercial I was ignoring. It was hosted by good old Barry Williams from the Brady bunch. Clad in a dated "nostalgic" cheesy polyester shirt he was praising an 8 or 9 cd collection of horrid..I mean fucking AWFUL pop tines from the 70's.

Remember, I was there..and I hated it then. I hated it enough that I'd sit in parked cars in the mid 70's getting drunk listening closely and scoffing...HOOTING...at "American top 40"...often with my pal Mike McNally....sometimes with others including a few who were a little bit too impressed by a few of the songs for me to have ever been long term friends with them.

I keep telling you...even though I may be your parents age...I'm NOT like your parents. I may get misty eyed over old music...but it sure wasn't any of THAT horseshit. My tastes run to much older and much newer stuff even though I was a teenager then. Dean Martin, Gene Vincent, Esquirita, Red Sovine, Hank Thompson, the Cramps, the Sex Pistols, Chubby Checker. THAT'S the stuff I get dewey eyed over.

I immediately wished that my new political fave Ahmadenejad (sp?) from Iran were present to slice off my ears and toss a handful of his Islamic fairy dust in my eyes to block out such Western drivel.

Suddenly, it hit me; the kind of morons dumb enough to seriously watch infomercials in the middle of the night with their check books handy are FAIR GAME. They're the PERFECT audience to sell worthless "memorable" sham tunes that were warbeled by imbeciles who plainly look according to the "rare" video footage like cliche hippies (the Bellamy Brothers for instance), 3rd rate Holiday Inn lounge entertainers with greasy Radio shack hairdo's and mustaches (take a gander at Joey Scarbury..70's POP star) and stooges hired by tin pan alley producers to sing maudlin crap that maybe your PARENTS get nostalgic over....but nobody with better than 70+ IQ points would listen to by choice.

One day 30 years in the future you'll be fair game for similar packages of horseshit music from the "great 90's"or the amazing 2000's. Most of you will suck up that dogshit in whatever format they've conned everybody into then. As for me...I hated the 90's and 2000's too....for the most part. Maybe they'll have the guy from Green day or some great talent from "friends" pitching the package.

Just like your parents...you won't be able to resist.

If I'm still alive then...and if Iran hasn't converted us all by the force of their Islamic wills into following their way...I'll be there laughing at you...and pointing out to the new temporary (perhaps) crop of discriminating listeners what a load of horseshit commercial radio is and has been. What a WASTE has been made of actual good non-commercial music from every era in favor or crap so bad it's not even funny after 3-4 minutes.

1/27/06

I just reread my last entry and am humiliated at my inaccuracy. I've really fucked up this time...and I vow to work harder in the future to get the facts straight before I spout off.

My words were 99% correct...but I made one cruicial error I must apologize for. Mr. Fuji (whom I compared to the new Iranian President Ahmadinejad) didn't toss SAND in his opponents eyes...it was SALT...likely some sort of sacred and mysterious salt...NOT sand at all.

I apologize to Mr. Fuji and any readers who caught my boo boo and were offended. I'll try to get the facts straight in the future.

Marla and I were talking about of all things BREAD this evening.

Now, I know a lot of you take whatever bread you eat for granted..but we've lived a few places around this fine country and I'll guarandamn-fucking-T you that there's a huge range in quality from region to region.

My old man used to quote poets and philosophers and aesthetes at the dinner table. He reminded us about 3 times a week that bread is referred to as the "staff of life" in the bible. Bread was very, very, important to him; he was raised up in Missouri and HAD to have bread in order to eat. A couple rolls might suffice if he found himself breadless at a restaurant or private dinner party..but he HAD to have bread to eat. It was like a special utensil.

I liked that personal bread quirk of his.

I've met plenty of folks over the years whose tastes in bread were as wide ranging as the political spectrum. I've known hippies who were picky about eating only health nut bread...people who DEMANDED Wonder bread just as vehemently...and of course people who LOATHED Wonder bread.

Marla and I have enjoyed 25+ years of wedded bliss in which we've been semi-compatable about bread. Neither one of us is fond of that really thin processed wonder bread style shit. If selecting a loaf for everyday use she prefers wheat and I prefer white when it comes to the sort of stuff you might daily ram into your toaster.

Most of the time our plans for bread go beyond toast though. 9 out of 10 loaves are probably bought with some sort of sandwich in mind. We both love all types of Rye...Jewish, Russian, etc.

We both ate our share of sourdough on the West coast (it's dominant in many places there) but both had a bread reawakening when we lived in Philly. Simply put, the hoagie rolls and cheesesteak rolls found there put everything else to fucking SHAME this side of Europe.

If you order a "Philly" cheesesteak in Chi-town or Seattle they're gonna serve it up on sourdough...which is a revolting bastardization of a world class sandwich.

I even saw Emeril do it one time....fucking sourdough...HAH!

Just like hamburger is great....until you've learned about the better cuts...sourdough is fine and dandy...until you've tried TOP NOTCH Italian bread in Philly.

Texas is a GREAT place for Mexican and BBQ and Whattaburgers RULE and truckstop chicken fried steak is almost always lip smacking...but the bread consumed here an often be deliberately ignorant.

You can order a world class pile of BBQ at a place that's been around for 80 years and find nestled alongside your meat several slices of the thinnest, most pathetic Wonder bread imaginable. I saw this occur on TV and thought it was an isolated exception...but NO. They're serious.

I'm all in favor of respecting longtime traditions..but GIMME a fugging BREAK. Wonder bread??

Marla pointed at a popular regional deli chain joint tonight and declared it unfit for future dining; it seems as though her employer catered in a platter of sandwiches from there built on pathetic bread that tasted to her like it had been wrapped in plastic for a long time.

They served sandwiches on REAL bread in Philly in convenience stores (WaWa) that was 10 times better.

I LOVE bagels...and I HATE hippie bread with sticks and bullshit in it. I find the bread at Subway to be "safe" nationwide. My regular order is tuna on a garlic/onion roll with swiss cheese and mustard. Washed down with a V8 juice and water is my sort of healthy on the road preferred meal you an get anywhere that isn't going to make me shit like a goose. My 2nd choice is an Italian hoagie. I'd prefer an East coast capicoli grinder...but Subway doesn't offer it and likely never will.

The most unique and actually pretty damned good sandwiches here in San Marcos are served at a place called Alvin Ords that serves lots of grilled sandwiches. It's an old place...perhaps LBJ ate there when he was a student at the University across the street back when he was taking his famous tool "jumbo" for walks with co-eds.

It's miles beyond wonder bread. UURRPPPPP.

Oh well....it could be worse...I could be in Eugene Oregon home of hippie bread I couldn't eat at all.

We need an influx of Jews, Italians and Asians to provide a break from the BBQ and Mexican chow here....not to mention the subgrade plastic tasting hoagie "rolls" that Marla says she almost gagged on. Come on down folks.

1/26/06

I've been fascinated recently by the WWE style dialogue coming out of Iran....most specifically out of the mouth of their new President a guy named Ahmadinejad. This is the guy who bluntly an repeatedly suggests the need to wipe Israel off the map...and refers to them as a "tumor". Every time I read a news report in which this obvious religious radical looney promises Iran only wants nuke technology for electricity purposes, I'm reminded of good old smiling Mr. Fuji one hand extended towards his opponent...while the other holds a concealed packet of sand he's about to flick in the guys face the minute he lets his guard down.

Americans are often confused by the 18th century jargon and brash threats often uttered by leaders from that part of the globe since they make frequent claims to the pain and death that is about to rain down upon their foes even months after their army's have fallen. Yunno...something like "the infidels shall die by allahs sword at our cities gates". Of course let's not forget all the promises of virgins to screw in the afterlife for suicide bombers.

Ahmadinejad understands the gullible nature of his people; he had to in order to come to power.

May I remind you though ( as a lifelong cynic ) up until Vince McMahon Jr. broke kayfabe publicly a few years back, YOUR older relations...hell, maybe YOU even when you were young bought into the same sort of nonsense.

Mr. Fuji really, really pissed people off. So did The Von Steiger Brothers (our local nazi wrestlers in the northwest territory) the Iron sheik (who in Portland came to the ring with a prayer rug and a "loaded" Arabic looking boot) the mad Russian (a cold war era local heel) Apache Bull Ramos (he used similar dialogue such as "when I BEAT you Lonnie Mayne you'll be good for nothing but chewing leather for moccasins with the squaws") and of course hundreds of fine wrestlers over the years whom I love an admire for entertaining me over the years.

Old school wrestling promoters and workers REALLY knew how to push peoples buttons to develope interest in their promotions.

So, I've gotta say this: Ahmadinejad and his speech writers would've made DAMN good money in the wrestling business. So would Saddam Hussein (did you hear about his threats today to sue Pres. Bush and P.M. Tony Blair??)

These middle east guys push different buttons that work on people raised on the local religion....just like many politicians here.

The great difference to me is 1) alcohol and worldly pleasures may be considered sinful over here by our over bearing christians...but they're CRIMES over there. The christians may want to CONVERT me...but Muslim's in great numbers would be overjoyed to see me and you and all our sick booze and drug and porn using friends DEAD.....and we're not even christians?!?!?

2) If you think your rights and freedom of expression are limited here, try "expressing yourself" in Iran.

Hey, I'll repeat it for the bonehead diehards reading this...I KNOW how many conservative christians don't approve of my life style here in the USA; they've never held me back one iota since I was in High school.

The religious pressures and INTENSITY in quite a few Muslim nations are over the top in comparison.

This isn't propaganda....I'm a hedonist...not a member of the Republican party...not a Democrat. Not affiliated with anybody. If you want to believe that Iran is some sort of progressive, enlightened and non-threatening nation due to your hatred for Bush...I can't stop you. I've known several folks from Iran over the years who I personally liked quite a bit. Iranians aren't the "boogeyman" to me. I hope a more reasonable and less wacky secular government takes over after this new kook and his ilk get blown to the blessed afterlife they're so obsessed with.

Some heavy shit is on the horizon....don't be fooled by the Mr. Fuji schtick...this guy isn't going to go away peacefully. He's gonna flick that sand...unless somebody takes him out one way or another first. He's like an out of control loudmouth in a bar..who will get to him first?? Will his buddies drag his ass out of there...or will somebody lower the boom on him first????

1/21/06

There's a common thread that relates to most human endeavors ranging from backyard BBq-ing to tough man contests...from the competitive baking scene at your local State fair to the brutal inner city streets where rival gangs cruise around wasting people in mass numbers. There's a truth that it would behoove high school football players, performance artists, used car salesmen, poets, poker players and yes even collectors of dreck ranging from vinyl LP's to Beenie baby's to souvenir spoons and Barbie crap.

Deep down inside quite a few of these folks (though certainly not anywhere near all of them and in some cases not even a majority of them) think they're "BAD"...yunno....not really bad..."BAD" as in good.

Here's Whiskey Rebel's law: No matter what your station in life or human pursuit...he or she who fancies themselves to be "bad" is in almost every case just a big fish operating in a small pond or scene.

The most convenient folks who are almost always seriously deluded are people who play in bands and brawl in taverns and walk their local turf in groups. Lets not forget playground basketball players, people who consider themselves to be superior drivers and "hunks" out on the prowl for pussy.

Reality is more likely warped in areas in which people are able to surround themselves with gleeful back slapping supporters. Sometimes it's all innocent and harmless; hey..who doesn't want to pretend that their Granny can bake a "bad" pie? If you've seen a pal of yours knock a few dudes on their asses (perhaps defending you) it's only natural to salute them as being bad.

A lot of delusion exists amongst the ranks of people who aren't likely to get peer support too.

The worst driver I ever road in a vehicle with considered himself to be hot shit behind the wheel. The most repulsive pussy magnets are the loudest and most misguided...aren't I right??

See..aren't I "bad"...just kidding.

Remember the old Andy Griffith show episode in which Aunt Bee considered her pickles to be "bad"?? You ever see an old UFC card from back in it's early days when guys who were BIG and able to kick ass in their neck of the woods would get discombobulated in 60 seconds by a guy half his size who was much closer to actually being "bad"??

The fact is of course although it's rare to see this pointed out....people who are REALLY "bad" are focused on perfecting their "game" whether it be Bruce Lee in his prime re-thinking his entire approach...or Michael Jordan focusing on defense. "Bad" golfers like Tiger Woods consider themselves to be works in progress.

What are you good at?? Are you really "bad"??? I mean literally??

Take my advise....you're probably not all that hot.

I try to judge myself by these rules....believe it or not. I used to think I was a hot chess player....until I got much better; now I know how much I suck. The same goes for other areas in which I exert myself. I may not be constantly trumpeting my weaknesses (unrealistic false modesty isn't the answer either) but I'm on the job trying to improve in spite of the fact that there are those who say I'm "bad". Praise can be a very good thing when used to get one through shitty times...and I like getting it...but it should spur you on to better things whether your gig is real estate sales, film making or basket fucking weaving.

Hey, think you're a "bad" drinker?? a real party animal??

You're a putz compared to two guys I knew of who weighed in at about 350 pounds each; they'd sit daily in their back yard in sturdy padded chairs with a keg at each mans side. Now THAT's bad...

Sam Clemens turning away from the security of non-fiction commercial books to unfamiliar fiction well into his career....now that's BAD. That took balls.

Babe Ruth was badder than Bonds or Aaron or Cobb even because none of them were world class pitchers like he was.

HANK III following his own vision and creating an entire fresh multi genre musical experience rather than playing it safe....

Terry Funk learning and incorporating a moonsault in his 50's!!! Now THAT'S BAD.

My favorite all time badass actor Lee Marvin playing an eventual award winning comic part as a pathetic drunk in Cat Ballou..

If you're really pretty good at something....you owe it to yourself to get better rather than dropping anchor. You're probably not really BAD...but you might be one day...

UUUUUURPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

1/17/06

A couple weeks back during a back porch drinking session a guest made a statement that I was immediately inspired by; he said "I MAY BE STUPID..BUT I'M NOT A JACKASS!!!"

I'm not sure exactly what preceded his remark (besides several shots of Beam and many beers) but I thought to myself..anybody with that much insight into their own character really can't be THAT stupid.

In a rare moment of Oscar Wilde like snappy drunken wit I turned the tables by exclaiming: "WELL, I MAY BE A JACKASS......BUT I'M NOT STUPID!!

Being "smart" isn't necessarily related to the length of your schooling. Believe me...I've met my share of college professors. I spent 8 years working on a 4 year degree and both my old man and my Father in law earned masters degrees and taught at universities. Both of them..like most of their educated peers..had their area of expertise in which they certainly were authorities to be reckoned with but also were practicing nitwits when it came to other matters aside from their academic disciplines.

I've met over the years quite a few high school drop outs who even though they often saturated their brains with booze and drugs had far better understandings of human nature, literature, the essence of politics in action, philosophy, etc. etc. than a damn lot of the egghead ivory tower intellectuals I've known.

I've seen in action some GODDAMNED slick talkers from the streets and housing projects of Philly. Some of them would have made great lawyers if they had rich Daddy's like a whole lot of spoiled, clueless, brainless little leeching twerps like you see on college campuses from coast to coast.

Jayne County has a song that goes "it ain't how much you got that counts it's what you learn to DO...with what you got!". Even though she was obviously referring to tool size I think we can make a similar case for BRAIN size...or IQ..whatever the hell that is.

There's a sermon behind all of this. I've been thinking quite a bit over the last couple days about how gleefully STUPID so many young people are in America. It's a bitter pill to swallow...but quite a bit of the rest of the world is very aware of this even if few Americans understand it.

Of course a lot of criticism of Americans comes from wacko's who attack us from a moralistic stance that is based on either jealousy or organized non-christian religions...those people can kiss off for all I care. There's a lot of valid criticism too though that tends to get swept under the rug. Millions and millions of Americans look up to pea brained entertainers like Oprah or Enema M or Madonna or glitzy, airheaded and worthless fucks like Paris Hilton for guidance and direction. Every development in the lives of shit for brains like Jennifer Lopez or Al Sharpton or Jessica Simpson or Ted Kennedy or Brad Pitt or Jerry Falwell is digested by the media and given exaggerated importance.

TV has been dumbed down to such an extent that nobody seems to notice or mind the fact that so much of it is now edited to appeal to government school "educated" fools with incredibly short attention spans.

It's been so long since any intelligent, original and thoughtful nonpolitical machine candidate stood a chance of being chosen for the white house that the two parties will just keep cranking out smiling, lying, politicians who are great at getting elected but piss poor when it comes to serving in an intelligent manner.

Hey, it's ALL about toeing a partisan line these days. It's ALL about blindly supporting the officials and public figures that represent YOUR side of the fence and blindly sucking up every rumor and insinuation and conspiracy theory cooked up to desecrate the other side.

PARTISAN POLITICS IS ALL.

Intelligence and wisdom and original thought has no place in American politics.

DUMB DOWN pop culture to the lowest common denominator...toss in an occasional sophomoric political salvo..label it "brilliant"...and watch how it sells.

See how easily the American "street" is distracted from the uncomfortable truth about how dumb their kids are..with manufactured quarterback controversies and microphones stuck in the faces of victims shocked next of kin.

WHY urge kids to crack the books and improve their minds; it's easier to have them boycott their own education as some sort of "statement". Make SURE they're indoctrinated in partisan politics though.

Kids are nurtured into scraping the intellectual bottom of the barrel when they're lead by well meaning or not to well meaning scheming adults into recognizing a single issue or CAUSE as pre-eminent. Your mind can't develop pickled in a brine of self righteous preaching.

I'd suggest academic study for kids and keeping causes on the back burner...but CAUSES ARE ALL. Hey, Madonna says so...and she's some sort of genius..right??

Oh well. A few decades down the line the dumbing down of America will end inevitably; my Grandchildren and great Grandchildren and Paris Hilton's spawn and yes yours will be required to study Chinese language in order to compete for jobs. The French and the Canadians are gonna laugh their asses off at our eventual humiliating national comeuppance....and you know what?? I can't blame 'em.

1/15/06

I'm very glad that I have a strong ability to play back long segments of my childhood memories through my head like little goddamned mini-movies. One of the tiny compensations that comes with getting older is being able to snort at piss poor movie and TV representations of some past time and know how lame they are.

I was born in 1957. My memories of the late 50's are sparse and are limited to the inside of the small house I was brought up in. I remember a helluva lot of what went on in the 1960's though. Last night (er, morning..) I dreamt about a guy that I saw outside of a bakery "thrift" store in about 1963. It's all very clear to me. I was waiting in my parents Ford fairlane while they shopped for crappy thin sliced bread and very good "bear claws" we often wound up eating on Sunday mornings before our church ritual.

The store was located in Springfield Oregon on a main drag just beyond a bridge that spans the Willamette river. The guy pulled into the parking lot driving a pukey salmon colored old pickup truck. The weather was very warm by Oregon standards both past and present. He climbed out of his vehicle and caught my interest due to the fact that he was decked out in complete Western wear.

I tell you what....many of you would KILL for that fucking pickup truck. The sporty wheels were the same color as the trucks paint job. The dude was rail thin and wore a plaid shirt, jeans, boots and a cowboy hat. Most importantly to me, he wore an expression that you'd likely see if you rammed the business end of a tire tool several inches up Ernest Tubb's fanny..yeah, his face was the contorted mask of a simpleton. AHHH! But he was deceptively wise as it turns out!

I liked his clothing...I thought it looked a lot more fun to wear than the sort of shlocky square-wear my old man and my uncles walked the earth in.

That FACE though...what was going on in that mans mind??

Looking back my best guess is that he was hungover...and had been sent by his woman to pick up a list of bread items for the coming week.

That would explain his screwed up mess of a mugg. I see a lot of guys in their 20's and 30's in this post Johnny Cash era trying to capture that look...and I applaud them.......but they'll never be THAT guy.

It was a good time period fashion wise..no doubt. Cars made from the early 50's to the mid 60's were fucking outstanding. I had the pleasure of riding in a goddamned lot of cool vehicles in the 1960's..and I remember quite a few of them vividly. I applaud any of you who have the balls to patiently restore vehicles from those days.

Music was of course much, much better. Forget about the way that "oldies" radio stations beat to death the same tiny list of "hits" that some computer has determined should be pushed in this century. For every worn out feel good Motown hit there are scores of aggressive and uninhibited lesser known songs that SCREAM and make you want to guzzle cheap beer and wiggle your ass. Raw groups from that era like the SONICS make all that over-played Liverpudlian dreck sound wimpy and soft. Link Wray had a very good decade in the 1960's...his recordings are out there waiting for you to dig up...once you've had enough of all that pretentious hippie b.s. that VH1 classics pounds to death late at night on cable TV. Country music of course was stunning in the 1960's....and even "pop" music had it's damned good moments. There was Dean Martin, Tom Jones, a lot of novelty songs ( a forgotten concept today) and quite a few stately tunes from films that had an eerie MELANCHOLY feel; look up the word MELANCHOLY in a frigging dictionary....it's a FORGOTTEN subtle aesthetic quality no longer even attempted in "popular" music aside from quality retro-surf and instrumental bands and a few assorted maniacs.

The Ernest Tubb looking guy had it pretty good back then. If he got into a quarrel at a local tavern he could settle it man to man with another consenting adult male and there would never be a suggestion of a lawsuit. Rules against drinking a beer or two or ten in a park hadn't been dreamt up yet....so he could enjoy the great outdoors and fish and hunt or just drink and get looped. Best of all, he had a strong brace of female relatives (like everybody back then white, black, brown or otherwise) who baked a lot of PIE.

I'm not leading into a Duane Johnson "the Rock" pie joke here. I mean real doughy, fruity, regal PIE.

There is a parallel between the declining popularity of PIE in this country and the mass increase in popularity of all the things I hate about this millenium lorded over by frat-boy would be hunk twerps with their calculated two-day stubble and intentionally disheveled banker hairdo's.

Of course, it's not 1963. I don't wallow in the past...I love lots of newer electronic toys and computers and lots of current mostly obscure music. I haven't dropped anchor at any point in my life...yet.

I would like to think..selfishly...that the old Ernest Tubb guy is still driving that same old truck into Springfield or Eugene Oregon (Ughhh...a worthless hippie haven for many year) on Saturdays for bread or booze or porn or something. If you know a guy like him..I suggest you value him and worship at his feet rather than at the alter of some psuedo-retro film making twat.

1/09/06

Very little pisses me off more than cause-oriented wacko's playing god.

The latest case at hand is bow-tie wearing muslims in Oakland vandalising liquor stores in the name of the "quran".

Go check it out..I read it on Yahoo news.

Hey, I enjoyed Malcolm X's book as much as the next white devil; for the record I don't cut wacko christians any more slack than wacko muslims. If it were they who were destroying precious bottles of alcohol I'd be ranting against THEM.

Instead, it's those wack-job, phoney, looney tune "mother-ship" believing, white hating, Motherfucking, Farrakhan loving assholes that are responsible for this.

I stand with my sensible Muslim pals who are only interested in putting food in their familys mouths...whether it be by operating a corner store or working as plumbers or car salesmen or computer programmers or whatever the fuck they see fit to do.

I'll be goddamned if the huge percentage of us who have enough of an inkling of common sense in this country not to fall for that mad scientist, bogus bowtie X-horseshit are gonna stand by and let assholes without the sense to pour piss out of a fucking boot dictate morals.

The assinine theorys of Elijah Muhammed, Louis Farrakhan and the entire moronic heap of garbage that's been fabricated and then trowled out in the name of blindly hating whitey is on an intellectual par with Brigham Dung and Joseph Piss of the church of the mormonic plague; Jimmy Motherfucking crybaby Swaggert....and even that slick greasy pompodour sporting con man Benny Hinn....or Hann or Benihanna or whatever his fucking handle is.

It's time for all you goddamned readers in Oakland to STAND UP for booze; are you gonna allow these cult wacko dickheads to dictate law in your own city??

Take a stand....this is the back yard of the same artificial kwanzaa loving, bow tie sporting pork hating frauds that were responsible for the zebra killing spree a few decades back...or have you FORGOTTEN??

Hey, if somebody can't handle booze..it's sure as hell not the fault of the owner of the liquor store they bought it at. I thought Farrakhan and his ilk preached self determination and self control?? I have no quarrel with anybody preaching about a god.....whatever the hell they consider it to be...I shrug off being villified automatically as a white devil.....SO WHAT; where I draw the line is when these cultjob clowns start messing with MY faith....MY god...holy alcohol....and the industrious business people who passively and thoughtfully sell it.

Do I need to add that the vast majority of blacks and arabs I've known over the years wouldn't dream of sanctioning this sort of horseshit?? OF COURSE NOT....loving whiskey kisses to 'em all....but may the bird of happiness crap bird flu on the heads of these over zealous bully's fucking with store owners!!

1/05/06

So, for those who asked what happened at our show last weekend..here's the scoop. Our pal Jason spent a good deal of the night spewing blood about the club. No big deal in itself..he was having fun. It's FUN to bleed.

When Elvis surprise walloped me and Mark with a bottle, it wound up opening up Mark up so bad that blood was squirting from a vein between his eyes. It pooled very fast. I was bleeding so bad myself that my bass was soaked in about 30 seconds..but Mark wound up in a trough of blood. It was sick. Elvis felt bad about it...but Jeff Clayton assures me that if he had been there he would've done the same thing. Trouble follws us.

Marla glanced across the big stage and calmly thought to herself...hmmmmm...I didn't know the stage was painted red. Well, it was painted by his skull juice. This wasn't a crimson mask, it was deep and slick everywhere.

Deep enough that I remember seeing Texas Stud and Bobo posing for a photo with the stud laying down in it. As club workers strapped on Michael Jackson masks and biohazard spill suits to sop it up more people snapped photos.

We'll go to hell for sure now.

The night before we had a very drunken party at our house. General Lee Drunk wound up 1) falling off a high tree limb branching out over our treehouse 2) falling off our porch back first with a guitar and 3) pitching over while eating a plate of brisket...he was helped up still shoveling brisket into his maw. When he and his bandmates returned to their motel they got even wilder and wound up taking more spills and spray painting pubic hair and other such revelry.

After our show Jason wound up being counseled by some of our friendly local police. They were considerate enough to turn him over into the sober hands of the Hammercocks boys at the motel...who eventually wound up causing a scene at Whattaburger!

While Mark getting patched up elsewhere we had another small gathering...enough shots were consumed that a veteran drinker from California wound up talking in sentences like: "heemie mamma gaga wa wa..."

The next day the Before I Hang guys wound up being pulled over by State troopers in Mississippi 5 miles from home. When the cops learned they had been traveling on the infamous primary drug route of the Southern U.S. (I-10) they handcuffed a couple of 'em and searched their van with a drug sniffing dog. They were shocked when they found the bloody p.a. monitor we wound up paying for. Finally, they managed to explain to the confused John Law's the fact that a band they played with used wrestling schtick. They were set free.

So, no one was arrested (that I know of) although several came close.

Instead of revamping our horrible, shocking, unbookable band of louts into a typical band like everybody elses....I had the idea we could start up a non-denomenational troop of minstrels that could preach the word of god at South and central Texas Sunday school meetings. I envisioned Bobo learning to twist balloons into animal shapes..Mark learning a few Sunday school appropriate magic tricks..and Marla, Texas Stud and I softly crooning tunes like "kumbiya" whilst taking turns repenting of our evil pasts for the kids. Hey I figured..we won't offend ANYBODY that way, will we??

Then I realized that YES we would offend all the Muslims, Jews, atheists and agnostics in town (a small number for sure...but HEY..) and denominations that don't tolerate magic and balloons and freaky looking "saved" former losers talking to their kids. We don't have enough minorities or womyn in the band to please others.

Maybe we should take the D.J. route....how could people be offended by one of us playing taped music while the others spin and scratch records and assume menacing looking poses....

Well, no....that's too "black" for San Marcos....and the country fans would hate it.

We could sit in the park in the town square and play classic rock and folk tunes on accoustic guitars...but, no...there's city ordinances against that.

HHmmmmm...how to not offend in San Marcos....this is gonna take some thought. Back to the drawing board.

1/02/05

Hey, I just had a great idea for our 25 year old band...after fighting against the current and shocking and upsetting people...what if we just took a few steps to ensure that shows never got out of hand again.

Maybe it's time for Marla and I to "act our age". We could start by acting friendly towards all the other bands right here in our own town and in places like Austin. If we offer to open shows for them for maybe $25-$50 or so and maybe a chance to go to their after show party's we'd likely wind up with a lot of them liking us. We could start taking up all the offers from people in other cities who want us to play their towns in exchange for floor sleeping space. Why hell, we could organize entire tours of the nation if we simply switched to eating peanut butter and cut out drinking beer. Also, I bet if we revamped some of those offensive and threatening songs into positive politcal songs that people WANT to hear people wouldn't be shocked and disgusted by us.

We could change some of those old songs that confuse folks saluting old retired and forgotten wrestlers into positive politcal statements.

How about changing Beauregarde's "testify" into a plea to stop the exploitation of animals?? Maybe "nature boy" could be reworked into some sort of save the whales anthem? We could re-vamp and re-work "loser leave town" into an anti-Bush or Tom DeLay song; well, we might have to change the words again when somebody else is elected in 2008...but we'd be embracing a cause by doing so.....and therefore receive more invitations to send people free cd's and records in the mail...and more chances to open shows for other bands in far away cities.

Of course the other guys in the band will need makeovers.

Mark needs to start traveling about town on his old skateboard. The Texas stud will need to start behaving in a peaceful, non-threatening and non-sexist manner. Bobo will have to shrink a half foot or so and stop looking so mean...HEY..we don't want him to frighten anybody, do we?

Marla can be a valuable resource for the band by joining a few womens groups and blaming all her problems on me; I of course won't resist. I'll take every bit of advice to heart directed towards me by her new "Sisters".

I'll have to give up the booze of course...it's distilled in racist Southern states after all..but I won't look at it as a loss of a lifelong passtime...I'll try to turn my talents into positive channels. In other words, I can devote the rest of my life to making amends for all the crude, offensive thoughts I've expressed in magazines.

I can probably get one of my fellow columnists to wisen me up on all the latest causes and become topical for the FIRST TIME.

TOPICAL AT LAST, TOPICAL AT LAST!!!

If neccessary I can read some of those other guys columns and sort of..yunno..change the words around a little. Hey, it'll all be "for a good cause"...and that's what we're going to be into...ALL THE RIGHT CAUSES.

All those offensive rebel flag and Texas and international-death brewery patches will have to go. Stickers we've gotten from most of our old "offensive" band friends will have to be peeled off. Hey, some of their bands members may be racist or sexist or species-ist. It's impossible that any members of the more popular crop of modern punk rock bands could be. We'll align ourselves with them. We can study the patches on some other peoples jackest and skateboards and at little or no cost to ourselves write to some bands whose names we see often for some free stickers. If we plaster them all over our equipment and leathers and wear them about town we'll likely double requests for free shows in other cool places and tape exchanges of our music.

Oh course.....we've got to make some changes there too.

We'll listen to the cd's our new friends own and pattern ourselves after them.

We can re-write "hostile city usa" into a scathing rebuke of the warmongers in Washington D.C.

We can we-write "say you love satan" in "say you love vegan".

We can re-work "sucker punch" into a song about warmly embracing all the enlightened people.

"deeds of the damned" will be directed towards enemies of the environment.

And maybe...just maybe...after we've given ourselves a makeover we can play in front of a local San Marcos audience without offending ANYBODY.

That'll be our new goal just like all our new band friends...DON'T OFFEND ANYBODY.....and we'll be doing whats right.

Maybe, FINALLY after a quarter century we can be POPULAR!!!! That's what it's all about, right???

1/01/06

25 FUCKING YEARS.

I'm damned glad it's 2006....I don't see how it can be any worse than 2005 for one helluva lot of us.

We had our anniversary show last night; I'm happy with the overall attendance on a night where there's so much competition...and I thank especially all the people from out of State (and of course our pal from Australia) who made the trip.

Of course all the bands played just fine..and the first 99% of the show went smoothly. Of course, as you know trouble and fate has a way of following us. The show got a bit out of hand right at the end....and we had to buy some sound equipment. We didn't plan to destroy anything...things got carried away.

The club cooperated with us all night..and I thank them for that. It's pretty obvious we won't be playing there again...and I seriously doubt anywhere else in this city for anytime in the foreseeable future.

It's a shame....but honestly, we've held back quite a bit everywhere we've played here in San Marcos..but no matter what we do it's plain that even a mild version of what we do is enough to be out of line. This is just too small a damn town for wild rock and roll acts. I have to live here...and I don't need to create enemies I have to see all the time.

Even local businesses I patronize all the time such as bars and stores whom you might expect would welcome trade from out of State were totally freaked out by 25-30 year old people with out of State I.D.!

In spite of my intentions to play in my home town (and I repeat...everytime we've played here including last night we've really toned things down) this towns not ready for it. The much vaunted annual chili cookoff and oldtime Western swing convention and special olympics are about as wild affairs as you'll see here.

That's fine; I understand perfectly now. We'll just have to travel to wild burg's like S.F. and Tucson and Philly and Charlotte (I hear Oklahoma city's great) to showcase our offensive rock and roll. The groundwork has been layed over the years in those places for extreme RNR.

Of course the denizens and cheerful staff of the local punk rock club here (where we also "held back" but shocked the fuck out of them anyway) like to think of themselves as wild, crazy, uninhibited people......but then...so do people in the same age group who listen to synth-drum/pop country. Within THEIR world they are uninhibited bohemians. FINE. They don't need us...they exist in their own world...and we'll continue on happily in ours.

We live here...but we aren't a "LOCAL" band.

I've heard that years ago Jimmy Carl Black from the Mothers and Arthur ("FIRE") Brown painted houses here...but they weren't local bands either.

Wes from the mighty Bulemics lives here now...but they sure as hell aren't a "local" band. Their fans are concentrated partially in Austin but even more so all over the country in the same sick cities our fans live in. They're a "national" act shall we say..and so are we.

Want a literary reference? I feel a bit like the charachter in Sinclair Lewis's "Main street"(Carol?) who made attempts to introduce modern ways and aesthetic pleasures to clodhoppers and rubes in her newly adopted home town of Kansas in the early 1900's.

It didn't work for her...just like old "Red" Lewis had to leave Sauke center Minnesota to reach people capable of appreciating his "offensive" (to some) books. Lewis was hung in effigy in his home town. I don't need to keep pushing things here until they do the same to either me or a bloated hay stuffed likeness of me.

I'm glad some long term friends from all over the country got to see our home town and I hope they come back for more visits. It's still a great place to live. Playing in a goddamned band is only one facet of whatever the hell it is I do. We'll take it elsewhere to more understanding, less easily offended cities in the future.

Of course, we'll do whatever we do on our own terms....not because anybody's told us what to do.

I'm not going to tone things down any more than we already have.

Yes, we shocked and disgusted the poor staff and owners of that club...but we tried our best to be good. I can't blame them for thinking we're offensive freaks...because we are by local standards.

I might add though, that other lively forms of entertainment such as hardcore wrestling and nude dancing and threatening urban type rap and hip hop aren't seen here either.

We're "adult" entertainment....uninhibited; and that's a plate of food that's too spicy for this town.

Once more to the club, thanks. You fulfilled your end of things. Believe it or not, we tried to make it work. I'm not about to tone things down any further. We won't bother any of you bookers in this town again.

I'll go into more detail about the show at another time. I still have to make sure that a few people down there last night are safe, not incarcerated and patched up before I come back here and relate a longer winded version of the night.

I'm overall pleased though. 25 FUCKING YEARS....2005 is OVER. Here's a tip of the bottle to it all.

12/30/05

Uhh, I'm in relatively good spirits in spite of what I went off on in the previous entry. I'm cautious...but ready to drink until my innards won't hold no more this weekend. Hopefully our 25th anniversary show will help a few of us blow 2005 out of our stinky asses. New years eve is of course a bad night to hold an important show on...lots of competition music wise and non-music wise too and for that matter most long term pro drunks don't want to leave the house due to all of you amateurs clogging up the bars acting out your tri-annual or bi-annual perhaps drunk.

We've done all we can promoting the show...and will have fun with whomever shows up. Mark and I are picking up our Aussie pal tomorrow afternoon at the Austin airport. I know some Californians, Illinois drunken Mofo's and folks from around the South will show. The club (mighty Gordo's) has had the class to tout the show and even post the bill on their marquee. Those who don't have a damned good time will have somebody else besides me and the rest of the band to blame.

On to POKER.

Thanks to the invention and use of the tiny cameras which are able to spot a players dealt cards the World series of Poker kicked off a huge exponential (player wise) interest in the game. Poker's on about 3 channels every night around here...and probably everywhere.

Like quite a few other serious competitive chess players I've thought about how I might do at the poker table...considering the serious security and organization that's at work at organized casino tournaments. I've never had an interest in playing in local yocal basement games where you have to pack heat to make it out alive as a winner. When I was a teenager I saw some chess players get sucked into Texas hold 'em addiction and wind up broke and running from shylocks. I've never wanted to go down that fucking path of course.

The discipline of tournament chess has proven to be a great training ground for quite a few successful tourney poker players...there's no doubt of that.

I'm not a compulsive gambler whatever other vices I enjoy..like quite a few other people I've felt the urge to toy with the game for the helluva it.

I sat down last night for the first time with the PS2 WSOP game for some in home fun. I sucked at first....that's to be expected. I cut back on my alcohol intake and wound up doing better tonight.

A really eerie chain of events took place as a result.

After surviving a couple tables I wound up seeing a batch of new players pop up on the screen. Wouldn't you know it, one of the best chess masters who ever gave up the game in favor of poker appeared on my television screen a few chairs away from my jolly created visage. His name is Dennis Waterman...he hails from the same hillbilly region of Southern Oregon that I was born in. When I was an aspiring kid at chess tournaments in the early 70's he was a prominent goddamned master.

I knew he was possibly in the game..but didn't know for sure. He finished 23rd at the WSOP event that Chris Moneymaker won. He's won a lot of money at the poker table....and is somewhat of a philosopher to boot.

I've gotta say, it was fucking WEIRD to see a chessmaster I haven't seen in well over 20 years pop up on my TV screen. We both wound up in a hand soon in which we were scrapping. I had a pair of pocket 6's.....and yes....OF COURSE....that menat that I was pulling for a 3rd 6 to boost my hand.

I'm not kidding you...."666" was what I was yelping at the screen for after the flop. After the turn card I assessed the situation and decided to bail out due to my relative pile of chips compared to the other players.

It was a smart choice. I'm glad I folded....or I would've lost most of my pile.

The plot thickened. I survived by winning a few hands and eventually poker stars Men Nguyen and Scot Phan joined our PS2 table. I fought as well as I could...and believe it or not ol' Dennis (whom I hope received a nice royalty fee) was eliminated long before I was.

I wound up finishing 26th....which is nice and all....but it's hardly like I pulled the feat off in real life. If I've learned nothing else from playing and studying chess all these years I'm fully in grasp of the following principals: 1) the fact that a jillion other newbie rubes now fancy themselves poker players...most of whom don't have a clue 2) if I sat down at a REAL table with Dennis Waterman or Mr. Nguyen or Phan or any other real live poker stars...my balls would quickly be severed from my abdominal region.

If I have any special understanding for poker...it stems from my total belly down on the floor admiration for the people who've proven themselves.

For that matter, it would've been a table thumping upset if I had ever bested Dennis Waterman back in the day over the chess board. Other masters who are far stronger than he was over the board have opted to try their luck in Vegas over the last couple few years. They've got their work cut out for them if they want to play with him though. I think he's won something like 80+ tournaments.

By my way of thinking, a large percentage of skilled chess players seem too expressive to play poker. A lot of them are timid, pocket protector sporting nerds. Then again, many are expressionless, poised competitors.

I've been hard for people to figure out over the board at tournaments since my comeback due to the fact that I look like just another big dummy with a beer gut and tattoo's. "Where's your Harley?" is a question I've heard often. I've seen a few chess Mothers whose kinder I've faced give me the one-eye out of shock. That's not a big surprise....I do indeed have tattoo's of "Satan" and a moonshine jug amongst other work. I also have a tattoo of a chess piece...a knight. Some of my opponents have gaped mightily trying to figure me out.

Maybe I could baffle some poker players too?

One things for sure, my familiar "perma-scowl" rests comfortably on my face most of the time at chess tournaments. I'm quite used to opponents who've tried to psych me out over the years too. Once you've lost to 9 and 10 year old prodigy's in significant games, it's easy to maintain your angry look. You don't take much for granted.

12/26/05

Hey, I don't really need to admit the following publicly, but I will anyway.

It's been such a fucking awful year...the worst for me in at least 35 that I'm too terrified to want to do anything away from home between now and the 1st day of the new year.

Do I need to do an item by item review of all the deaths of relations, friends, friends of close friends, friends of relations, injuries both personal and otherwise, intense PAIN suffered by me and others I know, natural disasters, homes demolished by the elements, relationships busted wide open like scythes through inflated balloons, etc. etc. etc.?????

Hey, go review this frigging diary if you want the daily play by play.

What's keeping me from wanting to leave the house is the steady run of horrid fucking luck; I'm not sure why, but I've resolved that next year HAS to be better..how could it be worse??

If I endeavor to do anything or leave the house I'm afraid it's just going to lead to more goddamned misery. I'm not sure why the change of a calendar year should mean anything...but in my experience over my lifetime it has although I can't offer up a logical explanation why.

If I communicate with a friend or relative it's just going to mean something terrible has happened to them; if I drive anywhere the car will break down. Unless I move very slowly about the house I'm going to suffer another catastrophic injury.

I'm pretty much convinced of all this...but there's only a few days left in the year...if I can only survive it...if YOU are my friend and you're able to pull through there's fresh hope.

Another bad aspect of this year is the fact that I can't count on anything even very mundane working out. I wouldn't have lived to my advanced age if my whole life had been this way. I've had so many bizarre encounters with local takeout food windows I've given up on them. I always send somebody in my place. If an item needs to be returned to a retailer...HAH!! somebody else has to do it. It'll turn into an ugly scene if I do.

The world seems to be going down hill fast. Since Gov. Jesse seems to be retired I haven't been interested in any politicians...NO, NOT ONE. I don't like modern takes on "responsibilty", the mega- popular brand of smarmy supposed smartass humor is transparent, uninspired and WORTHLESS by my careful reckoning. The current batch of popular actors and musicians leave me totally cold and uninspired. I couldn't pick 95% of them out of a police line-up..and ya know what?? I don't fucking CARE.

People in their 20's tend to try harder than any previous generation to look like pubic-hairless juveniles rather than mature accomplished folk. People under 20 seem to be striving to appear even dumber and more moronic than each other.

It's cool to be a brainless bimbo or idiotic on-the-make "jackass" style boob without the sense to pour piss out of a boot as my old man used to say.

I always hated the hippie generation..guess what?? they make this current generation of 15-20 year olds seem like spineless, intentionally braindead (and PROUD OF IT) jellyfish.

The smartest people I regularly see seem to be the much lampooned "trailer trash" and rednecks.

The modern "intelligent" way of solving problems seems to be this: wait until something bad or unpredictable happens...and THEN politicize it in your own favor...and THEN advocate passing a law to 1) dumbly hope to prevent the bad thing from happening again...or 2) establish that if the bad thing happens again in the future it was because some elected official didn't happen to foresee it.

Ergo, there is no such thing as a natural disaster anymore....only disasters that SHOULD have been foreseen and prevented utilyzing the $$$$ from the wallets of "the rich" ("the rich" being anybody making over $35,000 a year).

Blind idiotic practice of world faiths has been on the upswing....

Blind idiotic practice of pop culture creations ranging from info-mercial scams to religious cults to incredibly chic and expensive and woefully un-neccessary "spa" treatments are on the upswing.

I don't WANT to get hit by an asteroid randomly...but there's never been a better year to have it happen in my adult life...UUURRRRPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

FUCK OFF....ALMOST ALL OF YOU!!!

If I hadn't brought my chess game this very cruddy year to an alltime life high level I might think there was something wrong with me; but seeing as how my game is stronger than ever, it's YOU who has the explaining to do...and YOU...and YOU.....and YOOUUUU...

12/24/05

We practice what we preach around here. It's about 3:00 a.m. or so of the 25th...and if the old fucker dressed in red happens to flop down through our chimney he'll see the remnants of a nice Xmas celebration where booze, food + presents are valued.

A fifth of Jack lies dead...well, there's one more swallow left in it. The beer which formerly could barely find room in the frig is going to be completely gone in an hour or two. Rum, Vodka, etc.

I terrified at least one of the cats (whom I no longer have cute things to write about) with a pair of new fuzzy gift slippers that look so much like bear-cats that I don't want to ever take them off. I've been wearing a Santa hat for several hours...in spite of the fact that I'vereally sweated it up. Oh WELL.....pour another drink to cool off.

Gary Glitter and Slade on VHS, ACDC on DVD and a grandiose batch of hand embroidered towels (featuring farm animals) from my Granny to marvel at.....UURRPPPPPP. Tomorrow we roast up a turkey...and go find a 7-11 that we can find beer to refill the frig with.

I had suffered through a fucking bad achey cold for 2 days until I administered the Jack Daniels treatment...now I feel like a new man here at 3:00 a.m.

I'm the only one left up though after all the crass consumption.

As the last man standing I'll sign off and plaster together a ham and provolone on rye sandwich and maybe watch a sickeningly sentimental movie or two that I wouldn't want to be caught watching..............

Don't worry...I'll drink up the rest of the booze and force a scowl onto my mugg while doing so.......I'd hate to tempt fate by appearing to be having TOO good a time.

12/22/05

OK OK!! NO MORE "CUTE CAT" STORIES HERE.....

I'm well aware of the fact that likely most regular readers of this website hate it when they come here to kill a few minutes at work or perhaps a few moments of at home boredom when I go off on a regular subject they aren't into.

I noticed on the net a blurb by a guy I've never met in his own blog..it seems he hates it when I weigh in on baseball. I can't blame him I guess. I try to ignore college and high school football whilst living here in Texas...a task that's about as popular as scabies. I loathe college bastardball even more...especially when hearing some sportscaster bellow out it's cute nonsensical nick-name "march madness" (???) for the zillionth time.

So, I can understand why that individual hates it when I bring up baseball.

Some readers FOCUS on commentary I make on pro wrestling...others hate it being part of the large number of people who've given up on WWE in the last couple years...while still more folks never liked it at all.

Lots of people never liked either of my bands..and aren't about to read any more. Then again, it's the main attraction for lots of others.

Believe it or not, a few more people than you might think have gone out of their way to comment positively on reports of my chess exploits...but of course I'd guess 80% of the people reading this don't even know how to set up the pieces...and couldn't care less.

Religion?? A favorite topic of mine; as often as I rant about organized world faiths you'd think more people would email me back to stick up for their religion...they hardly ever do though.

Politics?? Well, I loathe partisan boosterism that strays from the truth. Since I'm quite publicly a registered Libertarian now, lefties leave me alone since I'm 1) NOT a Republican and 2) It's as silly for them to start up an arguement with we longwinded Libertarians as it would be for a Scientology recruiter to troll for marks outside of a conservative evangelical style church. Republicans are often shocked by my sinful attitudes. Still, since I'm not a leftie they leave me alone for the most part.

Politics is covered very well by a variety of internet people with active interests who identify and sympathize with the human race...unlike me.

Tales of fecal exploits??? Since I altered my eating habits there's not nearly as much to write about. I find absolutely nothing wrong with writing about my bowel movements though...if you don't like it..."readers digest" or "family home journal" might be publications you want to seek out.

Drunken rambling?? I suspect it's a highlite for most readers...even non-drinkers.

And then there's CAT STORIES..heartwarming tales expoliting our cats Mr. Jinx and Dixie. I feel almost ashamed to write them...since so many LAME aspiring no-talent writers dwell on their cats when they're not writing pretentious haiku's about memories of their Grandmothers baking bread...or feel good empowerment jive.

The fact is, since I tend to write about whatever is currently on my mind and the cats are so often milling around the house in the dead of night paying me occasional leg-brushing visits (OOPS! there I go) I've written my share of cute cat "tails" (get it? a pun har har). NEVER AGAIN. Mr. Jinx violently spazzed out tonight and while seeking for purchase from the carpet managed to "accidently" (according to Elvis) claw three long and deep and bloody notches into my right foot around my big toe. It hurts like fuck...LIKE FUCK.

Maybe this is his way of giving me a year-end warning that they won't stand for any more cutesy bullshit that makes them look like puffy little lovable furballs.

OK JINXY BOY, FUCK YOU!! I'm gonna start adding more ground beef and hot peppers and refried beans to my diet so I'll have righteous and bloody violent shits to write about in 2006 once again....and you guys will be NOTHING.

Furthermore, the Whiskey Rebel "holding his cat" T-shirt deal is d.o.a. as of NOW.

If it wasn't for kind hearted Elvis I would've parked my remaining non-clawed up foot up the little bastards tiny pink cat asshole. May the bird of happiness blow liquid diareah on your catnip fellas!!

12/21/05

GO HERE to read the new Village Voice review of "RANCID VAT vs. the Rest of the world"..

http://villagevoice.com/music/0551,smith,71165,22.html

Is it tacky to post review info on your own website?? That's a definite maybe. I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it though. UUURRRPPP. Maybe we should be more assertive around here...and not so shy and humble all the time.

Anyway, the review mentions a line from a song: "why didn't Hitler win..and redeem us from original sin". In case you're wondering, it's from our 1st Lp "Stampeding Cattles" tune "renting a room in a mental hospital". The song isn't on the 2 CD extravaganza. Remember how the same ouija board that gave us the band name also gave us a list of song titles? Well, we were ordered to craft a number titled "why didn't Hitler win?". The lyrics Wilson came up with had little to do with Hitler in any direct way...they spouted out like a stream of invective from the mouth of a mental patient:

"gazing at the quilt of many colors

swirling patterns of images come to life

tableaus of human drama

collected like food stains on a filthy restaurant tablecloth"

"cold women, cold food, cold stares, cold pills, cold chills, cold steel

cold cocked, cold beer, cold storage, cold feet, cold heart

well honed machinery that clicks along at its own pace

a perfect product parade of precise purposeful pandemonium

well oiled and acheiving the excellant result for which it is intended

in complete harmony with it's universe"

"whatever happened to the happy family? Dad bringing home the bacon the little woman in the kitchen cooking up eats for her hungry man..

Mussolini made the trains run on a dime

the Luftwaffe could stop on a dime

why didn't Hitler win, and redeem us from original sin?

Looking for a room with a view on the top of the lovely mental hospital"

We wound up changing the title to the sensitive (?!?) "renting a room in a mental hospital"..and yeah..we did indeed get the chance to perform it at a REAL LIVE mental hospital in Oregon.

It wasn't until a few years later when I was reading one of the many Hitler bio's I've read over the years (hey, I was a college history major..I once wrote a paper about Adolph and Mussolini's personal relationship and it's negative effect on their war) that I learned that not only was "original sin" a natural rhymer for "Hitler win"....he coined the phrase original sin (a biblical concept implicating Adam and Eve if my memory serves me) in reference to Jews.

The bottom line is, we weren't really advocating Hitler..the song equates ol' Uncle Addie with lunacy. If we hadn't changed the title though, we would've been answering questions about the song to this day.

See, here I am 25 years later explaining it anyway.

Let the record show that over the years we've had at least a half dozen Jewish band members. Most of them were meaner than 99% of self styled nazi's. A few audience members over the years (mostly in the South) didn't like the fact that we had big-city Jews in the band,,,FUCK 'EM. We were recently asked about the possibility of us playing in Israel..shit, I'd love to. Viva Israel, baby! They're an outnumbered breed of lone wolves in their part of the globe...just like us here in the U.S.

12/20/05

Well, only a week and a half to go for this fucked up year.

I've heard more bad news of more misery coming into the life of yet another friend. This shot felt like an elbow in the gut...and left me feeling helpless and confused.

I don't know about you, but I don't like feeling helpless...OR fucking confused unless it's about something silly and without merit..like partisan politics or bullshit and baseless hype about b.s. popular movies or bands or fashion.

I have no interest in discussing this latest shot here...and no right to do so.

Suffice it to say that mutual close friends will know what and whom I'm referring to...eventually.

I've had weird nightmares a couple times this week involving the question of whether or not I'll even survive the last days of the year.

I'm glad Elvis is grown and I don't have to try to explain the parade of misfortune that's walloped so many of us this year.

Well, here's a 103 proof shot of sympathy (Fighting Cock whiskey) down the hatch..what else can I do?

If you think I've felt politically "disenfranchised" shall we say in the past, the partisan wrangling that's been taking place this year in the light of so much disaster that I've suffered personally and seen others go through has been enough to make me think that the political "scene" has been having a worse year than even the wretched WWE or the hopeless musical top 40.

If you think I've been jaded and antisocial in the past...if I survive this year and somehow worm my way back into having a good 2006 (which is of course partly dependant on how things work out for friends and relatives..) I'll be glad and open to enjoying relatively "good times" but likely more of a heel and cynic than ever.

That all being said, I'd like to turn things over for a few words from occasional commentator here at this diary: Elvis Rotten himself....my own "flesh and blood"...whose had a good year personally; why?? I don't want all of you slashing your wrists or mixing up draino cocktails out there in response to my kvetching during this lovely holiday season.

Take it away Elvis...instruct all the website readers about the potential joys of the season as I pour another nasty ass shot or two or three and brood and pout.

ELVIS:

Howdy do y'all from the great state of texas. I gotta beer to my left and tunes playin', so it's time for me to spend a minute with ya during this holiday season.

As I get older and more and more around the college folk that claim to know everything on the planet, just because they go to college, and get to know my co workers more and more, etc. I'm finding out more and more about people.

First off it's no secret that our family, (at least the 3 of us) are agnostic, but since my parents were raised in christian homes christmas was a huge deal. As a kid I grew up with Santa Claus, Rudolph and all that stuff and have had a ball for every one of my 20 soon to be 21 christmas'. Nerry a one was filled with church, Jesus, God, Wise men, Jimmy Stewart, any of the hokey christian shit. So what was our christmas filled with? Car 54 on VHS, lots of food, lots of presents and LOTS of booze. My main point being that if you're like one of my co-workers who is just a scrooge for no reason at all, remember PBF........PBF.........PBF............Presents, Booze, and Food.

I like to say that I love christmas for all of the wrong reasons. I wear my bathrobe, shorts, and Sabu T-shirt that I've had for 11 years now and only wear on thanksgiving and christmas, and drink and gorge myself, and play with my new toys(you're never too old for toys) until I pass out in my afore mentioned gay apparel.

If you like God (ick) and Jesus(ick) and church (even ickier) then do so. If you're all alone in this world. Stuff yourself silly, splurge on a gift, and drink til you pass out. When in doubt remember that 9 times out of 10 christmas is an automatic day off from your crappy job.

In closing I'd like to say that the ultimate goal for most readers of this diary is to not let all this bullshit about family, and religion and togetherness get you down. Fuck that! This is your day to do ANYTHING you want for yourself and anyone you want to be nice to.

This Christmas eve it will be the three of us, eating ham, watching Car 54, drinking like mad, opening presents and ultimately having quality time for the three of us. That's it. No big family get together filled with drama, and phony jolley, no plane trips, no christmas mass........just PBF.

Merry Christmas Y'all this Bud in my left hand is for you.

PBF

12/14/05

We got a request from our lovely label Steel Cage records for a band photo requested by the Village Voice; obviously they've got some sort of review piece in the works for our 2 CD 25 year Rancid Vat collection.

I know we're getting good steady airplay in the NYC area from our old pal Pat Duncan and WFMU. NYC MATTERS when it comes to music...even down on our puny, amateur level.

It's funny, isn't it...we can't even get our calls and emails personally returned by a few clubs in Austin. Emo's flatout gave the thumbs down to the notion of us having our 25th anniversary extraganza there (a fact I'm very GLAD of in the long run) even though the last time we played there the club was filled to capacity during our set?!?.

What the hell....if I had the time to drive 25 miles each way a few times a week to schmooze and grin and kiss ass on those bookers and namedrop things we've done over the years and people I know from huge bands we'd be welcomed with open arms. I've never operated that way though and I don't plan to start doing it now.

I've been flipping the double bird to club bookers for longer than anybody I can think of. I know how they operate...they're ALMOST as worthless and uniformly slimey as record distributors.

Most "bookers friends" bands booked over and over and over and over in tiny 3rd or 4th tier level cities like Austin and Snoreland Boregon aren't noticed in far away bona fide BIG cities like NYC and Philly and S.F. because they're nothing but imitations of actual original successful bands. You can hate us all you want....but at least we're fucking original...INNOVATORS. We've watched trendy "bookers friends" bands come and go as well as bookers themselves and soundmen and club owners etc, etc, etc, for a quarter fucking century.

I'd much rather be heard and enjoyed sincerely by a hardcore batch of a dozen fans in tiny obscure burgs and a few dozen fans in lareger REAL cities spread out all over the U.S. and Europe and Australia and Asia than be kissing butt to earn popularity in ONE city.

We're a CULT band baby...an ACQUIRED TASTE. Just like fine Scotch and bubblegum Mad Dog 20-20.

It's a sure thing that we're gonna make a couple swings around select parts of the U.S. in 2006 to play for all the lovable drunks and misanthropes who enjoy what we do. We have ideas...but no set plan. It'll all focus on hitting places where we're welcome and appreciated without having to dick around playing the music scene totem pole game with clueless fucks. Is that clear?? We don't give a flying fuck about expending the effort to convert scene king-pin bookers into appreciating us. Either they do or they don't....and if they don't we won't be expending any effort on them.

Of course plenty of bands choose the life of being whores for gigs; I overheard a conversation at an Austin record store a couple days ago. A guy from a local band was stressing to another fellow that "we want to play as often as possible when the CD comes out".

That sounds to this veteran musician from a band that's lasted 25 years as the old familiar battlecry of attention seeking trendy bands everywhere.

What happens to the majority of those bands is this: they play too often in the same dumpy towns and burn out whatever audience they've earned.

YYAAWWNN. How many times have I seen that happen over the years?

Every now and then one of those bands gets lucky and succeeds to an extent in a few cities or maybe even nationally!?! They then work the same venues over and over and over again beating their same 15 songs into the ground. Eventually attendance drops...and they call it a day. In the aftermath of the band usually a couple members quit music for good and maybe a couple form bands with persistant gluttons for punishment from other bands who've whored themselves out.

Eventually after 3 or 4 failed bands that slept on floors in losers houses across the USA...eating peanut butter to survive...even the most stubborn "whores for a gig" "bookers friends" bands throw in the towel and get jobs pulling slurpies at 7-11.

Meanwhile, Rancid Vat marches on.

Somebody send me a copy of that Village voice piece...I won't be running around like a chicken without it's fucking head looking for it. And, if it never comes about...SO WHAT??

12/13/05

I hoisted a shot in Elvis's direction not long ago.

He just had all 4 goddamned wisdom teeth yanked in the same session and got through the situation way the fuck better than I did when I had just 2 pulled in my mid 20's.

This is a good thing. As a Father I don't want him to have to experience all the misery's I've head my head soaked in during my lifetime.

I want "better" for him...even though that doesn't neccessarily have to mean that he winds up in some higher "social class" where people muffle their belches with fancy cloth napkins.

Anyway, he made sure he scheduled his dental surgery ahead of time so that his employer was covered due to the fact that he planned to lolligag in bed recovering for 2 full days. This was very wise. He knows his own limitations obviously.

He insisted on being put under with jolly laughing gas as a result of conversations he had with friends. It worked very well; I'm told he laughed his ass off when going under.

I always WANTED to deal with a dentist who would get me high as part of the visit...but never managed to put it together.

Being a sap, I always suffered through the punishment of old fashioned slug dentists with bad breath.

After having 2 wisdom teeth pulled, I immediately began to guzzle down booze to kill the pain (remember...I can't swallow pills...and I had a very VERY hard time taking them at all back then...although I've figured out how to swallow them in pieces now). BIG MISTAKE. I compounded my eventual misery by gobbling down tons of aspirin...

The result of the booze and the aspirin was that I bled like a stuck pig from my tooth sockets for 20 hours+ without let-up. Hey...in case you haven't heard...those are 2 of the worst substances on earth when it comes to thinning your blood out so it doesn't have a chance to clot.

So, I was unable to even sleep off my drunk with my mouth so crammed full of cotton and paper towels.

I wish I had the sense to just swallow a few high calibre pills and sleep for a couple days...but of course instead I wound up walking back and forth...PACING for hours and hours groaning...across the dirty beatup floor of our wino level firetrap apartment in downtown Portland Oregon.

It's a good thing I'm not freaked out by the sight of my own BLLOODDD.

Well, I was beside myself screaming in rage and frustration anyway. It's hard to conceive of the aftermath of oral surgery going any worse...but I'm willing to recognize that somebody out there likely went through worse....such as the dude I met who woke up face down in the gutter with his teeth half chipped off...OOUUCCH!!?

The poor bastard swore off...and wound up at 12 step meetings.

I guess that means 2 things.....1) he'll not be as likely to wind up face down in a gutter with shattered teeth again......and 2) if he has any remaining wisdom tooth stubbs yanked he won't be as likely to suffer from blood that won't clot...

You know what... I still wouldn't trade places with him...and Elvis damn sure wouldn't.....UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP...good night

12/12/05

I checked up on the internet to see if there was much of a trace of our 25 year Rancid Vat 2 CD set being released; I was fucking amazed. Lots of airplay..lots of mentions at sites even like MTV news and VH1.com....great, fine. For better or for worse it's gotten out there. Goody goody.

15-20 years ago when we got a new record back from the pressing plant we'd send some review copies out and call up the usual distributors (most of whom were crooked as hell of course) to unload some and take them around town to the few stores that would handle them.

We regularly shipped copies to a handful of loyal radio stations all over the country and in Europe. We'd always take out an add in "maximum rock and roll" because it always lead to selling a lot of copies one by one by one in spite of the fact that our music has never, ever been politically oriented unlike MRR. To be honest, if MRR raked our release over the coals in their review section, it would lead to plenty of sales to folks who read the mag...but hated their stance.

I'm thankful they were there. The long time publisher Tim wasn't such a bad sort at all to deal with over the phone or through the mail...although I'm sure some of the "offensive" bands who were deliberately refused mention in the mag for years feel differently.

I happened to see a stack of MRR's at a record store today...I think they're up to issue #246 or so. Poor Tim's long gone dead of course...and I don't know who runs the mag now and am not that interested in knowing. If we bought an add nowadays, would we even sell 5 copies based on it?? I don't know. Probably not.

I think it's really, really odd that a magazine that's ran articles on a zillion fucking bands big, puny and medium sized never did do a piece on us. I mean, we've lasted 25 years right along with them...and there's not too many bands they regularly reviewed like us for many years you can say that about.

Those of you who've had the pleasant good fortune to see Rancid Vat play live a few times...think for a minute; pick 5 or 10 bands that have used a vaguely similar schtick to ours....and check and see how many of them have been covered at some point with a suitable article over the years by MRR. I think you'll find that most of them were covered by them....even some who are very obscure compared to even us.

No doubt we would've welcomed a piece in the early years of the band...but we just had to survive and carve out a niche for ourselves without their help...except in the way that they sold us add space and reviewed our stuff sometimes favorably and sometimes not.

I can think of quite a few bands over the years (particularly the early ones) I know whose very existence seemed dependent on MRR's recognition. I'm glad in the long run looking back that we weren't dependent on them.

No, we never touted ourselves as a punk rock band in the 80's or 90's traditional sense....but like it or not (and we did NOT) we've always had to carry the extra load of a "punk rock band" stigma when dealing with club bookers who were nervous about booking rowdy punk acts.

We've had to bear all the negative stigma of being a "punk rock band" without receiving a positive boost from the most influential punk rock mag.

It just makes it seem even more miraculous that we've existed so long..we really are fucking warped and gluttons for punishment.

The fact is, we've kept at it by persistently adhering to one of the most cherished "punk rock" attitudes...yunno...DIY. Do it yer fucking self.

Of course "DIY" wasn't invented by the punk rock genre. A look into the historical roots of popular and unpopular culture including but not limited to music will reveal quite a few whacko's like us who got sucked into the wide world of self expression and never were able to shake it off their boot..like a sticky turd.

Anyway, in the good old days when things were bad...I would've pounced on that stack of MRR's to check and see if we had been reviewed...if our add had appeared...if we made some of their top 10 (or was it 15 or 20?) lists.

Nowadays, I didn't even think of looking until just now...10 hours later.

YYAAWWNN. If there's something important said about us in MRR somebody will call it to my attention. Same thing goes for other magazines.

Oh yeah..one more thing. It's amazing how a handful of online sites have attributed this monumental release to the hugely successful band Rancid. We've coexisted with Rancid on this planet for 20 years or so and I've never crossed paths with any of them. There's never been this much confusion in the past...we can chalk it all up to the wonders of the internet. I hope in the end we wind up selling some units thanks to the mix-up. Fortunately, we've got songs registered with BMI pre-dating their band...and I don't think that they'd be so petty as to accuse US of plagiarism. It's pretty safe to assume that we're like a fly buzzing around an elephants ass...with them being the elephant. I have no beef with them..they play loud fucking snotty music...if they played that pussy whine-rock emo horseshit we'd have to disband from embarrassment. though.

12/10/05

It's just a couple weeks until the big holiday...are you focusing on keeping "christ" out of christmas??

Do I need to restate my own personal philosophy on christmas?? Have I gotten the message through with columns and diary entry's from past seasons??

In case you've forgotten, I'm completely into the hedonist aspects of this holiday season. I'm very, very good at keeping christ out of christmas. I take issue with the wave of saps I read about at holiday time who try to garner attention for themselves by raising hell with christians outdoor nativity scenes or references in public schools to old humping jumping Jesus's birthday.

I respect atheists and other folks society depicts as heathens if they fight a year round battle against the believers. If they just weigh in this time of year to piss on a holiday that can be enjoyed by non-believers as a secular celebration..well, I think their time would be better spent trying to change peoples minds in an intellectual manner.

What the fuck...what if a handful of misanthropes achieved the unlikely and drove employers and the government to make the 25th a working day?? HHmm?? W don't want that...there are other ways to give the lord a black eye. DON'T FUCK WITH A NATIONAL DAY OFF.

Don't get me wrong. I don't totally feel sorry for christians whose lavish hill-top community crosses and sacred diorama's have been judged unconstitutional. They've brought it upon themselves in most cases by shoving their private faith down the throats of folks with other beliefs. Many christians are obnoxious proselytizers..it's nice to see them brought down a couple pegs.

I'm afraid that poor secular Santa is being swept out of the picture along with Jesus..and that's NOT good.

The old jolly fuck is GOOD for the economy. It's not a bad thing at all for people to exchange gifts once a year. Jesus has little to do with it by my estimation..it's Santa's "bag" if you pardon the pun.

Around our home we just love to spend a couple days out of each year lard assing it...shoveling jolly treats into our gaping maws...HO HO HO!! Buying stuff for each other. There's always booze aplenty..just like in probably 100 million American homes. It's a day to get shitfaced....a day even the crabbiest, greediest S.O.B. bosses have to give most if not all of their staff the day off.

I've known plenty of Jews over the years who partially observe christmas...I wouldn't be surprised at all if a good number of muslims and buddhists do too. NO NO NO....they don't see it as a day to celebrate Jesus and his ilk...they wallow like me in the crass commercialism of the holiday.

Kids LOVE christmas. Of course not all of them are fortunate enough to have parents who blow a lot of money on them...but those that do LOVE it. Do they get misty eyed thinking about sweet baby Jesus and his parents sleeping in a stinky stable?? OF COURSE NOT. Do they reflect on the dear savior as they spend hour after hour playing PS2 games like "Grand theft auto San Andreas..or yakking on cell phones comparing their haul with their friends??

The only people who even think about the Jesus/Christmas connection are 1) old farts 2) stick in the ass straight arrows 3) retailers (many of them Jewish and non-believers of course) looking to have a big month selling stuff to a huge chunk of American consumers who are willing to go into debt this time of year.

Let's face it; even a lot of folks who go to church on christmas eve or christmas day or even both forget about the Jesus factor the minute they leave the church parking lot.

Hey, I tell you what: If Muslim or Jewish or Wiccan holidays came with a day off for everybody I know and were as much fun to celebrate food wise..and came with absolutely no holy-hogwash strings attached...I'd give them a thumbs up too.

I have fond memories of the Christmas that I worked at Radio Shack on North Portland blvd. in Snoreland Boregon. By the time Christmas eve came around we were completely out of quality toys and gift items. All that was left was junk..and that's what we sold to the nervous last minute shoppers.

Meanwhile, the four of us who staffed that store exchanged presents...which of course nicely turned out to be bottles.

There was the frail blond haired manager Craig...who was semi-openly gay, the assistant manager Butch who was a black badass from Detroit....there was an Iranian guy (quite popular with us in spite of the hostage crisis) named Abdul and me.

We were four misfits that the company stationed at that store so they could keep an eye on us (the district office was in the back). Anyway, the D.M. being long gone home we swapped bottles and headed out to the garage/receiving room to tip into them about 3:30 pm taking turns checking on the customers.

There wasn't a christian among us..but we bonded together that day thanks to the secular holiday aspects of christmas. If the four of us could get along and laugh and be Brothers of the bottle for that day...well, why can't the rest of the world??

WHY?? Because much of the rest of the world is too intense about their bloody, stubborn religions.

IIIRRRUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP.....

Keep christ OUT of christmas...but don't waste your breath getting chickenshit with the tiny handful of wacko extreme holy Joes out there...OK??

Oh yeah....and send me a bottle damn it...or buy a few CD's and books from me for gifts.

12/06/05

Another bad day at the post office. I was sandwiched in a long line with a fucking annoying batch of ignorant rubes. I felt like stuffing my fingers in my ears, rearing my mighty head back and yelping AAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! at the top of my lungs. Oh, but that would be "RUDE" wouldn't it???

Well..maybe so...but is it any less rude to:

1) LOUDLY and repeatedly stand in a public business oriented facility and draw snot up through your nose in a honking fashion followed by an audible swallowing sound and a soft "...aahhh..."???

2) Let your obnoxius kids run wild back and forth about the building screeching and coming damned close to tripping many people??

3) Realize after your initial transaction that you need some stamps.....and in spite of the long holiday line monopolize the attention of one of 3 clerks for 12 minutes leafing through a booklet to pick the prettiest ones??

4) stand blankly with your jaw open waiting until the clerk gives you a total...and then..and ONLY THEN reach slowly for your checkbook...and then spend 4 full minutes (while snot gobblers honk, children screech and the line grows longer) filling it out delicately?? Stopping to smooth the completed check out and calmly fill out every blank space in your check register?

5) Monopolize one of the remaining clerks for 15 minutes while purchasing a stack of money orders...and then calmly inserting them into envelopes with each appropriate billing statement (which you just as slowly fill in the address )?? If I tried to stand at a postal window while completing monthly bill paying chores I'm sure the clerk would ask me to step to one of the desks designated for that purpose..wouldn't they??

6) In a situation as tense as the one above...with many prisoner-customers tempers getting short would you have the nerve to stand amongst them and loudly pop your gum every 20 seconds like clockwork??

All these things happened today...and do you know what?? I was upset..but realized it's 4 times as bad at post offices in Philly (and likely many other places) where the clerks simply walk away from their windows whenever they feel like it and have a group gossip session in spite of the long holiday lines. The postal employees here in San Marcos at least seem to give a shit....but they go out of their way in Philly to let every single postal customer in the building young or old, large or small of every racial, religious and sexual demographic know that they DON"T GIVE A FLYING HORSE CLUSTER FUCK.

It hit me for the zillionth time while I was standing there on the verge of SNAPPING...how on earth do people find time to get worked up over global warming or an abortion clinic on the edge of town or some rich bitch wearing a fur to the opera or some slimey endangered fungous?? After experiencing lines like the one today at the post office and identical ones at retail stores and "fast" (HAH!) food outlets why in hells name would I want to "SAVE THE WORLD"??

If I had my finger on ye olde instant nuke annihilation button today..and even now..I'd push it...PUSH IT HARD!!...with an orgasmic expression on my face..blowing this planet to stinking smithereens.

If any of you loud nose breathing, toe sucking, nostril mining, sensitive, humanoid saps are offended by that...well HO HO HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Here's a harpoon to shove up your Grandma's CUNT!!! UUURRRPPPPPPPP!!!!

12/04/05

You can bet your sweet, soft ass when I go out to see bands these days it'd better be something good...I mean REALLY good. I don't hang out at clubs to schmooze for booking leverage like most of you people in bands do. I don't go to clubs to make fucking "friends"...give me a BREAK. I will wipe my ass with YOUR bands poster or handbill if you come around pestering me at a show where I came to see something worth a shit. I seriously avoid clubs that book local bands I've never heard or touring jackasses aping one trend or another.

I seriously make an effort to enjoy live music performed by trustworthy acts that I enjoy. I don't sit around looking smug or bored to make an impression. If you see me looking queasy during a bands set...it's a damned good bet I'm gonna be heading for the damned parking lot before long to either drive home or temporarily escape the bullshit sounds.

We headed into Austin last night to see BLOWFLY live. He kicked the audiences ass...he sang my favorite songs without me having to even ask. He didn't just entertain us...he thrilled the dogshit out of us...inspired us...and best of all specifically inspired me to drink about a weeks worth of beers during an hour long set.

Luckily I had a chance to yak with Mr. Blowfly and Tom and the rest of the damned band. I heard that they're heading West to California and parts beyond there perhaps. Now, even if you're a rube or peckerwood...you gotta know that Blowfly performances live..especially 3,000 miles from his Florida home don't come often. I don't think I need to give the hard sell here; if he's coming to your burg....you'd better be there...or you've gotta be too dumb to be reading this.

Let's hope you get some better opening bands than we had to sit through. If there was any parking lot to sit in I would've made a bee-line to it. Unfortunately we were parked at a paylot with an attendant...a poor place to hunker down with a flask and a 40 oz.

The first act was what I'd refer to as a "Bud Wilson" band...as a reference to a former A.U. singer and long term pathological liar acquantance of ours. He had a knack for being in bands (not including ours of course) that were supposed to be funny but weren't; yunno...grinning guys running around in their boxers yelping "in-jokes" and uninspired naughty words into microphones. These guys seemed to enjoy Blowfly's set and put him over..which is a good thing for an opening band to do...but too much of their music was programmed and uninspiring according both by my reckoning and that of the 10 people or so I knew that were there. Hey guys...smutty lyrics are often best delivered without a shit eating grin on ones face.

Oh well...they weren't the worst band in Austin by any means.

Marla and Mark and Liz seemed to be anxious for their set to be over; I predicted that when the 2nd warm up act took the stage and shared their gift of music with us they just might find themselves wishing the 1st warmup had played a double set instead.

YYYEEEEEAAAHHHHH. I just LOVE saying "I TOLD YOU SO!!"

I called that one right. They were a trio playing Liverpudlian 2 minute songs that had so much significance to them personally that they had to set every song up with a few minutes of mumbled unintelligable dialogue. It was bullshit. ..and they drove the fans away...AWAY. I checked out their chintzy attempt at sporting jackets and ties and Chuck Taylors with neon shoelaces and immediately was reminded of a similar "in-joke" band trio back in Portland led by a borderline retarded Christian.

Guess what?? Even he was better in comparison.

Marla actually emailed this club to volunteer our mighty warmup services and were met by an impersonal email DOOR SLAM in the fucking face...a form email written to blow off bands who have the nerve to not be on schmoozing terms with the booker. And you may wonder no longer why we rarely play in Austin...THIS is what we're up against. A horde of very bad bands kissing ass 5 days a week for gigs like that.

Oh well. It was worth waiting through some crappy bands for the chance to see Thee mighty BLOWFLY.

Oh yeah....the radio station in San Antonio during the week fucked up bigtime and we didn't wind up playing. That's SHOW BIZ I kept saying over and over. At least we got a good band photo out of it all. That's the key children...try to turn every aborted mess your band winds up in into some sort of productive secondary reward. UUURRRRPPPPPP.

11/29/05

My last entry got several responces from a wide variety of people. I've run out of sympathy for most people I don't know in most ways..but I'm very sympathetic to even a strangers angst over dealing with relatives. I've resolved most of my own "issues" (I hate that word) but the memories are still rattling around in what's left of my brain.

I think there's two broad types of people when it comes to stressful holiday gatherings. First we have the ones who dictate the rules and traditions that will be observed. These people use a wide variety of tactics...they're sometimes direct and obnoxius and demanding yet othertimes more subtle using psychological tricks (such as posing as an unloved "victim") to get their way. The line "as long as you're under my roof..blah blah blah..." is a catchphrase from the direct school. The sneaky mindgame playing ones say things like "oh that's ok..never mind me.." as a tear or two wells up in their eye. These people frequently work together and think nothing of ganging up on a wayward family member whom they sense are behaving disrespectfully in a social, ethical, religious or other way. These are the folks that drive us to wear sweaters we hate and sneak drinks, smokes and joints in the backyard or in the car on the way to the gathering.

The next personality type is that of the suffering bastard who feels out of sync...out of place..and uncomfortable with the house rules and customs and standards they find themselves being forced to deal with in spite of the fact that they are adults with fulltime lives and customs, morals and vices of their own 363 days out of the year.

The control freaks often love the suffering bastards (and vice versa) but frequently don't LIKE THEM.

My Mother in Eugene Oregon loves me....but she damn well hasn't liked me and what I do and my values and ways and clothing and morals for a long, long time. I love the old girl too...but I'm amazed at her ability to presume that I can live my own way for 30 years and somehow be able to snap back into submission and be a little boy being told how to dress, what words to use, what not to drink, what words to use, what crude stories to avoid, etc. etc.

She doesn't LIKE me. She would run in terror from me if I wasn't her son.

When I was a kid I was constantly being reminded of the blacksheep of her family: 1) her Father the alcoholic and 2) my Uncle Lavern also an alky. I was warned that if I didn't toe the line drawn by her and my old man that I'd turn out like them.

Sometime back when I was around 30 I got curious about my old Grandpa and Uncle. I pumped her for more information every time we got together. It turns out that her pathetic sad sack Father (whom I never met) was a very prosperous businessman and church going christian up until the stock market crash in 1929. When he lost his business he was forced to take his family from Iowa to points West to look for a new life for them. Even though he obviously tried at least at first to start over and do right by his family, he failed...began getting shitfaced drunk daily and was so bad at doing THAT as an untrained drinker that he wound up passing out in bed a couple times with smokes and had to be rescued by his children. I can't blame my Mom for being psychologically shocked over seeing her Daddy turn into a drunkard and never recover (he lived into the mid 50's but never really snapped out of his funk). But hey, an awful lot of men who lost thriving businesses in the great depression never made a comeback. It was a common affliction of the times. I can understand the poor guy...especially with the FUCKED UP year 2005 has been.

My Uncle Lavern carried on the drunken, irresponsible tradition in her clan. He was the youngest of the brood...yet one of the first to die. He was a 4-f unqualified to serve in WWII....which was a stigma that drew a lot of heat to guys back then. He idiotically impregnated a sailors Wife while the poor guy was off fighting in the war. He drank, shot pool and generally lived like a "bum" according to my Mother and her judgemental Sisters. The last significant job Lavern had in life that I know about was a hitch as a bellhop at a big hotel in Eugene. Reading between the lines it's clear that he likely was a part time pimp as most bellhops were in hotels like that back in the day. THAT likely didn't endeer him to his straight arrow evangelical fire and brimstone church attending Mother and Sisters.

Eventually, the bell hop gig was gone...and Lavern and his Wife and kids were long term "welfare" recipients...which of course was a big bad social stigma.

In the 60's when I was a kid Lavern went on the binge of binges and pilled and drank his family out of the house and his life (for a while). One of my Aunts went to deliver him some food...and found him in his rental shack empty except for a TV and couch so the story goes (and of course lots of empty pill and booze bottles) unconscious and near death. He went into surgery and lost much of his organs...poor bastard. When he awoke he committed one of the most berzerker drunken stunts I've ever heard of; he was found trotting down the street clad in a buttless hospital nightgown looking for a bar!!

I've got to pause here to point out the fact that he has surviving children..and if they should ever stumble across this (maybe 1 chance in 100) I'm not trying to put him down here by revealing all this. I've made pilgrimages to Lucky's pool hall in Eugene...his alleged favorite spot...and fantasized about whether they've emptied the spittoons since Lavern hacked a wad into one. I sort of love the man although I didn't know him well....IN SPITE OF THE FACT that they all tried to turn me against him. In 2006 we'll be recording an Alcoholics Unanimous tribute to him I wrote a few years ago; it's a touching song in my opinion...seriously.

It was inevitable that Lavern was held up to me as some sort of Sunday school lesson villain throughout my childhood. He was the black sheep....in spades. A cousin took the torch from him in the mid 70's...and when that fella married a preachers Daughter it was up to me to be the Sunday school villain of the family from the late 70's up until today.

I'm actually quite the big pussy...I've never spent a night in jail (although as my old pal Pig Champion once pointed out it would likely season me a bit) or a hospital. I drink for fun...and refuse to take a drink during family verbal turmoil.

To my Mother though...I'm just the next guy in a line that started with her Daddy...continued with her Brother....and wound up here in evil Texas.

We still attended her family get togethers even for a while after Elvis our Son was born in 1984....but eventually I got sick of being glared at like some sort of demon. Elvis had an exciting childhood meeting lots of legendary "demented" musicians, homosexual friends of both sexes, heavy drug users, satanists, etc. etc. but he came out pretty well. He's responsible, a hard worker and student etc. in spite of their expectations. Isn't it fitting justice that my cousins kids raised under the family ways of the bible and strict rules against booze, tobacco, movies, playing cards, movies, dancing and smut have in many cases grown into miserable kids that don't get along with their elders??

So, I'm supposed to conform to their nonsense?? HAH!!

If I went around to their holiday fests they'd all be giving me the old one eye and waiting for me to do something vile.

Sorry folks.

I grew tired of being your black sheep. I've been very understanding for many years of the old heads now departed who you used to bad mouth. I'll throw my lot in with them thank you.

It's a blessing that we live in Texas a LONG way from those people or it might be an issue whether we attended family functions.

Anyway, in a long lifespan you're never too old to be villified for merely living your own life and doing what YOU want to do in defiance of family morals.

This being the case, you're better off broaching the subject early on and giving them plenty of time to get over whatever "boogeyman" traits they perceive in you. That's my 2 cents worth.

It doesn't mean you don't "love" your poor beleagured parents or extended family just because you don't toe their line.

I know this is a bit of rehash from the last entry...but it seems to be on people minds. I'm glad I heard over the last few days from a few pals who've gone through the initial stage of standing up for their own dignity and adulthood and I can raise this shot glass filled with Fighting Cock whiskey in their honor.

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