Archive: 11/29/2003 to 10/15/2003
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11/29/03
I almost spewed my wake up coffee from my mouth when I saw this mornings Yahoo news headline:"Woman trampled at Walmart". The blurb was highlighted in a purple hue..which meant that either Marla or Elvis had already clicked on the story, naturally. Hey..the situation in Iraq has become a boring partisan war of words; FUCK Kobe and his wandering weiner; TO HELL with Michael Jackson and his same old same old legal problems. Jessica Lynch and that free'd kidnap victim cutie pie both make me YAWN. Scott Peterson??? all together now: "B-O-R-I-N-G!!!!!!!!" On the other hand, my "inquiring mind" wants to know every single detail of a crucial, truly significant story such as a stampede at Walmart. Sometimes when I check out an exciting headline I wind up disappointed by the actual story. In this case I was pleasantly surprised. It seems that a mob of early bird black Friday "shop til you drop" types trampled over a lady who was first in line at the store's front entrance to purchase an advertised $29.95 DVD player. As if it wasn't bad enough that the store management allowed a crowd to trample the first person in line waiting to get into the store..the manager showed a complete lack of tact and common sense and displayed the inherent bottom line raw greediness of retail management by cheerfully explaining later to the press that the store was so concerned..they were going to generously set aside one of the DVD players for her to purchase at the advertised price.
As if the lady is going to come straight from the damned hospital..with a few foot prints still fresh on the back of her blouse and stretch pants and shop??? Give me a fucking break!!!
I hope she thanks Walmart for their concern after they've cooked up a frigging riot situation at the opening bell of the joyous Christmas shopping season by sueing the fucking pants off of them.
The world press obviously picked up on this story in a hurry. It seems to me that most people will think it's an isolated case of consumer insanity. Of course as a veteran retail salesman of many years I know goddamned better. If the A.P. or Reuters wants to hear the REAL sordid truth all they need to do is ask me. I can tell them all about the scores of times I personally witnessed the stinky results of customers and their out of control kids using display toilets and camp toilets rather than walk a few hundred feet to the bathroom. I can tell them about people heaving all over displays and exposing themselves and/or masturbating in front of clothing department mirrors. I can tell tales of often violent encounters between store employees and shoplifters every 20 minutes of every day in lots of upper scale stores across our fair land. Not too far from the amber waves of grain you'll find junkie motherfuckers with stolen credit cards waving deadly weapons around when they're caught. A few times every Christmas season in America some last minute customers go berzerk and kill store employees somewhere out there In the shadows of the frigging purple mountains in all their majesty.
In the span of my lifetime shopping has become an UGLY, DESPERATE activity. It's not only isolated kooks who blow their frickin' tops in stores; as a customer I've physically and mentally SNAPPED like a dry twig in retail stores several times. I've thrown stuff, called out clerks, etc. I know for a fact that several of my pals from around the country have snapped too. The "Beavis and Butthead" generation have now become clerks and even low level supervisors in store everywhere. Quite a few of them...maybe even the majority of them know it's socially acceptable to be a total fucking moron. It's "cool to be stupid" in other words. That makes the going very rough for hotheads like me.
I've written several times about the idiotic service I've experienced at fast food drive thru windows thanks to Mike Judge...it's even worse at malls. Hey..what the hell. I'm a big Beavis and Butthead fan myself. I'm not knocking the show...and I'm a Mike Judge fan. "King of the hill" explains Texas better than any Texas author has with a lifetime of books. I'm FUCKING UP TO HERE with dealing with morons trained by television that it's FUN to be a complete nostril mining fool when serving ME.
So, I do what most of my hothead friends do...I have my Wife do the damned shopping for the most part.
Just kidding. She gets pissed off too in stores. The truth is I shop very late at night at stores like Walmart that are open 24 hours per day. For most of the Christmases of Elvis's childhood I actually had a ritual in which I drank a bottle of Thunderbird in the parking lot of Toys 'r Us to prepare myself for what I was going to face. It helped quite a bit.
Consumer insanity is NOT an isolated phenomena.
Shopping is a FIGHT...a BRUTAL contest in which there are many contestants but few winners.
To paraphrase the great Ty Cobb: "shopping is not for pinks or mollycoddles".
Remember...it'll go smoother if you're good and loaded before you even walk past the salvation army bucketfuck to get into the store. Carry a bottle inside to drink in the bathroom or empty aisles. WHY NOT?? What are they gonna do if they catch you..but you have a basket full of purchases?? Maybe the security dude will ask you for a drink..or pass you HIS bottle.
11/26/03
When I retired from competitive chess at the age of 23, one particular smart mouth bastard... whom I had moped the board up with on several occasions... had the nerve to declare me when I was no longer in the scene a "has-been"...a "flash in the pan".
Very early this year I learned the motherfucker had died. Fucking boo hoo!
I saluted the news with a prompt triple shot of Rebel Yell. Maybe someday, if I ever have a reason to go back to Portland, I'll locate and defile his grave with a blast of diarrhea.
Chess players are widely considered to be nerds and geeks. In some cases, such as the "dead fuck", this is true. This is true for players competing at low amateur levels. For the most part, though, chess players who are successful on a competitive basis are anything but pocket protector wearing weaklings.
To paraphrase the great Ty Cobb, chess is not for "Pinks or Mollycoddles!"
Chess is NOT for laid back peaceniks. Chess is a battle of egos. Chess is an intellectual fight in which the combatants quite often shed several pounds during a five hour session. Virtually all chess players competing at the grand master level have personal physical trainers whose job is to build their bodies up so they can deal with the grueling rigors of competition.
As regular readers of this diary know, I made my chess tournament comeback earlier this year at the National Open in Las Vegas. Now I'm not trying to pass myself off as a grand master. I've never even been rated a plain ol' lowly "master". I maxed out for several years as a "class A" player, which is the category just beneath masters and experts. Most of my chess successes were as a fourteen to sixteen year old player. In my early twenties, just before I "retired", I topped most of my juvenile achievements by winning
both the Portland and Seattle amateur "just beneath the expert level" championships.
The greatest thrill for me, in those final days of my chess career, was sitting across the board in tournaments from numerous strong masters you can read about at chess websites that cover the history of the game. I faced Yasser Seirawan, currently ranked the sixth highest player in the U.S. I played small stakes speed chess games against Canadian grand masters Duncan Suttles and Peter Biyiasis.
Over the years, I actually managed to defeat or draw the following strong masters: William Schill, George Krauss, Mike Montchalin, and others.
My comeback goals go beyond successfully defeating amateur players. I want to face the big boys, even though they'll mostly mop up the board with me.
In order to get to the position where I can once again have brushes with chess greatness, I need to first mop up the board with the lower rated players I face.
I am proud to announce that I have just done so in the process of winning my first tournament in well over twenty years. This tournament was held at the instantchess.com website. I finished with a record of nine and one against amateur players
from around the world. I fucking destroyed the rest of the field, finishing two and a half points beyond the second place finisher.
Yeah, yeah, I was only facing amateur competition, but ya need to know how to reel in trout and bass before you're ready to lock horns with the big dogs of the sea.
As I sit here gloating, I may as well point out for the record that I displayed a fine attacking style en route to my out-classing the competition.
To hell with your petty golf games and duffer bowling leagues. Furthermore, your kids soccer exploits or pop warner football victories mean nothing stacked alongside the heap of bloody scalps I've collected so far at instantchess.com.
Well, I've got to cut this short. I've got to get back to my strict training regiment. I'm presently studying in depth Reti's opening and a book of Reshevsky's games.
Drink to ME around your Thanksgiving table instead of those stinky old inbred pilgrims
11/23/03
The radio in my truck is permanently tuned to a talk radio station in Austin. Thats how I happened to stumble upon a local hippie health oriented show that just happened to be discussing one of my favorite topics: FARTING.
According to the host there are professionals who are known as '"flatulographers" (sp?) whose life work is to study why and how we grease farts!! I kid you not. He described in detail a study in which subjects were instructed to eat certain foods and keep track of how often they break wind.
MY GOD.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry...pump my fist in the air..or drive downtown and punch the first person I see.
WHO..WHO..WHO....would sponsor this sort of research??? Underwear manufacturers?? The Pork and bean industry??
I listened further and was further informed that the latest theory in this field holds that many foods that are considered fart-inducing are wrongly accused. It's believed that other foods that aren't cliche "fart fodder" have been found after much serious research to actually cause test participants to crack farts repeatedly.
I'll go along with that; my Son Elvis farts more frequently from eating the white cheese-corn you find alongside potato chips at convenience stores. Some of my all time worst room clearing farts have been issued when I was drinking particularly raspy cheap beer on an empty stomach.
I think it's a damned shame farts are considered taboo to discuss in public in America. It's something that's definitely acknowledged within family groups..and in a few lucky offices and plants co-workers feel comfortable to keep up a steady banter of fart humor to liven up the boring workday. But in most American workplaces any mention of passing gas is as taboo as discussion of bestiality or the size of the pope's penis.
Of course as bad as our prudish fuddy-duds are I'm sure the opression is even worse in muslim nations. Imagine a mosque full of robed, sour puss, heavily bearded dudes kneeling on rugs in close quarters with their keister's pointed at each others faces. What happens to poor Abdul when he feels intestinal pressur coming on from the falafel he ate for lunch. He knows he can't just hold it in for the entire frigging 30 minute prayer; so he lets go with a silenter..asking Allah to kindly intercede to prevent assault upon the nostrils of the fellas within nostril range.
Imagine the level of sacrilege you commit by blowing farts in Allah's holy temple. In nations where hacking off thieves hands and stoning adulterous women to death is considered justice...passing gas might lead to you having your anus cut out..or being tied face first to the bunghole of a sick camel.
Perhaps behind the scenes ol' Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are tickled with joy at the scent and sounds of their own farts just like many of our most infamous American statesmen. If there are folks dedicating their lives to studying the physical aspects of farting there may as well be a branch of researchers who delve into the personal side. For instance, we've been told over the years by Hitler's biographers that due to his strange diet his flatulence was quite frequent. What I'd like to know..is whether Uncle Adolph supressed his farts or celebrated them. If he cracked one during a conference with his staff would he lift one bun..point his forefinger in the air and declare with a sly grin on his face.."GUTEN TAG!!"?? Or maybe just before it was time to let it go he'd lift himself out of his chair..hands clasped to the conference table.."HERE'S one for Herr CHURCHILL!!!" BBbbbbrraaaapp.
11/19/03
FUCK yahoo chess. FUCK the USCF "live" site. Thee Whiskey Rebel has signed up with "instantchess.com". No Yahoo spazzes...no gobbledy-gook impossible to fathom icons like on the USCF site. Just chess...and a nice little flag by your name when you play a game to show where the combatants are from. I'm much happier playing at an "international" club...since there's so many people speaking different languages they forego all the childish chit chat and hoo hah. I prefer communicating in grunts.
Years ago when I was in college (before I "retired" from chess) I used to play foreign students every day. Lots of Arabs...LOTS and LOTS of Arabs. We developed mutual respect over the damned chess board. I kinda liked some of those Arabs. Unfortunately of course, thanks to the muslim faith throwing the world into turmoil with their psychotic hatred of the jews (remember..thee Whiskey Rebel is a staunch friend of the jews) it aint likely I'm gonna play chess with any Arabs any time soon.
Then again....any Arabs out there reading this can search me out at "instantchess.com" and leave a proposal for a game for me. I'll get back to you. I played a Pakistani in the middle of the night..and a guy from India and even a Russian.
Of course I'm also a friend of the Canadian's...I feel their pain. Better yet I admire their damned beer. I admire them for being feisty and opinionated when it comes to criticizing the US..even when I disagree with them. At least they have some legitimate beefs now and then..unlike certain dickhead nations. I look forward to seeing the Canadian flag pop up next to an oppenents name when I log in at instantchess.com
Too bad about Michael Jackson...I was really looking forward to his new LP. I hope they don't pull it. Maybe I oughta buy every copy I see when its released just in case they eventually pull it?? Should I mortgage the house to buy thousands of copies?? And Brother if you thought the thrift stores were over stocked with copies of "thriller" before..you wait til about a month from now. As of this writing he hasn't turned himself in. Wouldn't it be cool if he pulled an O.J.????? If they manage to lock his ass up (which wont be for long..he can afford ANY bail they set) he oughta use his jail "phone call" to hire Johnny Cock-ring. Maybe he can use the Juice as a charachter reference??
The actual charges are "stiff" (pardon the pun) including detailed allegation descriptions of semen gobbling and circle jerks according to what I just heard on a talk show. I hope a local newspaper or radio station in your town has the nerve to publish the charges word for word...it's a real "thriller". I bet a lot of Catholic priests will be turned on by the graphic details. I sure as hell hope this doesn't distract the world from the need to "out" and prosecute THOSE holy pudwackers.
Scoutmasters....Michael Jackson...Catholic clergy...whose gonna be found out next?? Barney?? It'll undoubtedly be somebody passing themself off to the Christian sheep of America as a goody goody type or stern moralist.
11/16/03
Elvis and I got ahold of a cheap used copy of SIMS for play station 2. We rented it awhile back and were a bit disappointed that it doesn't quite stack up to our great MAC version. The graphics are a bit blurry and rough..although the wardrobe choices are better. There are a lot of choices of items SIMS can buy that aren't on the MAC version though..such as electric guitars and a superior, more satisfying BAR goddamnit.
I really wracked my brains trying to decide what sort of charachters to choose for my first scenario. I considered doing us.....AGAIN...yawn. I considered pairing Bruce Lee with Bobby Fisher and maybe John Wayne Gacey to add some zest and a criminal, ambitious mind. With a little help from Elvis I settled on a different gleesome threesome: Hank Sr., Jimmie Rodgers (who will sit around and play guitar and chase girls and drink most of the time) and their pal Leo Da Vinci...a man who not only was a multi-faceted genius..he could bend steel bars in his hands it's said; certainly a man who should have the ability to support the other two. So far so good. Leo's sold two statues and a gnome carving and a painting and its just the 2nd day.
Am I out of my frigging mind spending precious time with my SIMS?? Of course; but as I've said before I use video and computer games and chess practice to clear my mind for writing purposes. How can you better prepare yourself for writing critically about the great country albums of all time than by watching Hank and Jimmie taking shits, drink during the day and unclog toilets??
I've been sure for a long time I'd need to rent a motel room to get into the proper frame of mind and away from distractions so as to rank my 225 top albums. All it took was 2 hours of uninterupted "pyramids" solitaire on Yahoo and I was able to get my head right enough so I could bang out the last 85% of the project in a couple intense hours. No need for a motel room fortress of solitude after all.
Wrestling wrap-up for the month of November!!:
I understand Survivor series was last night. WHO CARES!!
That was Whiskey Rebel's in depth wrestling analysis for the month of November. Here's December's coverage in advance!!:
TV's gonna SUCK. HHH has ruined Monday nights for a LONG time now and there's no relief in sight now that he married into the McMahon family. Thursday nights are boring. Lay the blame on bad booking since Paul Heyman was relieved of booking duties many months ago. As for TNA?? I don't even NEED to watch it to know how bad it sucks. The wrap ups I read at wrestling websites sound awful. I sure as hell don't need to shell out money to fucking watch wwe's castoff losers and druggies.
You better plan on stockpiling up on vhs tapes and DVD's. Go check out Indy wrestling in your area. If there isn't any, sell your TV at your local pawn shop and use the funds to purchase an O.D. of your drug of choice.
11/11/03
I guess an old drunk can learn some new habits and add new zest to his drinking routine. While preparing to drive to the supershow in Vegas Marla sent me to buy a MEDIUM sized cooler; we have a big one that was too big to bring and a small one she'd be tainting with food. We needed a convenient MID-SIZE cooler for beer. I found a lovely red Coleman at Walmart that i fell in love with immediately. It worked out great for the trip. Little did I realize what I had set in motion for the long run. When we got home I continued to use it on a daily basis. When I begin drinking for the night I fill it up with 10 beers or so and a pile of ice chopped up by our new refrigerators ice maker. I carry it around the house with me wherever I go...be it to the entertainment room for some music or video game action or to the chess training table. Of course when I'm just sitting here in front of the old MAC it rests within convenient reach. It's a NEW way of life; I don't have to run back and forth to the frig..and I drink ice cold beer all of the time.
One accessory I never did figure out was those little foam beer can holders. It takes more time to corkscrew cram a damned beer inside one of those than to drink it. But my MEDIUM sized cooler is the best thing to be added to our household since my official Whiskey Rebel cat Dixie.
Speaking of ol' Dixie cat..I couldn't help but notice he took a dump on the floor NEXT to the litter box again like he used to do when he was just a retarded kitten. Man, I don't envy whom ever's gonna have to clean THAT up.
At least Dixie leaves fresh piles of shit. The TV networks gave anal birth to a couple stale piles last night going head to head attempting to capitalize on the little Lynch broad whom it turns out isn't REALLY a war hero and the little Smart cunt whose family is hoping to cash in on her abduction. Folks who couldn't stomach those two busy little opportunistic bitches had the option of tuning in to the seemingly endless cable news coverage of the dude out in Modesto Cali. who wacked his Wife and expected baby. I can't even remember his damned name.
I don't bother to learn the names of Dixie's little ass creatures either for that matter.
In other news around here it looks like there's a chess tournament coming up in San Antonio I can play in the weekend of the 22nd-23rd to warm up for the Texas open which is being held right after X-mas. I'm officially in training as of tonight. I studied a book about an international team tournament held long ago in Sweden right on the vege of WWII. I decided it was time to play a competitive game or two on the net since I've been busy finishing my country book. I signed in at Yahoo games and played a guy who I should have beaten. I was way ahead..but blundered stupidly tossing the game back in his lap. To add insult to the shitty loss he typed in a zinger "hey Whiskey Rebel..looks like you drank too much whiskey!!". Wow. I thought the matter over..and realized I hadn't drank more than a couple shots and a few beers. I just wasn't warmed up.
I left yahoo and decided I'd try to sign on to the official United States chess federation "live" website which I signed up for a while back but had trouble figuring out. Somehow I managed to get a game started with an actual tournament player with a rating close to mine. I had the black pieces. I managed to overcome the slight disadvantage of having black by playing my pet opening. I won a couple pawns..and then..I stupidly blundered a knight back to the dude; I felt like throwing in the towel..but I realized he was just as capable of throwing away a won game as I had been earlier. Besides...I had a bit of an attack going. The pressure built....he went on the offensive dangerously neglecting my threats. All of a sudden he made a pathetic defensive move...which I answered by plopping my goddamned queen in his face with a forced mate in two. HAH HAHA. Maybe the dude had quaffed down a bit too much whiskey..
11/08/03
Over the last few days I've had a hell of a goddamned time getting drunk; am I losing it?? can I no longer get shitfaced??? Last night marla tackled a fifth of gin..Elvis ripped into a jug of Bacardi mixed with cranberry juice..and Mark and I plowed through a bunch of shots and beers; but when the dust settled and the others were all sleeping it off I was tossing and turning on my death rack (UPDATE: Marla's mysterious Japanese boyfriend whom she is in league with in a plot to kill me is named "Hiro") unable to sleep...STONE COLD SOBER...the bottle had let me down.
Things have gone that way for a few days now in a row. Perhaps I've neglected the bottle some how or unwittingly been in violation of the "10 commandments of drinking". If that's been the case, I want to publicly beseech the bottle..my master..for forgiveness.
(read along aloud for dramatic effect if you wish:)
"Oh bottle...I fear I have somehow forsaken thee and thy inebriating glow. In spite of my transgressions whatever they may be..I beg of thee to enlighten me on my alcoholic life journey tonight. Be a wobbly wind beneath my feet...tickle my brain once again and allow me to walk a mile in Satan's own moccasins...TONIGHT.
Yea verily, though I walk through the valley of the boring shadow of sobriety..give me strength to pull through this slump..and tap the ol' Admiral once again tonight. Yes...TONIGHT."
I feel better now. I'm gonna switch off this computer..which has been nothing but a distraction...causing me to spend hours the last couple days writing columns and listing Ebay items. Yeah..I'm gonna push the button and put this baby to sleep; in a few hours I hope to be equally insensate and inanimate. Yea verily....
11/04/03
An update on my Wife's attempts to wage death by slow torture upon me utilizing a hippie-approved psuedo-Japanese "futon" that she claims is the most comfortable pallet she's ever slept on.
To bring newer readers of this diary up to date, I'm semi convinced that she's trying to finish me off so that she can start a new life with a Japanese musician she met in the mid 80's when we lived in Seattle.
To hell with the "Ronald and Nancy" story..ours is much more exciting. Whereas I'll admit I'm purely speculating on a borderline lunatic level about the "other man", it's clear the futon torture rack I've suffered on nightly for the last several years is meant to finish me off. Besides the nightly backpain I've suffered from for lo these many hundreds (yea verily thousands) of nights caused by this contraption I've suffered foot injuries from stubbing my hoof on the rock solid redwood frame a couple times and managed to twist and pull and rip at a few other foot muscles trying to merely get up and out of the damned screwy thing with a bladder full of early morning piss. It's designed to be especially low slung so that you can't simply swing your feet over the side of it and stand up like you can with a bed. If I do my knees are at ear level when I'm flat footed. This is simply too much gymanstic nonsense to expect of a middle aged obese drunk. If instead I pivot around onto my knees in order to back out of the bed I risk inflamation of knee cartiledge I injured over 20 years ago that the doctors WANTED to repair in a surgery session I declined to go through with.
Yesterday Marla had me help her tote a second futon pad that Elvis slept on for years into our bedroom to use as a second mattress of sorts. I slept on it last night with my fingers crossed. I'll admit the second mattress is an improvement overall. I can climb up and out of the damned thing easier I'll admit. Still, whereas before I've been accustomed to waking up feeling like my back has been worked over with a crowbar....thanks to the new set up it now feels like whomever worked my back over with the crowbar placed a pillow on the point of impact before smacking me repeatedly.
I'm almost ready to turn in for my second night on the modified torture rack.
As I've stated before, If this diary suddenly ends you'll know that Marla and her secret honey Watanabe or Sasaki or whatever his damned name is thought up a new and quicker way of finishing me off. I know I'm not gonna eat any home made sushi anytime soon...that's for damned sure.
I wonder what sort of sleep apparatus I have to LOOK FORWARD TO in hell???
10/28/03
I made a huge Austin thrift store run today. All the store parking lots were jammed...and of course inside the stores wasn't any better. I made a huge haul at one place that is a used book store that stocks records and CD's. I saw some big heavy box sets in an understock area. The first one was a Jim Reeves box like I recently sold on Ebay for a decent amount. The price sticker read: "$2.00
SHIT..it was 6 LP's for $2??? Damn. I pulled out the next box..a 6 LP 72 song collection..a CAREER RETROSPECTIVE of my late old man's favorite Glen Miller. The price read "$2.00". Damn. DOUBLE damn..there was a 70 song set of Miller's next to it also priced at $2.00. I pulled out a couple 60's "easy listening" type boxes with tracks like "Alley cat" by Bent Fabric and "yellow bird" by Arthur Lyman. These boxes were priced at...$1. Shit. I wound up finding a couple Plasmatics LP'S to add to a two foot stack of albums. These stores are really weird. 99.8% of their stock is automatically priced at prices that are a bit too high for my purposes. Every now and then though it seems like somebody goes crazy (probably in response to a lecture from their superviser that they should price items to "move") and stages a blow out sale with itmes they should've priced a lot higher.
The cliche over priced items as priced by novice's in 2nd hand stores are scratched up Beatle and Bob Dylan albums. They go to great pains to look up each record in a price book...so they can plant a sticker with the highest price-range value on the item; the problem is they forget to take CONDITION into account. So, the albums sit in the bins and the staff goes crazy wondering why nobody is buying vinyl. Eventually a Division manager comes along and spots the problem..and points it out to the store manager. The store manager in turn dumps on the lowly pricer...who immediately re-prices the record at a blowout price tossing it in a clearance bin...which is where scratched records belong at 2nd hand bookstores.
I visit the same stores over and over in hopes I'll get there the day the store manager balls out the pricer..but NOT so I can buy up the now bargain priced scratchy Hendrix and Kinks albums; I'm after the stuff that the upset...probably pissed off pricer prices IN THE WAKE of being balled out by a manager who never trained him or her to differentiate between a pile of obsolete beat records and a stack of mint albums I can re-sell for a huge profit.
The clerk prices everything at an over compensating blowout price point to spite the boss and the goddamned company...and I fill up a shopping cart with the results.
I'm not gloating. Well, OK...I guess I am a little bit.
I sent Elvis into one of these stores one day with a box of albums I was willing to accept $1-$2 for. ALL of the records were in at least near mint condition. He came out to the car shaking his head at the "generous" "top dollar" offer of $5 for an entire box of LP'S. Obviously they were trying to SCREW him; they probably figured he was a naive kid selling his old mans records for weed money. That's how these assholes stay in business. Yet, the very same chain passes out bumper stickers extolling the neccessity of supporting them since they're a "local" business as opposed to heathen national chain stores. Well, in case you never read a long rant I wrote for HITLIST years ago on the subject..now you know why I say "FUCK Mom and Pop!!".
10/26/03
I'm sorry to keep everybody in suspense over the "HOGAN SUCKS" T-shirt giveaway contest. The prize winner is JOEY from Northern California. Here's an edited portion of his winning rant..which I enjoy a great deal (especially the "Chumpster / christianity" angle ):
" During these troubled times when both the left and the right rally to
the war cry "It's about our children!!!!!" Im going to jump on the bandwagon.
HULK HOGAN IS BAD FOR CHILDREN. His simple, idiotic catch phrase was about
training, prayers and vitamins. He was a liar. And a hypocrite. He claims to pray
to a Christian god. Jesus was a transient sort who preached against
materialism. Yet it is a known fact that hogan demanded to be paid at several
Wrestlemanias more than ALL OTHER WRESTLERS COMBINED. That includes the poor guy who had to lose to him that night, thus one half of the main event. I don't think
Jesus lived in a 10 million dollar home or ratted out his friends when they
tried to unionize either. Then there is the vitamins. I can only assume when he
encourages YOUR child to take their vitamins, he is referring to anabolic
steroids and interveinous injections of testosterone.
And last but not least. He held down every motherfucking wrestler I was
excited to see enter the WWF in the mid to late 80's. Sorry Curt Henning, Ted
DiBiasie, Rick Rude but Chumpster is the star. Not to mention the guys that had
the balls to refuse to come to job like Bruiser Brody. He continued his
bullshit into the 90's. Rent Wreslemania 9 and watch him fuck Bret Hart without
vasiline wanting to be the star of the show. I say rent cause no true fan like
you would have a piece of shit video like that. I rememer hogan like asshole
yuppie babyboomers remember Vietnam. It was painful to watch, and I could do
nothing to stop it."
I appreciate all the Hogan oriented negative cracks and diatribes I received. My second favorite bit was a reference to the old "Hogan #1" foam fingers which turned out to be toxic. But congratulations and the T-shirt go out to Joey; I hope the shirt can somehow lead to a cure of his "post-Hogan stress syndrome".
10/21/03
It's official: Don has emailed us..and we've buried the hatchet. Isn't that great?? In retrospect I handled the situation perfectly..regardless of the fact a stranger at that snakepit message board accused me of being a bully.
If anybody from SOD central still has a beef with me..you know where to find me. If you think I'm full of shit..well, get in line. You're not the first OR the last. Your line is much shorter than those who want to buy me beers and kiss me on the jaw. You'll have to come here to MY house though with your complaint. I don't plan on visiting there again until somebody who actually knows me personally is dragging my name through the mud.
See y'all then!!
10/20/03
In spite of all the yapping and yammering and half truths and outright lies involving "me and Don" over at SOD central (Antiseen's messgae board) I have nothing more at this time to say about Don. I've stated my case in response to him making remarks at his website. If he chooses to personally attack me or Marla again I'll respond again. For all I know he's happy to be out of the band if he thought we were so uptight about rules. Then again, he could be at the Foghat discussion board directing folks to another rant at his site.
When I told Don he was out of the band I hoped he understood why. When he went to SOD central and insinuated he was sacked for vague reasons I responded with a brief message here on 10/12 declaring he must have had beens in his ears when I told him why we let him go. I wasn't mad at him; I was disappointed.
My 10/15 diary entry is indeed a rant against Don...in RESPONSE to the one I saw on his website. I was made aware of it thanks to a handy message he posted at SOD central directing folks to his "new" post-Vat website.
So, I responded with my own message at SOD central that directed people here to MY website to read my response.
Over the last few days I've received several emails of support from people who know both Don and I.
I also read a lot of horse shit and lies from SOD central bystanders. No need to respond to it all. I just want to point out the high lights.
A) Idiotic post #1 accused me of being a non-drinker..and from "up North"
B) Several posts angrily told me and Don to take our quarrel elsewhere; the fact is..WE weren't posting messages there at all. Several SOD central people made comments. NOT ME...and NOT DON.
C) A blowhard who has appointed himself the master of the discussion board decided to attack me in spite of the fact that he stated he clearly has no use for Don. This fellow accused me of being a bully...and attempted to pull a fast one by accusing me of attacking Don first. I asked him to explain how my rant of 10/15 which is a response to Don's..HOW IN THE HELL it could have come first. Did I read his rant in a crystal ball before he wrote it??
I emailed the guy on Sunday night trying to clear this up away from SOD central. He didn't respond...in spite of the fact that he kept declaring that I had been wasting SOD central time with my harangues against Don. When I publicly pointed out the fact that I had emailed him..he accused me of lying. His "proof" was his claim he hadn't posted his email address so I couldn't have.
AHH HAH!!!! As anybody can plainly see at SOD central there is a red icon you can click on to directly email somebody. Part of the registration process is entering an email address. BUT NO....he couldn't admit he wanted to keep stirring the shit all the while he was accusing me of doing so.
AN OPEN STATEMENT to "bad news hughes" and the dumbass that accused me of being a non-drinker and anybody else over at SOD central.
1) There's not a goddamned thing that YOU can tell ME about anything involving my band. You can try to play armchair psychologist all you want based on things you hear second hand or things you read by someone involved...BUT unless you know me..you really don't know what the hell you're talking about.
2) I'll post whatever I feel like saying at SOD central..in spite of what "bad news hughes" or anybody else has to say. When a member of Antiseen tells me to back off..I will.
3) I try to steer clear of message boards..I only go there when I'm attacked. If somebody thinks I'm chickenshit for responding in kind to an ex-bandmember..well that's your tough shit. Message boards are haven's for lonely losers without lives. Boldfaced lies are commonplace at message boards. I'm surprised Mr. "hughes" didn't accuse me of ass-raping Don.
4) I'm re-inviting "hughes" and anybody else to email me directly like a man if you've got a bone to pick with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.....I know what some people are thinking reading this..that maybe I'm spending too much time dealing with message board twirps. I've already won the war of words. Anybody that knows both Don and I knows that in spite of the fact that I've now been accused of being a bully by a fellow I've never met...I haven't used any of the real dirt I could..and I don't intend to unless I'm pushed further. Bottom line..I still like Don as a person. When and if he's done talking shit publicly....we'll be friends. He's a SWELL GUY...especially compared to the lying lonely losers over at the message board.
10/19/03
I just heard the bad news. Mike Hegstrand...a.k.a. Road Warrior Hawk has passed away at the age of 46. He and his partner Animal have been my favorite tagteam since the mid-80's. They weren't just ordinary wrestlers. They were something totally new in wrestling as opposed to a buncha guys who looked like Verne Gagne or Bob Armstrong. They looked so powerful you just knew that outside of the ring they were probably capable of squashing most mere wrestlers like bugs. Also, they had a definite "outsider" personna and costumes and hair-do's that appealed to me and my maniacal punk rock oriented friends as opposed to the majority of wrestlers who looked like squares.
I was lucky enough to see them wrestle in person several times. I'll never forget how exciting it was to hear their entrance music "Iron man" and see them plowing through the arena to the ring like gods.
It's gonna suck doubly dealing with the death of a huge personal hero while knowing that my son Elvis (whom I have to announce the bad news to) is gonna be taking it probably several times over as hard. He knew about and loved the Road Warriors before he could frigging walk. Tears are likely gonna be flowing around here tonight unabashedly..and cans will be emptying at a blitzkrieg rate. This death is a bad one for me...a really bad one. I feel really bad for Hawk's family...and of course his in ring family Brother Animal. He seemed indestructable. What could bring down a mighty man like him??
Enough.............R.I.P. Hawk. I admire lots of wrestlers..but I loved you in my own weird way.
10/15/03
Well I see our former guitar player is ranting against Marla and I at his website. I guess it's time to reveal more ugly truths and stop being concerned about his feelings. The odd thing is..I'm the ONE band member who has defended him over the last year++ from the other band members. He'd like to believe evidently that Marla and I are evil uptight people and he was probably OK with the rest of the band. HAH!!
He either has NO conception of the truth here..how he was perceived by bandmembers and others..so I guess since my name is being dragged through the mud I may as well 'fess up more chunks of "the truth" which I was holding back on OUT OF RESPECT TO HIS FEELINGS.
First off..let's tackle his accusations of Marla and I being uptight...the answer is OF COURSE we were high strung around HIM. OF COURSE we were uptight all the time around him. Why?? He was a brand new inexperienced guy with absolute no clue how to be in a band. Don's memory is incredibly selective. I TOLD HIM whilst explaining the many rules he'd be subject to playing in the band that he'd find that the rules in OTHER bands he admires such as Antiseen to be way the hell tougher. If he had ever been accepted into another band he would know this.
One of the basic rules (which he seems to have forgotton) we had to keep telling him over and over was NOT to represent the band in any way in print or in parlours of gossip like SOD CENTRAL. That seems practicle..how could a brand new guy speak for a band that's been around 23 years?? I told him right from the start he wasn't going to be writing songs for the band until he understood the music..I told him to check back in a year. He repeatedly kept trying to leave his mark upon our set list by recommending cover songs in the most irritating manner. He'd ask me if we could cover some song (usually a folk ballad with way too many lyrics for our kind of band) and when I'd say no..he'd withdraw and ask me the SAME FUCKING QUESTION either later that week and in some cases later that night. THAT was one of the most annoying things about playing with him in a band; he'd ask a question..and if he didn't receive the answer he liked he'd simply ask again a while later. Sometimes I'd tell him "no" about a song..and he'd approach Marla with the same idea.
He pissed me off good at the supershow by fishing for a compliment about his new C.O.S. tattoo not once, not twice but THREE FUCKING TIMES within in the first fucking hour I was in Las Vegas (I answered him the first time incidentally).
Another "rule" we have in our band which was explained to Don up front in spite of his present confusion is one we share with A LOT OF OTHER bands; we don't go around playing rough mixes of our studio sessions in progress for everybody in sight. This is a STANDARD RULE for a lot of bands..which he might know if any other band had ever allowed him to join. BUT NO...he makes it out in his little rant as if it was just another quirk or me and Marla.
Marla and I bear the entire brunt of attention in his public comments about why he was tossed out of the band. I presume he'd like to think that we're a couple old tyrants and the other guys really loved him. WHAT a clueless notion. Again, that's the thanks I get for defending him against the other band members over and over and over and over and over. THAT'S the thanks I get for telling him gently he was out of the band instead of somebody telling him in a cruel way which is normal for bands everywhere (again..which he might know if he had ever been in another band).
The truth is our drummer loathed him so much he would use his call screening device to avoid having to talk to him. He clearly thinks Don is an abrasive, big mouthed dope. He told me about how Don strutted to the doors of the club in Las Vegas expecting to be "recognized" as some sort of superstar band member. He was surprised that they didn't recognize "the big guy"...that he needed a bracelet to get in free like all the 40 or so other band members. Bobo's comment to Marla on Don's dismissal was that he had expected it from day one of our Texas rehearsals.
As for the Texas Stud...he see's Don as being just clueless. He's avoided him as much as he can out of "respect" for Marla and I having him in the band. In the middle of one of Don's compliment begging performances in Vegas he even loudly said out of exasperation "DON..QUIT EMBARRASSING US!!" If Don heard that he ignored it..probably thinking it was a joke. It wasn't.
Don has one factoid partially right..I thought it shamed the band to have him running around the room begging for compliments asking "how did I do"?? I've told him in the past that it's tacky as hell to do that..and I KNOW people thought he was a jackass for doing it. How do I know??? They told me. We got a call just this morning from Liza from Hammerlock who was still amazed anybody in our band could be so crude as to be running around the room soliciting praise. I could name 10 other folks just for starters..it's not just a matter of him asking one or two close friends.
Don..as I told you a year ago...you've got it backwards. People are supposed to come up to YOU with compliments if you're deserving.
Evidently he'd like people to think that's why he was let go. It pissed us off alright, but he had a LOOOONNNGG track record of fucking up. Once he showed up late to practice and plugged in to play with a 2 foot (yes..that's right) chord; when Marla got in his face about it he first laughed hysterically...then turned to her and called her a "battle axe".
The "battle axe" washed her hands of him that night. From that day forward he was in the band courtesy of me..the guy whom he's trying to make out to be so moronic about bass straps.
Oh yeah...that was a classic passage of his rant. IT PROVES he doesn't know a goddamned thing about what's happening on stage. In one instance he refers to I wasn't just being finicky about a bass strap; somebody had grabbed the wrong bass bag out of our closet (yes it was a Gibson). The bass within dates back to before we switched over to using lock-on strap connectors on all our guitars. We HAD NO STRAP. If I'm being a pussy about not wanting to play an entire show using a very heavy bass without a strap..well...I can't think of many other bass players that would. So, we did what you always do in a situation like that..you find another bass. Don appears to still be fishing for a compliment of sorts as if he was responsible for saving a show by relaying the offer of a bass from Throwrag. HEY!!!! "Throwrag" offered the use of the bass largely because one of their band members is an old friend of Mike from the JACKSAINTS who is my friend, Don.
As far as the supershow goes...I can't even begin to fathom how Don expected me to continue a set playing a bass without a goddamned strap. Yeah..I've continued a dozen times over the last 23 years when a guitar strap breaks..even made it part of the show..even held it behind my neck for dramatic effect. I even played a few complete sets without a strap at all deliberately when I was able to borrow a flying-V copy from a friend that my arm could easily support without a strap. But you can't do that with a bass. It's TOO FUCKING HEAVY. OR DIDN'T YOU REALIZE THAT?? DDDUUUHHHHHHH.
And what was that?? Was I being "intense" on stage perhaps when my entire strap arrangement collapsed??? Of course!!! What the hell do you expect??? Am I supposed to be "mellow" or perhaps fish for compliments from the audience at times like that????
I was thrilled to see Don trying to embarass me...the only guy in the band who defended him..as being some sort of jerk for repeatedly declaring myself a genius. Hey pal..guess what! I LOVE to declare myself a fucking genius. I do it all the time in this here diary. Are you just a tad bit jealous ??? Is there something great that YOU'VE done that I'm not aware of??? I'm guilty as charged for declaring my own genius.
The latter part of Don's rant he focuses again on all the RULES RULES RULES in our band. Again...what we have here is a beginner who is not aware that ALL bands worth a shit have plenty of rules. Yeah, garage projects that never get off the ground (which are his only frame of reference) don't..I told him that when he joined..I'm not sure why he didn't believe me. Perhaps it's because he's fooled by bands who go out of their way to not publicize the fact they have rules because it seems "uncool". I know goddamned well what sort of "RULES" are in place in other C.O.S. bands since I know all of the people involved well. I've known about the RULES in other bands over the years from having gone to the studio with bands and from having readers of my columns email me for advice on dealing with a situation in their own bands.
I've seen plenty of bands in which members were forced to maintain silence about certain members ages. I've known bands that enforced a dress code and haircut rules both either requiring you to grow it out or cut it. I've known bands in which he would've been fired the day he showed up 5 minutes late excuse or not. Since this was his first experience in a band of course this is all news to him. At one point a year or so ago I challenged him to call Jeff Clayton on the phone to ask him about RULES if he didn't believe me.
If Don indeed consciously decided at some point to simply tune out me and my nazi battle axe wife and our stringent RULES well then it shouldn't be any wonder that he's let go from the band. He should go join a newbie band in which there's a democratic rule. There are pro's and con's to joining a 23 year old band..and one of the bad points is that if you're a new member you're not going to just walk in and start dictating how things are going to be done. He was warned of all of this..I spent literally hours explaining it all to him in his own home before he was allowed to join. I remember the night we did he seemed confused about why I almost seemed to be wanting to talk him out of being in the band.
Here's how the decision to let him go came about: 3 of us..Marla, Stud and I were riding home from the supershow in a rented Buick. after hearing hours of talk about his various deeds and reports of longtime friends both back at home and at the supershow asking about why we put up with him I finally put it up to the other band members; stepping aside from the Don problem after a long time of personally defending him. 2 of the 3 people with votes were there..and it was plain the 3rd has been trying to avoid dealing with him for a long time. It was their choice that he would be axed. Just for the record, the "battle axe" admitted out loud that after all the grief he put her through she didn't hate him. She just didn't want him in the band anymore. I insisted that I be the one to tell him. When I did I summed it up to Don in a nut shell that whereas the band members like him as a "person"..we don't like him as a band member. Evidently he doesn't want to accept the truth that ALL our bandmembers were disgusted with his personal behavior..but that seems to be the case. He appears to want to blame it all on me and the "battle axe". From my perspective we gave an inexperienced guy a shot..a long shot at that..at being in the band, and it didn't work out.
If he wants to continue with a war of words he can bring it on. I have THE TRUTH (which he evidently can't face) on my side.
I think he ought to be THANKING us for giving him a shot in spite of all the negative stuff we heard about him.
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