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Archives: 04-30-02 to 04-02-02
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Sept. 27th and 28th New Orleans
4/30
Since it's come up around here lately, I'm gonna enlighten the world on the methods of song writing as it pertains to my bands. Let gets down to the basics here: I've never attempted to write "hit" songs in my life and never will. Even though I studied music theory long ago and know how to play half the instruments in an ordinary concert band all of that is irrelevent when it comes to writing songs for MY BANDS.
The first 13 years of Rancid Vat I wrote a jillion songs with our first singer Steve Wilson. He was by FAR the best lyricist we've ever had..and may be the best I've ever known. This isn't to run down anybody else; Cosmo was a much better performer..but when it comes to lyrics it's hard to top Wilson's pile of great songs. Go back and look at "Hatred is sacred" "you can't face the truth" or "it might be nice". Anyway, for that reason I only occasionally strayed from the musical side of things for many years. When we started our other band Alcoholics Unanimous in 1987 I started writing fullblown lyrics all the time.
I established a few work habits early on when it came to writing songs. An important one was to ALWAYS TAPE whatever the hell I was doing. I goddamned FORGOT a few songsI wrote entirelybefore I started faithfully following that one. I've always used a hollow body guitar to write songs on because I can't play an accoustic right and I like to work songs out at low volume. A hollow body works perfectly.
It's important to RID THE ROOM of ALL DISTRACTIONS. It's a simple rule..but one that blows to hell a whopping majority of budding song writers from what I'm told. By "distractions" I not only mean turn the fucking TV off I mean get rid of ALL PEOPLE in the room. That includes your Wife, girlfriend, children, band mates, EVERYBODY.
Write ALONE. PERIOD.
I understand that some people like to write songs in pairs. A lot of pop and country hits are produced this way. If you absolutely insist on writing with someone else (Simon Stokes himself swears by it) that's up to you. That's the only person who has any business being in the room or better yet the entire building with you.
I've heard horror stories about entire bands collaberating on songs during practices. I shake my head in wonder at that one.
Whether I embrace the word "art" or not (I don't) writing songs is an "artform". ART is not created by COMMITTEE. Bukowski himself had a phrase he used.. "purity of vision" to describe the need to get your OWN ideas down. Think about that for a few seconds. There's GOT TO BE some sort of "vision" or sense of goddamned direction in every song..or else what you wind up with is generic ripoff riffs. Generic ripoff riffs seem to do quite well commercially..but that's not MY GOAL for what I want to do. Personally I fucking swear on the name of beer that almost NOTHING I've ever been a part of creating as a "group" was much more than a confused clusterfuck of ideas. Too often it winds up with the band sitting in some basement passing a bottle around...an awkward silence hanging over the room; until it's eventually broken by somebody noodling on a 3 chord riff. That's how A LOT of bands write songs..but with 3 or 4 exceptions over 21 years that's not how RANCID VAT writes songs.
Painter's don't share the canvas..and can you imagine what a mess you'd have if 4 people tried to collaberate on a book???
I know I KNOW; we're talking about simplistic 3, 4 or 5 chord songs. Not exactly anything all that complex..rock and roll is boneheaded..SO WHAT?? It's fun to play. Still, I don't want our 3 or 4 or 5 chord songs to be cheap ripoffs. It's my job as one of the co-founders of our band to EJECT any song written for the band that is discovered to be a cheap ripoff.
The best example of this took place with an early A.U. lineup. The bass player presented a song..we learned it and played it live a couple times. One day I was sitting on a friends couch when he slapped on a Queen CD. AWK!!!!! I hit the fucking ceiling!! The heavy introduction to "Stonecold crazy" was identical to the song our bass player had just "written". Not only that..I later learned that POISON IDEA used the same lick in a song....and our bass player lived at the house they practiced at!! He probably picked up the part by osmosis laying in his bunk drunk as hell while they practiced.
I had no choice as quality control manager for Alcoholics Unanimous. The song HAD TO GO. And it did. It was I believe an honest mistake on the fellows part..but it could have been very embarassing if we recorded and released it.
I'll admit here and now that I made the same mistake; I "wrote" a song that I heard a few days later on the radio performed by the goddamned Smashing Pumpkins. OOPS!! See..it can happen to anyone. Even the flawless Whiskey Rebel. Undoubtedly I had heard it at work at Tower and it had permeated what's left of my brain. The error was luckily detected and the song dropped before I even took it to practise.
I've had "writer's block" only twice in the history of the band. Both times I could trace it to a band member. Once it was a bass player who chuckled and poked fun of every new idea I brought to practise. GUESS WHO didn't last long in the band??? The other guy was a singer for A.U. who kept changing lyrics drastically that we had already written. I soon surmised he was lazy about memorizing the RIGHT lyrics. I got depressed about the situation and couldn't write new songs; GUESS WHO was soon booted out of the band??
It's important to have somebody you can trust to show your songs to.. somebody who can tell you to your face if they're plain uninspiring SHIT. Ever notice how many successful bands often suck as solo artists (the Beatles..Kiss, etc.) ?? Yep..it's cuz they no longer have anybody to tell them when their songs suck. Some bands take it TOO FAR in my opinion though; I know of a couple great kickass bands who drop 9 out of 10 songs they write before you hear them. HOLY SHIT!! Since both bands are so damn good..how could they write so many "bad" songs??
The best songs of the 150 or so I've written?? HHmm...."Window on the world" ,"the Ballad of Brigham Young", the Darkest souls in Rock and roll", "Alcotopia", "You can't face the truth", "Baptised in blood" "sad as a turd" off the top of my head.
Once I've written a song and played it a few times with the band I feel it's damned important to consider it DONE and move on. People who revise their stuff to death whether they realize it or not are often simply stalling..afraid to commit to a song. Do your best..and fucking march foreward.
I tell you what..people don't sit on the fence as far as Rancid Vat recordings go. You either HATE IT or LOVE IT. That's the way it's MEANT TO BE. Songs from the early days of the band that irk you and seem "noisy" are MEANT to IRK YOU..yeah..I mean YOU!! In more recent years we've mellowed and have changed goals from wanting to destroy rock 'n roll to wanting to PRESERVE it..since there's nothing worth a fuck to replace it yet. After 20 years I think even our detractors have a helluva time trying to pigeonhole us as sounding like another band. That's a DELIBERATE MOVE on our part... It's not an accident.
Oh yeah..one final tip for you revivalists out there. If you want to start a rockabilly band..DON'T listen to too much retro-rockabilly. You'll wind up rewriting your favorite songs. Instead, for inspiration play old blues, gospel and country like the pioneers of rockabilly did. Same goes for you 60's-punk enthusiasts. Listen to the same stuff that the groups you admire most from the 60's listened to as opposed to listening exclusively to 60's groups or retro-acts. Same goes for bands trying to capture the feel of 70's or 80's punk rock; go back and listen to what the great bands from that period listened to as opposed to just their own recordings.
4/28 pt. II
We ran into a supreme dickhead in public today and had a jolly exchange of pleasantries as a result. "We" meaning Elvis and I; "in public" meaning a grade school playground with several baseball backstops. Our objective was to test out Elvis's variety of pitches. When we arrived we saw a fratboy casual softball game going on at one end of the park. So, we went to the other end and began warming up.
Every couple seconds I'd hear a weird "whoosh" sound near my head as if somebody was throwing rocks. I tunred around and looked at the other end of the playground. A guy had parked his S.U.V. (naturally) in the middle of a baseball diamond and was driving golf balls right at us from a couple hundred yards away. Elvis and I looked at each other in bewilderment; it was like a scene out of CADDYSHACK 3 (was there a 3rd Caddyshack movie made?). This fool was a bit different than any other we've encountered..at least in the State of Texas. WHAT AN ARROGANT PRICK! We stood there for a while looking at him..we were protected enough by a backstop that even though the balls were bouncing around us, they couldn't hit us unless we stepped away from the protective metal mesh. He kept walloping balls every few seconds at us..new, shiny balls at that.
Elvis judged that the protection of the backstop extended to the pitchers mound...so we tossed the ball around for a while. Every now and then I looked at the guy. A woman he had obviously brought along to show off to was sitting alongside. What kind of a guy brings his Woman along to watch him practice his golf swing?? I figured it just HAD to be one of the thousands of fratboys that live in San Marcos. The only argument against that was the fact that he wasn't accompanied by several buddies..which is mandatory for any fratboy unless he's taking a shit...and even then they tend to cluster together.
Elvis walked in from the mound and we had a conference about how to deal with the situation. We were ready to go home. Since the guy was obviously a cheap bastard trying to save money by turning a public area into his private driving range, we agreed that it would be appropriate to snatch a bunch of the guys balls on our way to the car.
We scooped up about 8 or 9 and chuckled as we walked off the field. Just as we got to our Caddy Elvis nudged me. I looked up and noticed the guy had made a panic scoflaw haul-ass trip across the playground in his S.U.V. which was parked rudely on the nice grass.
HOLY SHIT!!! the guy had a MUSTACHE!! He wasn't a fratboy..he was about my age or so..a little shorter. Probably an aluminum siding or used car salesman.
He approached us and said "hey! have you guys noticed any balls around here" as if he didn't see us pick them up.
I tore right into him.."YEAH!! I was about to deliver some to you..and tell ya what a goddamned DUMBASS you are for smacking golf balls at us!!!!"
He tried to debate me at first.."I was here first! I'd say you guys were dumb to walk out into the middle of the field where I'm practicing"...
I looked him right in the eye and said "HUH!!!! Elvis...give him his balls.."
El opened his mitt revealing 8 or so..I smacked the bottom of his hand so that they flew all over the place..most of them rolling into a ditch.
"What kind of a CHEAP goddamned bastard ARE YOU?? Why can't you spend five bucks and do this at a goddamned DRIVING RANGE like everybody else?? He was picking up balls by this point..looking like he wanted to just get away from there.
We didn't threaten him..hell...we both saw an SWT security car drive slowly by. It wasn't close to getting physical. I just had to tell the bastard off though.
Elvis was very amused by the situation. He was surprised the guy didn't really make any attempt to defend himself from my tirade.
I summed it up philosophically on the drive home.."Yup...that bastard WAS a cheap Motherfucker above all. He didn't want to fight or argue..he was too worried about his damned precious golf balls".
It would've been fun for us to deliver a Father-Son butt kicking. I'm looking forward to the day we finally get to. Of course for all I know he would've kicked both our asses. I'd rather take an ass kicking like a man than have Elvis see me back down from arrogant prickfaces like that guy.
Last night we re-watched a History channel show from a couple years ago titled "Bodyslam". It's a pisspoor Steve Allen psuedo-intellectual piece of crap, that ignores the Road Warriors, Bruiser Brody, the Funks, Superstar Billy Graham, Jesse Ventura, Bruno Sammartino and Bob Backlund. Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes receive less combined attention than Marc Mero ("Johnny B. Badd") The narrative never mentions ECW, Smokey mountain wrestling or wrestling promotions in Japan and Mexico. A lot of attention was devoted to the "Powerplant" wrestling school sponsered by the now defunct WCW; WHY??? It was considered a total failure as it failed to produce stars. Hulk Hogan was given plenty of time to say whatever he wanted. Now THAT is the kiss of death for any documentary!!!!
Crotchety Lou Thesz was quoted over and over berating literally every wrestler who ever became more popular than him as having no wrestling skills.
I haven't cared for the man since I read the true LOWDOWN on him in the mighty Wrestling journal "CLAWHOLD" issue #1. Go try to find a copy and you'll see what I allude to. he did steal the show by saying the single most brilliant thing of the entire 120 minutes. He declared that Hulk Hogan on a scale of one to a hundred as a wrestler was a ONE. He said furthermore that he had ONE MOVE..a LEGDROP. And that Grandma Thesz could've applied it more convincingly.
I turned to Elvis and laughed like hell; for the first time in my life I drank a shot to Lou Thesz...I physically saluted his face on the TV.
We watched a Flair VHS a kind fellow sent in for my Birthday that I FINALLY had time to watch. I got drunk and passed out in bed.
This morning I got up and plodded out to the living room..and that's when I heard the big news of the day.
"Hey Pa...Lou Thesz is DEAD! He FINALLY KICKED"!! Elvis informed me.
I'll be damned. Quite a coincidence, huh???
Well, even though I can think of a few wrestlers who are probably drinking shots celebrating his demise..I'm gonna toss one more back in his HONOR..as I believe of course deep down that all wrestlers (except for the Chumpster) deserve to be put on a special pedestal as the greatest men and women of our species.
Here's to ya' Lou. Bottoms up.
Rather than pop on a tape of his matches though, I'm gonna watch the other volume of Flair moments.
4/28
Another conversation at the grocery store today. A guy in his 20's gazed into the cart I was pushing through Walmart and asked me "you're having a BBQ..right??" What the fuck??? I had a 20 pack of Bud in the cart, a pack of 15 wings, a 6 pack of Rolling Rock, 2 and a half pounds of ground chuck, a pack of Nathan's hotdogs and a 12 pack of Pearl. NOT exactly enough for a porch full of people to get drunk and fed off of.
So, I said "NO?!?!?" sincerely confused at where he got the idea.
Was he inviting himself?? Or simply curious??? I dunno.
Marla and I went to a park by the local river so I could proofread "escape from Cookieland" and she could act like a sun worshipper. We sat in silence for about an hour and 15 minutes. Then, inexplicably a family of clods decided to paddle around in the waters 10 feet away from us for no apparent reason except to annoy us. The patriarch of the family actually looked me in the eye and said:
"don't worry...we'll only be 15 minutes" as his daughters shrieked and splashed water in our direction.
We were gone in 10. Why did they choose that particular spot?? the riverbanks were barren. It was as if they intended to piss us off.
Cocksucking Lord, I'm smashed.
Re-reading my book I realized I didn't mention a word about the style of fart's my family all specialized in cutting back in the late 60's. I learned all of this thanks to spending weeks on the road with them sleeping in tiny motel rooms. My old man specialized in huge, loud, wet farts that reverberated a great deal. My Sister Colleen cut medium sized farts that you can mimmick by sticking your tongue through your lips at about 5 O'Clock while gurgling a "PPPtttOOOOOO" sound through your sweet lips. My Mom cut deadly silencers that appalled my Dad and Sister. I farted often enough as a young boy that my fart's can't really be classified. I'd let ALL KINDS blow out of my ass freely and happily.
I'm too classy to reveal the sound of my childhood family's farts in a book. Sure, 125 folks or so per day will read this accounting of the Irwin fart scene. So what..it's the internet. It must be good..
I'm still pretty wiped. I'd like to post this and get the fuck to bed..I hope I can remember what the hell to do....
4/27
I was able to find a big pile of books at the library to work through when I'm resting up from all my other commitments. Most of them are true crime boks this time around. I found a historical work covering local boy LBJ's taped whitehouse telephone calls from 1963-1964. His politics were different from mine, but as a man he was my kind of guy. Anybody who dictates letters and holds meetings while seated on a toilet taking a shit is COOL. Here's a tidbit concerning his advice to a Senator he spoke to who was laying in bed in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer:
"what you need to do is go out and get you about three half glasses of bourbon whiskey. Then go down to the Occidental and buy a red beefsteak, and then get you a woman"...LBJ 2/3/1964
I betcha he issued that prescription in case of headcolds, influenza and piles.
People here in Texas don't seem to exactly blindly worship the memory of LBJ, but they haven't forgotten him either. He attended the University here in our little hometown and a main street is named after him. There's a building in the town square (yep we have a Mayberry-type one) with a sign on it declaring that it'll be the home eventually of an LBJ museum.
Damn, I'd volunteer my time there a few hours per week if they'd let me be a tour guide and tell people about LBJ's habit of displaying his penis (which he affectionatley named "Jumbo) to folks and about the way he drove his Lincoln Continental at high speed across his ranch without any need for paved roads. He'd take heads of state on deer hunts in which they'd never have to climb up out of his car; they'd just shoot from their seats. Maybe I'd tell them about how Lyndon as a nerd college student managed to create a secret society that stole away all the student government offices and cushy bedgeted jobs from the preppy jocks who had ruled the roost at the U for as long as anybody could remember.
The Presidents I'd most like to sit at a bar and yak with for an hour??
LBJ would be loads of fun of course. I'd also like to toast ol' Teddy Roosevelt who led an inspiring life packed with two fisted adventures after spending the first ten years of his life as a sickly twerp. U.S. Grant was one of my favorite Generals..and of course I'd love to drink a few with him; but they say he was a "problem drinker" and would be shitfaced after 2 or 3 drinks. Oh well...I've seen a few of them close hand..I'd take my chances.
Lincoln would have been great fun to get loaded with if you could get him away from his insane Wife. George Washington was a skirt chaser and cocksman as opposed to a boozehound. Calvin Coolidge wouldn't drink with me..he slept about 12 hours per day and was a sourpuss. JFK would've drank with anybody who didn't bore him. If you could let your hair down, get over his fame and treat him like you would anybody else he'd drink with you. Nixon loved to drink! I bet when it came to swapping lies he was without peer. He tended to cry in his beer though by the end of the night. Warren Harding had a rep as a wild party animal, but I don't know much about him really.
Another book I checked out is the latest Hitler biography. The basic premise of this one is..hold on to your glass..HITLER was GAY. YEEHAWW!! Oughta be a fine read!! Ain't history study fun??? It's nothing like what you were bored to death with back in school when you select the books yourselves.
Isn't it amazing that after all the times I've criticized Chump Hogan in this diary for weeks and weeks I haven't received ONE email disagreeing with me??? A lot of people have responded to me in agreement though. I bet a half dozen of them have been from people who haven't been into wrestling for years who've pointed out that it was Hogan who turned them off to wrestling a long time ago.
Well, HO HO HO. According to the Wrestling Observor Hogan-oriented Smackdown suffered its "worst week ever" last Thursday". RAW has done just fine with Flair/Austin, etc. Elvis tried to go to the XWF card held here in San Marcos last Wednesday (we were practicing) but they pulled the plug on the card due to the fact only 24 tickets were sold in advance. I'd like to get down to San Antonio to check out the indy promotion down there if I ever get everything else caught up I need to get done. We'll see....
We got the most annoying and disturbing phone sales call I can remember yesterday. When Marla picked up the phone (a rare mistake..shoulda let the machine pick it up) some dude startled babbling "I own a 4 bedroom two bath house on two acres, and I...blah blah blah"....Marla cut him off. Whomever he was had somehow learned that we put a bid on a house a couple days ago and hoped to somehow convince us to buy his instead.
I've got a lot in common opinion wise with Libertarians..but when it comes to dealing with phone sales assholes I'm in favor of dealing with them the way they'd be treated in Red China...take the fuckers out and cut their damn throats. I don't give a flying fuck about preserving their "right" to pester me on the damn telephone. Over the last couple years their use of speed dialers that hangup on your answering machine seem to have increased. That means a hangup call everytime their magic dialer chooses to whirl their fucking filthy parroted add-spew in our direction.
In the 80's I was a phone-salesman/ boiler-room manager for a while. Oddly enough, I forgot all about it when I wrote JOBJUMPER. Perhaps I felt so guilty my mind blocked the memories out?? My penance will be to someday write up a story about that job which worked out miserably. I can trace my phobia of telephones back to that point in my life.
4/25
Holy shit..this may be the longest gap between diary entries for me excluding periods that I'm on the road. We've just been so goddamned busy. The number one thing occupying our time is bidding on a specific house. We have a signed deal on a fine house...of course we can't get our hopes up yet about that because it still has to pass inspections, an appraisal, etc. Still...we have a signed deal we can't back out of and the seller can't back out of.
The house occupies a double lot along Ranch road 12 which is way the hell up on a hill across the street from the fringes of the SWT campus. The most notable thing about the house is the neighbors; it borders a fucking GRAVEYARD!!! What a dream house! Unlike graveyards in other places this one survives grafitti-free and vandalism-free without resorting to fences or unreasonable rules.
It's an odd coincidence, but I've been told a guy from the Butthole Surfers (Whom we played with way back in 1982 or 1983 or so) has a house & recording facility along RR 12. It's a small world, eh??
The house has lots of bedrooms and baths and a hot tub and a theraputic sort of bathtub in the master bath..and a lovely writing/drinking nook with a view and a huge kitchen with a bar that would seat about 6 people surrounding a stove area you could film an amateur cooking show at. The garage would probably be converted by us into an insulated practice space. There's only one neighbor (besides the dead ones) within 50-80 yards or so...I have to believe we can play as loud as fuck there.
This house is on the tip of a cul-de-sac with a small sized mansion perched on the end. The old farts that live there appear to be rich. There are antique autos in a carport and lavish furnishings everywhere. I don't see how they could here our racket from our place as long as we insulate it for sound.
I hope it all works out...but what the fuck..it might not.
Monday was the worst day of my entire goddamned life. So many things went wrong that I went to bed early well before midnight just to escape any more carnage. Our air conditioner broke down...our water heater once again broke down..the windshield wipers in my caddy WOULDN'T SHUT OFF in a display of sitcom hell come to life. The eventual bill after being without a car for days?? $418. I came down with the worst cold I've had in YEARS the same fucking day all this happened. I had a case of diareah (sp?)..I planned to cook a special meal that night and at the last minute learned the roundsteak I was going to cook had mysteriously spoiled. On top of that Chump Hogan was celebrated continuously on RAW. Everything fucking sucked all day long. It's not worth it living in a world like I experienced Monday. Good thing most days are better I guess or I would've taken my life a long time ago.
What the fuck....I can't throw in the towell before May 3rd; Hank III is playing at Gruene hall in New Braunfels 15 minutes South of here. It's the old fashioned dancehall I've written about in this damn diary. I can't wait..what a perfect setting.
I've had pleasant experiences twice now in the frozen food isle of the grocery store (H.E.B.) I like to shop at. A couple weeks ago a very tipsy old drunken gal probably about 62 years old or so approached me as I was gazing at the huge selection of .88 cent TV dinners. She cackled..."Haw haw haw!!" and grinned at me.
"This is what I like to eat..even though my Daughter gets pissed off at me when I do" she declared without a trace of shyness.
Even though I hate 99.99999% of humanity I liked her instantly.
"YOU'RE RIGHT"!! I gleefully responded. "THIS is the good stuff..to hell with the rest of the store! You tell your Daughter I said that". We waved at each other and pushed our carts off in opposite directions.
Today I was standing looking at the same frozen dinners when I heard a voice behind me greeting me happily.."hey! Looks like this is your favorite part of the store!!"
I turned and found myself standing next to a guy in stained house painter duds who looked a little bit like Rip Taylor. Just like the old broad I met at the same display a couple weeks ago he was CROCKED. I liked this guy too.
"You're damn right!! I gleefully responded. "It's the only food in this store I really understand". We grinned at each other, tossed a few frozen treats in our carts and parted company.
As a hardcore fan of many TV cooking shows I realize I might have been short changing myself a bit, but what the fuck. It's so rare that I actually enjoy talking to strangers in public.
When I moved here I realized I'd be best off meeting smalltown rube cheerfullness in a pleasant manor. I'm glad I've forced myself to fearlessly run errands and stare down the case of aggorophobia (sp?) I've been sinking into for the last 10 years or so.
It's time to go...a solid TV show...VH1's "behind the music" is running a Twisted Sister episode. I can't pass that up.
4/20
"WANTED: NEW HOBBY for middleaged man who has been a lifelong fan of pro-wrestling".
Well, I'm not quite ready to give up on it all, but last night must be considered one of the saddest in the history of pro wrestling. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about..the WWFE gave their world championship strap to wrinkled up, geriatric old Chump Hogan. It's obvious that this was done for a specific reason. I'm going to explain exactly why this has happened; and I'm going to do so in a way that is hopefully interesting to people who don't follow the sport. In a nutshell, it's a marketing ploy to try to draw back into the ranks of viewers nostalgic "non-wrestling" fans who grew up with the cartoon/superhero wrestling style of the mid to late 80's WWF. By "non-wrestling fans" I mean folks who could tell you the name of a couple moves..and that's about it. In contrast "wrestling fans" are people who with the exception of occasional periods away from the sport (such as now?) pay the freight over the long haul through their longterm boxoffice support. True "wrestling fans" know the names of many moves, many wrestlers who've worked over the period of their lifetime and often long before. The cartoon-like wrestling that Chump Hogan was the champion of in the 80's was always charachterized by clearcut "good" vs. "evil" wrestlers. Even a 5 year old could tell what was happening thanks to the fact that it was scripted in such a simplistic manner. It wasn't written that way by accident!! That was the whole point!! To soften up an exhibition with roots leading back into the last century and make it appealing to kids.
Chump Hogan style wrestling with his "hulking-up" bologna and his almost slow motion predictable moves bears little resemblance to what "pro-wrestling" has been before or since". A Hogan match is like a cornball "passion-play" for children and low IQ types.
Since the demise of the Hogan years wrestling in America has changed a great deal. To the delight of longterm fans such as myself boring old "good vs. evil" wrestling gimmicks have given way to more sophisticated charachterizations that are appealing to adults as opposed to all the little snotnosed kids who were Hogan fans in the 80's. Many of us flocked to the "ECW" promotion which popularized "hardcore" wrestling gimmicks and rules many of which had been around for a long time (it was already huge in Japan) but were only dusted off to settle a long running "fued" in local wrestling promotions.
"ECW" eventually influenced heavily..QUITE heavily the two huge promotions that dominated the industry in the 90's..WWF and WCW. Besides the fact that a huge portion of ECW's wrestlers were signed to the biggest promotions eventually the writers for the shows began to book "hardcore" matches and work adult themes into the programming. This was GREAT from the standpoint of me and many "longterm" wrestling fans..who essentially had ignored the Hogan years in favor of mature local wrestling.
Of course a few folks..including a small handful of people I'm in touch with were upset that adult themes were being used and televised. Some people honestly feel that wrestling should be "for kids".
Vince McMahon has now brought the aged, very slow Hogan back to the WWF and given him the heavyweight championship much to the delight I'm sure of "non-wrestling" fans who think that wrestling if anything should be for children. As for me?? I can't watch that shit.
Chris Benoit is a WRESTLER. Kurt Angle is a WRESTLER. Chris Jericho is a WRESTLER. Stonecold Steve Austin is a WRESTLER. William Regal is a WRESTLER. Even at his peak of popularity in the 80's Hogan had an incredibly limited offense..and used the same old fairy tale "popeye" comeback at the end of his matches over and over and over without an offensive arsenal to really back it up. He's a JOKE; they may as well bring in Mr. "T" or the "lone ranger" or how about William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy as a tagteam???
Vince Mcmahon is no slouch. I'm not questioning the fact that he's wise to try to squeeze every last buck out of his business as possible. It's been said by industry insiders I've read that as you might guess it doesn't go over well in the lockeroom when Vince elevates Hogan who is the worst wrestler in the company to the top slot. So, Vince may find that the true "Backlash" (the name of last nights pay per view) is yet to come.
How would you like it if your boss hired some washed up dude with poor skills and promoted him to the top spot and paid him more than you?? HHmm???
Other sports promote their products to appeal to non-fans.
I'm a big baseball fan. It used to irk the PiSS out of me that the Phillies would run so many commercials on TV that featured scenes of fans dancing idiotically and "raising the roof" in their seats. This was done to attract people who don't know who the players are, don't understand the strike zone or basic strategy; in other words "non-baseball" fans with as little longterm interest in the sport as "non-wrestling" fans. The Phillies were trying to sell tickets to suburban people looking for a night out with their kids as opposed to folks interested in baseball. Considering the often poor quality of their teams I almost can't blame them.
Vince is enjoying strong ratings for his shows. I don't know why he is risking alienating his bedrock fan base of folks who are diehard week after week viewers. The people he's trying to woo by pushing a nostalgic old familiar face are the people who drifted away from viewership long ago.
For that matter the money generated and the ratings drawn by Hogan era wrestling have been surpassed by revenue generated by headliners Steve Austin and the ROCK. Wrestling as an industry enjoyed its biggest years in the late 90's WITHOUT Hogan..booking "adult" oriented wrestling.
It's possible that Vince is predicting the fact that lots of longterm fans like me are going to be pissed off by Hogan's dull routine. He could be rubbing our faces in Hogan's armpit. Perhaps he's merely working towards an eventual Austin vs. Hogan fued that would hype a battle between "kiddy" popeye wrestling and the unrepentant beer swilling adult style that so many of us love.
We'll see. By the way...the Wrestling Observor on-line has reported Smackdown ratings (with Hogan & Rock) as being down a bit..and RAW (Austin,Flair) as being surprisingly up considering half the company has been taken away from Monday nights.
I can't wait for the day Chumpster goes back to making moronic, mediocre movies which I can easily avoid as opposed to his moronic, mediocre wrestling passion-play which fucks up wrestling for the time being.
I now have Thursday evenings available...maybe I'll join a bowling league or start driving to the bar in Austin Dale Watson plays at every Thursday.
Incidentally, wrestling is so big in Japan that there is a rainbow like array of 15 or so wrestling promotions specializing in various styles of wrestling. I'm not against that sort of variety of wrestling programming. Unlike many people into "kiddie" wrestling who want to censor adult oriented wrestling I think that in an ideal world we'd have both.
4/21
Shitfuck..how could I have forgotten to include "Mr. Ed" in my last entry concerning great classic TV shows. I also forgot "Combat" and "Gumby" and "McHales Navy" (worst TV-movie remake ever?? Or do the honors go to "the Mod squad" movie??).
An open letter to the greatest animal actor ever..."Mr. Ed....I beseech thee to dispatch forgiveness upon my sorry ass for neglecting to bestow proper credit upon your topnotch TV show. Even though I've read "Wilbur's" book about the show and have pledged my loyalty to parade the heads of your enemies and detractors on sticks I still feel I have somehow fucked up unintentionally. With this holy shot of Jim Beam whiskey I ask that you enter my life as of now in the role of personal saviour".
I read another "job" oriented book..."the Workingman's manifesto" which has just been published in 2002 by a guy residing in South Carolina named Iain Levison. It's very similar to "Jobjumper"..we even use some of the same words to describe specific situations. That's due to the fact that we have both realized the same truths about the work world. I've emailed his publisher and hope to send the guy a copy. His worst job was...well, uhh...I don't want to reveal it here. I think everybody should just go to Amazon.com and buy his frigging book. I'll just say this..I wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes on his worst job..and he wouldn't have lasted the 3 years I held out on mine. One major difference..he's been fired from jobs..whereas I'm too worried and paranoid about my "work record" to allow that to happen. I'm willing to bet if they give me his email address we'll become fast friends from having undergone the experience of dredging up all our old jobs publicly.
A belated salute and triple shot of Beam is in order...over the last day or two we've lost yet another great wrestler...Chief Wahoo McDaniel.
As an odd coincidence Elvis and I recently programmed him into a play station football game as part of a team we researched of pro wrestlers who actually played at the college or pro level. He turned out to be our most versatile player..a great blocker and dependable receiver.
Our good pal God Toss down in N.C. knew and I believe worked with the Chief and has told us lots of great things about him over the years. I'm on firm ground when I say that he doesn't receive the credit he is due for being way the hell ahead of time as a worker in hardcore matches before it was an every Monday-night thing. He was big and bad and always got the crowd really damned excited. He was on a par with Dusty Rhodes as a fan favorite.
He was also a topnotch linebacker for the N.Y. JETS in the late 60's/early 70's. If memory serves me correct he played on the Joe Namath lead team that whipped the Colts in the superbowl.
I'll never forget his great matches with Ric Flair. They were SUCH a great damned matchup. I could watch a 6 hour tape of matches between the two..(and if you don't believe me..TRY ME by sending me one..). I remember his fued with Piper as being damn good too.
I read that at the time of his death he was seeking a kidney transplant. I wish we could've picked somebody to rip one out of. He was only 63 years old. I'm gonna miss him damnit.
4/19
I'm tired as hell. My sleep routine is totally out of control. I don't have a clue either physically or mentally what I'm supposed to be doing when. On the happy side my Q-ray has mysteriously healed my tendonitus to the extent I've been able to scale back on my prescription medicine from four doses per day to one. The shit fucks with my mind and used to make me dizzy and queazy.
There's of course no goddamned explanation why the Q-ray bracelet works. SO WHAT. I'll probably be wearing them for the rest of my damn life. I'm proud that Ozzy's wearing one on "the Osbourne's" which I'm amazed to learn almost everybody I talk to is watching. I'm always amazed at decent new TV shows. I'm picky as hell about modern TV. I'm a huge re-run fan. I'm probably more into old TV shows MORE than music even though I rarely even discuss the fact with anyone.
I hate "Mash" and "Seinfeld" and "I love Lucy" (I used to enjoy it..but now I can't stand the overly loud voices the charachters bellow back and forth with). I refuse to watch almost anything from the 80's/early 90's such as "family ties" or "Charles in charge". I'm aware alot of people watch these shows out of boredom; I'm NEVER that bored. I'd rather sit in a chair and get quietly plastered.
I'm a huge fan of "Car 54 where are you" (my favorite sitcom of all time) "the Honeymooners" "the Dick Van Dyke" show and even sentimental dreck like "Leave it to Beaver" (we challenged our pal Jello to watch it last Summer...he had NEVER seen even 2 minutes of it...he was bored by it) "my three sons" (It's not THAT funny..it just makes me feel warm and fuzzy watching it. When I was a kid I wished I lived in a "normal" family like the Douglas's as opposed to the religious-nut hellhole I was raised in)..."the life of Riley" "Bachelor Father" the Addams family" .and "Captain Nice" are all great even though they've rarely been shown over the last few years.
I love the RIFLEMAN..the actors..the music and the somber mood of the show. "Have Gun will travel" and "Rawhide" are also both topnotch in my book. Bonanza was damn good most years it ran.."the Big valley" (which was a Bonanza rip-off) has grown on me. "Johnny Staccato" and "Michael Shayne private eye" and "Perry Mason" are all really good. So is "77 Sunset strip" "Peter Gunn" and "Honey West".
Our family love for "DRAGNET" and "Adam 12" and the shows creator Jack Webb possibly surpasses the love most people have for their relatives. we have alot of both the earlier black and white episodes and of course the easy to tape color 60's comeback of Dragnet.
Rural humor?? We are absolute fanatics around here for "the Beverly Hillbillies" "Andy Griffth show" and best of all "Green Acres" which is probably after "Car 54" my favorite sit-com of all time. "F-Troop" is right up there too. I LOVE Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C. too..even though it's a rural/military crossover actually.
I learned recently that the Adam West "BATMAN" series will be shown in marathon form beginning the 29th of the month. I have a 5 pack of tape at my elbow to snatch as many episodes as possible. "The Green Hornet" is rarely shown...but just as good (Bruce Lee was co-star!).
There are a few shows I watched as a kid that don't cut it for me anymore. "Gilligan's Island" is too stupid for even me to watch..and I can't stomach "Star Trek" (the original series). I have no compunctions about watching "the Brady bunch"..and I must point out what a precious jewel to behold is the "pop-up video" version of the show which informs we lucky viewers of Brady insider secrets.
I suggest that a channel is needed to re-run drama shows from the 50's and 60's that are rarely shown. "M-Squad" starring my favorite actor of all time Lee Marvin needs to be re-discovered by the masses. I can't even remember the last episode of "Sea Hunt" (Lloyd Bridges) that I saw...it's fucking amazing!
I guess I should touch upon what ancient cartoons tickle my fancy. I worship "Pixie and Dixie" and "Yogi Bear" and "Huckelberry Hound" and "Quickdraw McGraw". I burned out long ago on Warner Brothers cartoons. I'm glad "Space Ghost" and "Birdman" have been updated for "adult swim" on the cartoon network. I laugh my ass off at those shows..and I love the originals right along with the "Herculoids" and "Shazaam". I want to see more "Deputy Dog" and "underdog" and "Tennessee Tuxedo"..I'm tired of the same handful of Warner Bros. and Disney cartoons receiving all the attention.
My favorite cartoon charachters are semi-obscure in the year 2002 due to the great deal of violence displayed by them. It's a family of "3 bears" in which the Father is a hothead whom is the butt of every joke..the Mother is a sleepy oblivious airhead and the "baby" is a huge and stupid dumbass. Lots of anger expressed here...and it resembles vaguely a distorted version of our 3 person family unit at our worst moments (my next now complete book is about a family move that almost killed me..if you squint your eyes you might think I patterned us after the exaggerated charachterizations of these often unhappy and violent "3 Bears").
Norman Lear produced shows are great when I'm in the mood to tolerate the preaching within the scripts. The only mainstream shows of the last ten years I have watched and learned to enjoy are "Ren and Stimpy" "Beavis and Butthead" "King of the Hill" "Southpark" "WWF Tough enough"...and now the "Osbournes". Note! I turned heel on the "cause oriented" Simpsons long ago. That's about it...I've seen maybe 5 minutes here or there of all the "witty" "sophisticated" modern sitcoms that are oriented towards yuppies. If I'm stuck in a motel room and bored I'll make an exception and watch Fox network black-oriented comedy's. I'm not a huge fan of them, but at least I laugh now and then. I get violently angry watching crap like "Friends" or "Spin city" for even 2 minutes. I'm utterly APPALLED that pals of mine can watch 90's teen trauma/drama dreck. YEECCHHH!!!!
Above and beyond all TV shows and record albums I have one huge obsession that I never get the chance to tell people about. I FUCKING LOVE to watch old commercials from the 50's-to the 70's. I have a dozen or two hours of them..which isn't nearly enough. I get homicidal when a TV special devoted to them shows edited versions and/or a lot of bullshit yakking that interferes with their pristine beauty. These commercials are the same nostalgic thrill for me that all those overpriced Kiss and Star wars action figures are to so many of my friends and acquantances.
I also like looking at old cereal boxes and shit like that. Roughly, the years 1975 to 1985 were bleak TV wise because you had to depend on network TV to show old series that I love...and they rarely did. Independant TV stations helped pick up the slack a bit fortunately. Still, it was TV's "dark ages". I went weeks in the 80's without turning the set on at all. That's probably why we were forced to start a band for entertainment. Nobody appreciated the advent of the VHS player much more than I did. It's one of the miracles of my life that I can own copies of old shows I love and watch them over and over again. As I've revealed before...on Christmas eve and Christmas day when everybody else in the US is either schmoozing with relatives or at church or drinking in bed to forget it all..we 3 Irwins have our annual "Car 54" marathon which is shown with "Dragnet" episodes serving as a 2nd course.
Don't try to give me any shit about "living in the past"; what am I supposed to do in a world in which people think shows like "Seinfeld" and "Ally McBeal" are funny? Those shows are directed towards the fuckers I've always hated at crappy jobs. I'll take "My favorite martian" or "the Pruitt's of Southampton" (starring Phyliss Diller) " or even the underappreciated "Three's Company" anyday over that crap!!
4/15
I watch exploitation TV shows like Rikki Lake or Maury Povich or Springer now and then. I'm no rube..I'm suspicious of whatever I see on the boob tube and I particularly don't believe in the sincerity or truthfullness of what is presented to the audiences of these shows. Still, it's fun to see what sort of hokum the producers of the shows can come up with. I studied an episode of maury closely the other day. The flow of the show went approximately like this: 3 or 4 minutes of commercials...then a 1 minute "leadin" showing the viewer snippets of some shocking moments up ahead in the segment; then about 3 minutes of the actual show..followed by a pre-commercial break segment about a minute long showing us the same upcoming shocking previews we saw after the last commercial break..THEN another 3 minutes of commercials..followed by a one minute lead-in showing the exact same preview..followed by 3 minutes of the show..another 1 minute pre-commercial "preview" showing the SAME by now quite familiar upcoming highlights..and on and on and on and on the show goes following the same pattern. In an hour I must have seen 15 minutes of commercials..5 minutes of adds soliciting viewers to try out for an upcoming show with a theme...20 minutes of previews of what was coming up and 20 minutes of the actual show. Rather than be indignant about this, I find it all very ammusing to consider how STUPID so much of the viewing audience must be to be satisfied with such poor quality manipulative programming.
The theme of the particular episode was "my man bullies me and beats me and doesn't allow me to leave the house...HELP MAURY!" The first guests were a black couple. The female was a bit dumpy and lethargic...and her man was big, stocky and intimidating. He drew groans from the audience by insisting that he's the King of his house..and it's his womans job to serve him. Maury asked him if its true he doesn't allow his girlfriend to see her relatives..and he replied "damn straight..they TALK too much!"..the crowd booed him.
The next couple was also black. The male was skinny and awkward looking though compared to the first guy..the female looked dumpy and was very quiet. When this guy shot off his mouth about how he demands that his woman clip his toenails and run his bathwater the crowd BOOED much louder tha at the first villain. I assume that was due to the fact the guy wasn't scary looking.
The third couple was white. The female was another quiet, heavyset gal...her mate was a tall skinny white boy who thought he was gods gift to women. he hammed it up strutting out when he was introduced. Whenever maury chastised him he laughed back at him. I thought he was obviously playacting a role selected ahead of time for him. The last couple was also white. This female was fairly sexy...and a bit more outspoken than the rest. Her bully of a boyfriend was another frail white guy...this fellow had a mustach and a Southern drawl and was intended by the producers of the show to represent "trailer-trash" as opposed to the other white dude who was a "whigger" type.
The leadins and pre-commercial previews promised that these bullies were going to get a taste of their own medicine on the show that very day. This was repeated over and over every break. Eventually a woman in a wheel chair was rolled out. She told a teary eyed story about how her husband shot her leaving her paralized and then took his own life. Then, a big muscular black dude who talked like Mr. "T" came strutting out to a huge pop from the crowd..he must be a regular on the show. He knelt before the woman who was with the skinny, wimpy black dude...and convinced her to "get away" from her torment by standing up and walking off the stage. She left. He argued with the black guys for a minute..but they both laughed at him. After a commercial he yelled at each white guy for 30 seconds or so. Then, Maury announced that the women would be led away to be with the lady in the wheelchair..and the men would be straightened out by the heroic black dude.
This is what all the previews had promised the entire length of the show.
But what actually happened was very different. A clip of the two white guys now clad in jail overalls was shown. The black guy and a couple rough looking charachters were giving them the "scared straight" routine. The audience was nowhere to be seen. Surprisingly the two black guys were gone too...why??? That's one of the few angles I didn't understand. Eventually the white guys were forced to apologize all teary eyed to their women. They hugged and cried as the tough "Mr. T" clone jabbered on and on about what being a "man" entails. We viewers weren't offered a SINGLE CLUE as to why they "saw the light"..why they changed their ways..and why the black guys apparently weren't subjected to the "scared straight" routine with its overtones of jailhouse rape.
All in all, I'd say it was a disapponting hour. They didn't show the women asserting themselves at all. The black women seemingly were dragged back home by their hair by their cavemen. I was left very puzzled. I think I prefer "makeover" episodes where kids with piercings and punkrock hairdo's leave the show looking like young Republicans. At least they deliver the humiliation that is promised for fucks sake.
4/12
Marla and I pulled up in front of the CONTINENTAL club in Austin to see Wayne Hancock..and were greeted by a long line of Hotrod's and old vintage cars that have been restored or modified to look cool. I have absolutely ZERO mechanical aptitude, but I grew up around enough folks that do that I appreciate what we saw. Wayne was voted as the numero uno act that the hotrodder's wanted to see at their gathering. The atmosphere was similar to that of a C.O.S. supershow except for the fact that the people there were first and foremost into their cars instead of music.
Mr. Hancock played a fine set..that if charted out on a piece of paper would look like a jet flying paralell to the ground for a moment before blasting off into the sky. The first few songs were rough; he actually came in after the solo's on "87 Southbound" and started singing the words to a different song. He laughed at his booboo onstage and winked at the band members rather than throw a fit or blame it on his band like many entertainers would've done. A couple songs later he stopped in the middle of a song and went on to another tune. In case people were beginning to doubt his skills he proceeded to stomp on the accelorator at that point and crank out several songs I've never heard him play live. "Flatland boogie" was blisteringly fast.."Kansas city" was way faster than when we saw him last. I think he realized the audience was rockabilly oriented and tailored the set to an extent (which he calls out one song at a time) to them. He introduced "Johnny Law" with a reference to being found sleeping at the side of the road in Burnet Texas without taking the care to have his pot well concealed. YEEHAWW. I like those insider set-up comments.
Many of the gearheads in the audience seemed clueless..like they had never been in a music venue before. They'd rudely stand in the middle of the only aisle going from one end of the club to another..and obliviously yakk 10 feet from the stage (it's an accoustic set for fucks sake with the exception of the electric guitar)..blocking the barmaids much to their chagrin..and blocking the view of music fans like US who know how to behave at a big-city nightclub. I don't think they meant to be rude..they were just ignorant of what to do just like I am ignorant of what to do in a garage. Wayne closed with "your cheating heart" which I explained to a limey from the U.K. is a rare treat; he sings Hank songs sparingly lest he be pigeonholed (I assume) as a mere Hank clone or impersonater.
My email, my ebay, my drinking....EVERYTHING has been fucked up over the last few days due to our weird schedule around here this week. After a long night seeing the great WEARY BOYS at a legendary dance hall in Gruene Texas I got an hour and a half of sleep before rising after tossing and turning for another 3 hours. At 5:30 A.M. I was packing stuff..and I left directly to complete a mandatory thriftstore run after dropping Elvis off at school. I went to the post office and wound up tossing back more beer at 2:00 p.m. after doing all this and more on almost no sleep. I napped soonafter. I hope I can get to sleep tonight at a reasonable hour. My sleep patterns are FUCKED UP.
I haven't had a cup of coffee or a shot of whiskey in days throughout my turmoil. Tomorrow I'll try to relax a bit and be available for Elvis who has to get decked out in a damn tux to take his girlfriend to the frigging Junior prom. Sunday I've got to either do our tax return or file an extension. I also have a HITLIST deadline in a few days. Birthday gifts sit in their wrapping paper. The cat annoys the FUCK out of me more than ever. SHIT.
4/10
We practised last night for the first time at FULL volume at a huge mega-fucking studio complex in South Austin. I think there was about 100 units or so. I walked down the hallway and was happy to see a large 2 seat 2 urinal sumptuos (?!sp) mens room which looked fancier and cleaner than that of many major hotels I''ve visited. The basic charge for the rooms is $7 per hour which is pocket change split 5 ways. The equipment was sparkling new..and two plastic buckets were provided in light of the fact that you can haul all the alcohol you see fit to consume into your space. Lots of doors to load shit in. If you forget ANYTHING you can buy it at the desk. No waiting..two geeks helping customers full time...not in a stoned, lethargic manner like most studios either. Clap your hands and wave your credit card and they'll come running.
Compared to the dilapitated pisshole that we practised at in Philly for years doing business as "R.P.M." it was magnificent. R.P.M. was operated by hippie burntouts with caustic personalities. The equipment was JUNK.
We've practised in a million places over the last 21 years of course. At first it was usually in somebody's unfinished, not-soundproofed musty basement. As we attracted a better callibre of band member over the years we graduated to soundproofed, warm and cozy in the winter basements with enough room for me to almost stand up. When we lived in Hollywood we practised in the HOMES of people who moved all their personal stuff into the kitchen and converted their living space into a practise studio to make a living. I bet some of those drug inspired Vat practices of those days drove a couple of those layabouts to find JOBS!
I don't want to just rip into Philly all the time, but I got fucking FED UP with the whole word of mouth "I'll hook ya up" business practices. I should describe this better for Rebel-Roo's in places like Iowa or Montana. You see, the entire city from the Mayor's office to the schools to the corner Mom and Pop bars are operated on a basis of extending services, products or favors so as to acrue favors in return in the future. If you are a regular customer at a business the owner or clerk will bust ass to cut fresh meat for you, hand pick you a bag of the finest onions or Jersey tomatoes or lovingly hand-prepare your cheesesteak. If you AREN'T a regular..you can expect shitty smart-ass service, a cheesesteak perhaps decorated with spit and actual HIGHER PRICES. Yep. You walk into the average corner store and often there'll be no prices on anything..a SURE sign of a shop that cuts locals a deal and jacks-up the price on everybody else.
If you simply ask somebody for directions in Hostile city..they won't just give you a simple answer..uh uh. They have to "Hook Y'up". This involves repeating each step of the directions (Usually wrong) three or four times with several hand gestures and a lot of self congratulatory yakk..."see I TOLD ya I'd hook yup!" as if you were a retard and they just saved your life.
I could almost sanction this system..but the problem was I'd spend hundreds of dollars per year at a business by sending Elvis to pickup what we needed...but if I stepped into the place when Elvis wasn't around to pay for something on my own I'd get the jacked-up price + hostility routine. The Post offices were FUCKED UP even more than usual by this system. The Oriental guys and a white lady would specially take care of me..but if I wound up at Sammy's window (he was black) he'd move slow..invent postal rules on the spot to hassle me and treat me like shit. A dozen times I watched as Sammy smilingly spent a half hour helping a "brotha" fill out a passport application or repack a poorly sealed package. Meanwhile his fellow clerks had to bust their asses dealing with all the customers as Sammy devoted way too much time to a customer he felt like helping. Of course, they'd pull the same shit on him...spending a lot of time helping their chosen customers leaving him to pick up the slack. Of course A LOT OF THE TIME NOBODY picked up "the slack" and we customers would stand in line for a half hour or more on the average watching clerks joke and waste time with the folks they were "hooking up".
How does this alternate form of commerce effect city hall and the schools?? Well, a HUGE majority of city employees aren't hired for their qualifications..but as a form of repayment to somebody or other. That might be OK...but the employees assigned to jobs at "da' hall" are usely incompetant relatives or cronies of somebody up the ladder. Does this inspire efficiency?? HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!!!!!!!! Does this inspire them to sit on their fat fucking asses helping only those citizens whom they fucking feel like helping at whatever fucking slow speed they feel like moving their Tasty-Kake bloated fat ass???? HELL YEAH!
They are SO SLOW...that the entire several years I worked for a title company in Philly the official city recording office was 12-18 months BEHIND on their work!! This would be unheard of in South Dakota or South Carolina; if the city staff fell behind a couple weeks in those places heads would roll. But, not in Philly where everybody's "hooked up" by a relative.
Marla worked with tons of people over the years who didn't have drivers licenses or insurance. They laughed about it..."if I get pulled over it don't matter..my Uncles are cops". When we got burned by an air conditioning contractor it turned out to be pointless to try to get his license to do business revoked..."license..WHAT license??". Elvis went to two different special schools that only accepted the cream of students from across the city. One was an egghead school..and the other a performing arts school. The regular schools were pretty bad in most cases..so everybody wanted their kids to go to these schools. A RIGOROUS entrance exam and interviews had to be dealt with to get kids accepted. Unless of course your family has money...Elvis told us every year that half of his fellow students were dumb as rocks...but their parents pulled strings to get them admitted.
One day I went to Society Hill beverage to pick up a 30 pack of Busch beer. I had spent at least a thousand dollars there over the last year..but had recently switched to buying from "Bell beverage" who had better selection although they were farther away. Anyway..the clerk grunts at me "Ninedeen Dolluh's!!" I usually paid about $9.99 for that same 30 pack. I craned my neck looking for a sign that read $19.00 MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS!!!! Hell, I wouldn't expect to pay more than $16.00 for a 30 pack of BUD. The bastard had never seen me before...and since I sure as hell didn't look like a local (yunno..the wise-guy wannabe look) he took it upon himself to jack up the price. I shrugged..shook my head and walked out never to return. HE didn't care..and I doubt his BOSS gave a shit. They were too busy cutting deals "hooking up" the guys at the mummer clubhouses up and down 2nd street.
So, what did I do to buy beer for that night?? I drove amile further to Bell beverage where they "hooked me yup". They LOVED me there..and I always got free T-shirts, calenders, keychains and superb service. I was just the same guy..and didn't go out of my way to schmooze with them. It's just the way things work in Philly.
Here in Texas shopkeepers are really square and business like. They don't play games with their customers..and neither do any of the clerks at least here in San Marcos. I need a rest from 8 years of having to play the hook up game.
If you ever plan a trip to Philly ...get in touch. I can't "hook y'up" but I CAN tell you how to find the tourist section of town where the "hook up" system isn't so prevalent. Better yet..stay across the river in Jersey or go to Baltimore instead.
4/8
It's technically my damn birthday..we begin Birthday "loathing/celebration" at midnight around here. At any rate, Marla and Elvis were actually nice to me before they hit the fucking sack knowing I'd be up until dawn drinking beer with all my inner demons.
What the hell. I guess it's the first birthday I've saluted on this diary.
I'm only a few years older than guys like Randy Johnson and Roger Clemens; Ric Flair is way the fuck older than me..Hawk from the Road Warriors and I are the same damn age. I believe that toothpick sucking Scott Hall is my age too.
Most of my musical hero's are older than me. Of course not all of them. But certain important ones like Jayne County and Fred Cole and Big Jay McNeely and Dick Dale and Billy Lee Riley and John Lydon and Bill Nelson and Jerry Lee and Johnny Paycheck.
Of course we're minus quite a few heroe's I might have said the same for a few short years ago...Waylon, Sun Ra, etc. Plenty guys my age in much better condition have preceeded me to the graveyard: Rick Rude and Terry Gordy come to mind.
I have a few key goals left on this planet. Some of this may seem sad, so grab a fucking drink or a snotrag. GOAL: to survive both of my Mothers. The one who raised me for better or worse who is alive and well in Eugene Oregon...and the less fortunate less stable one who gave me my squinty, bloodshot alkie eyes you can see when I remove my sunglasses. GOAL: to drink until the bitter end...whenever that may be. It's the thing that has made it all worth while. It's PART of me. If I ever have to swear off I'll likely vanish from public forum's like this and go back to playing chess competitively or just sit and read books. GOAL: I hope our little goddamned family (who I love and want to help) can survive without me having to go back out and get a 9-5 job I hate. If I need to I must...but my will to live will go down the fucking toilet. I could work for a friend or acquantance though. let's hope I have a couple if hard times come around.
GOAL: NO Christian religion oriented funeral when I DO go. Toss me in a fucking hole and laugh; those who care please get drunk and play a Hank Williams record or two.
GOAL: It would be nice to hear of the death of a few key enemies before I go. I think less about them though as the years go by..and that's probably a sign of weakness.
GOAL: Bury me in TEXAS...NOT in fucking Boregon..or I'll come back and haunt you unrelentingly.
Life on this earth in this country in this year offers such contrasts. I sit in front of a goddamned computer and practically write out instructions for my damn funeral...yet right next to the computer is a damn pez despenser with a childish lambs head. On top of the computer are my old pal's the plastic pig..the ceramic turtle and the wooden duck. These little fucking trinkets make me laugh..and put things in perspective. Retarded bric-a-brac like this will outlast me and YOU. Pray all you want to gods you've convinced yourself rule the heavens. I say the plastic pig will outlast you and whatever statue you pray to. We all need to work this shit out for ourselves though.
On this my birthday..I FORGIVE my friends who have annoying "serious" religious beliefs I don't understand..although none of them have asked me to forgive them. On this my birthday I hope Ozzie Osbourne outlasts all of us and lives to be as old as Bob fucking Hope (who I don't care for one bit). On this my birthday I vow to be better about staying in touch with worthy friends I'm lucky to have that I've fallen out of regular contact with.
On this my fucking birthday I vow to be more RECKLESS than ever and less "safe" and neurotic in my day to day activities. On this my birthday I aspire to beat the shit out of some worthy traitor when I go out West in June.
I guess I filled the page..and can play "SIMS" with a clear fucking conscious.
4/6
A busy day sending reviews and a column to Carbon14.
Meanwhile a tornado passed over Central Texas. I'm glad I had my shoulder to the wheel working instead of holding a tea and crumpets party in the damn garden for fucks sake.
Elvis and I watched the ROAD WARRIORS Shoot interview that our pal Ted sent us. We weren't too surprised that Animal and Hawk fucking HATE Vince McMahon. We didn't expect that he's practically the only person in the industry they hate with such a passion. They seem like big badass guys "out of charachter". I mean, they were being themselves..but obviously their charachters are based on their own personalities.
If they had turned out to be big dumb meatheads we'd still love 'em...but they're very smart guys obviously. They payed their respects to all the jobbers that put THEM OVER for the first decade and a half or so of thier career! That was a nice goddamned classy touch. I've never heard another wrestler remember those guys with such gusto.
We finally got a copy of HANK WILLIAMS III's new CD "Lovesick, broke & driftin'" at the great HOGWILD records store down in San Antonio. His first CD was very good; this NEW one launches him up a couple levels at least. I'll use my good friends from Hammerlock as a mile post. His first album wasn't quite as good as any of their CD's..but the new one just barely pokes it's nose up over the height they've raised the bar. This is no slight to Travis and Liza. This still places them as one of the best bands going today...and I expect they'll nudge him next time. Hank the 3rd is pretty strong company to be waltzing around with. Just fucking THINK of the talent gene pool he's tapped into!! Of course Travis and Liza's gene's are rather mighty too..
I've been playing a couple songs over and over and over from the new CD: "Trashville" which starts out kicking butt (ironically?) in a manor reminiscent of one of his Daddy's songs..and features Billy Gibbons playing a guitar lead. It fucking rips into Nashville and points out the FACT (I agree) that Texas is where it's at for country music now. The very next tune "Walkin' with sorrow" is a pretty yodeling tune I remember from his live set. It's so pretty yet forlorn and sad...just like his Grandpa at HIS best.
I'm hoisting a Miller's AND my last shot of Ezra Brooks to Hank III.
Incidentally, while searching for Dale Watson's website last night on the net I spotted a prominent hit from a few weeks back when I had something to say about attending one of his shows. I've just figured out that what I write here is being picked up by search engines. If I start holding back due to this knowledge I want somebody to look me up and slap me a few times. I can only wonder what Chump Hogan might think of all my attacks on him. FUCK..we even recorded a song about him..we've gone out of our way to put him down. As far as other people I've ripped into that I should be concerned about..well, I can't think of any right now worth worrying about. Billy Joel??? Hacksaw Duggan?? I never re-read these diary entry's so I don't really know what I've said. I've been subjected as a musician to some of the most insulting putdowns I've seen anybody on the receiving end of. An Example review of Rancid Vat's "31 Flavors of hostility" published in "Punk Planet": "This sucks!". Yeah..a 2 word review.
No explanation why..oh well. I've been candid about why THEY suck a few times myself. If we recieved a good review in their stinking crusty-punk-loving buttwipe rag I'd REALLY be upset.
Anyway, I've taken my share of criticism; the rest of the world can take a little in return from me.
Oh yeah...BIG NEWS on the Rancid Vat front. Steel cage records is putting the finishing touches on a blockbuster CD titled "the CHEESESTEAK YEARS". It's going to be released in May as part of the labels "black-Spring" slate of releases featuring our old Hostile city pal's the BAD VIBES and our new Austin buddies the BULEMICS.
The CD will include a half dozen new Vat songs and a collection of classic songs from 1994 to present. A couple hard to find rarities have been specially included. I'm really looking forward to it.
It makes it all that much sweeter that ol' Cosmo and I have been in touch and are back to kissy-facing one another after the recent internet flurry of nastyness we exchanged. I know alot of dickheads would probably like to see us at odds. Well, fuck 'em. They can suck our assholes.
We're practicing at a professional studio with the new Vat guys on Wednesday night. We practised about 8 or 9 songs last week...and I taped some interview comments from a couple of 'em I'll edit and post here this week.
I've been fairly secretive about the new members identities..but that will end soon. I'll tell you this...nobody's gonna be kicking sand in our faces..and I almost pity the poor booker who tries to stiff us. These guys are fucking monsters.
4/4
Damn. I got an email from Rev. Axl Future about tonights Smackdown. Thing is, we didn't watch it. I should say that I watched about 5 minutes of it due to the Phillies being blown off the field by the fucking Braves. I miss Jericho and Angle and Lance Storm and a couple others..but I most certainly DON'T miss Hogan/Rock and their idiotic "non-wrestling fan" fan's. Of course I don't NEED to watch it to question the stupidity of pairing HHH vs. Chump Hogan for the strap at the upcoming pay-per-view.
It's obvious that the Chumpster will be wearing the strap at the end of the ppv. I can't stomach that...PERIOD. Given the $40 price (it's been increased) we're gonna pass on this one.
WHY HOGAN??? WHY NOW???
For the same reason "WHY" crap that dominates every musical chart in the land is successful. From country to pop to R&B..has it ever been worse collectively?? Not in my lifetime. For the same reason why commercials nowdays have to hop around frantically never focusing for longer than a split second on an image. This is a sign that the "people's" short attention span has gotten about as short as possible. Fashion, art..it's all stuck in neutral. The world needs to stick on a look or a sound or a wrestler long enough to challenge the quick easy status quo..wherein catch phrases not only rule the roost on TV wrestling shows but in many facets of modern life.
I've said it before..now here it is restated. Fashion hasn't budged a fucking inch since I went to work for Tower records several years ago. Young people are still splintered into the same "sub-genres" musically speaking. Nothings changed. Rap?? stuck in neutral...or reverse depending upon your point of view. Rap-Metal sells more units these days..but it's the same old goddamned look and hairdo's and apparell and the same 5 or 6 six hokey hand-signals..right??? .
This is why Chump Hogan has been granted a new title reign..even though his skills are weaker than the goddamned Brooklyn Brawler's. It's evidently better to have a familiar face in there than to challenge the masses to GROW UP and get on to the next thing.
I like quite a lot of old TV shows and old fashions and old movies and old motel neon signs and old stuff in general.
But DON'T confuse "old" stuff with "current" stuff that has become stale.
Here I live in an apartment complex with 300+ units..and I've NEVER ONCE seen one of the hundreds of students that live here wear something new that made me say "What the hell"??? I go from record store to thrift store a few days per week and I hear people listening on p.a. systems to the same old fucking crap that is PASSED OFF as being "new". The world still has barely caught up with the notion of teenagers running around with mohawk haircuts..a 20+ year old fad.
So, go ahead. Dust off the ol' Chumpster for another go around of super hero moronic wrestling at its WORST.
We'll just sit here and pout and watch more and more RUGBY.
A REMINDER!! Only a few more shopping days until my April 9th birthday.
4/2
Elvis and I have started watching alot of rugby since we updated our cable package to "digital" level (whatever the fuck THAT means..I HATE buzzwords meant to sell me shit). Of course it'll be a cold day in hell when the Irwin men watch soccer! Rugby is like soccer's mean, badass cousin. Actually it's more like a 3rd cousin resembling American football without so many rules, excess padding and excess religious overtones. Elvis contends there is absolutely NO family resemblance between rugby and soccer..which is not really a sport..but a hobby like croquet or lawn darts.
The graceful beauty of a head bashing rugby scrum is hard to top. It's got hockey beat hands down. We're not trying to pass ourselves off as experts; we are rubes who barely know whats going on at times..but our hearts are in the right place. We WANT to get to know this manly sport better.
I fucking HATE all college sports..especially bastardball. I used to be a fan of the NBA and NFL...years ago. Bastard-ball drives me crazy now with all the inherent rap/hiphop lifestyle overtones. With the brief exception of the XFL pro football has bugged me for years. What eventually drove me away from the NFL was the realization of just what kind of assholes the coaches and players in most cases are. When you mix huge doses of "god-fearin'" and big muscles you wind up with a disgusting concoction.
Happily, we are HUGE fans of baseball...and have already signed up for a big cable TV package that will provide us with a half dozen or so games per day. This is a good period of time to be a baseball fan. Some great players to watch are 6 foot 10 inch tall Randy Johnson (who Jello says is a part time drummer into loud as shit music), Frank Thomas who is a huge gorilla on the White Sox roster known as the "big hurt", Graeme Lloyd who is a bizarre looking pitcher (we think he looks like "satan") who stands 6 foot 7 or so, Carl Everett..a bad boy who was suspended once for poking his nose into an umpires eye, Mike Piazza..a heavy metal phanatic who practices in his home batting cage until his hands bleed..while music thunders in the background. John Rocker, Luis Gonzalez, Richie Sexson, Jim Edmonds, Antonio Alfonseca (who has SIX fingers..for real!) Todd Helton, Jimmy Rollins, Billy Wagner, Larry Walker.....and any player of Asian extraction not currently on Seattle's roster are all fun to watch.
Here's our picks for this season. We agree in every case except that of the American League West.
National league West: Diamondbacks
National league Central: Cardinals
National league East: Phillies
National league wild card: Astros.
American league West: Elvis= Athletics Reb= Rangers
American league Central: Indians
American league East: Yankees
American league wild card: Red Sox
NOTE! this isn't a list of our FAVORITES. It's a list of who we think will win each division.
We hope to go see a few Astro's games in Houston this season. We're alot closer to Round Rock which has a double AA team. San Antonio has a triple AAA team..but they're part of the Mariners farm system.....and I fucking HATE the Mariners along with the pampered city of rich cunts who attend their games.
Well, I'm so excited about baseball season I'm gonna sign off this diary entry and go play a play station "tripleplay baseball" game or two. FOR REAL. It beats watching the glare off of Chumpsters bald head as he cups his ear and leans towards the crowd.
4ms in a 3 foot shallow pool unable to climb out" adventure.
Brilliancy Prize Records
PO Box 1781
San Marcos, TX 78666
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