7/27/1993 at 2:31a
I have just been through one helluva day and evening... I don't know
what came over me earlier today, it carried thru into tonight... [J] lent
me $100. today for money for the rest of the week... This enabled the kids'
to go to Bible School tonight... Then this afternoon, my friend [D]
called and said we could eat supper at Church tonight because someone had
left a donation to be use for Bible School and [D] immediately thought of
our family... So the kids' and I ate lasagna, garlic bread, salad, fruit
and had tea and lemonade to drink... Then we attended a short service after
which the kids went to their classes, Rebecca went to help out in the Nursery
and I decided to sneak home and be with [B]... Unfortunatly I should have
stayed at Church... We were
talking about "things" and everything went downhill from there... He got
upset with me and ordered me out of the bedroom... He was furious... saying
I did not want to change, did not want to get out of this present lifestyle,...
did not want to get my head out of my ass, did not want anyone to be happy,
did not want to accept that this was a sign that things were finally turning
around for us... I immediately left and sat in the car for a few minutes to
gain my composure... I cried all the way to Church... Before I got out of
the car I asked God to please help [B] and I and that I was sorry I made
[B] so angry... I then was told that things will be better soon... just be
patient... When I got to Church I walked around in the hallways for awhile
until I felt like I could face people again... The first person who came up
to me was [L]... she put her hands on each side of my face
and just held my face and reassuring me that everything would be all right,
then she gave me a big long hug... Then [D] came over and we talked at
quite some lenghth... He is quite worried about me as I have not been
myself for the past 3 weeks... We talked more today at work and tonight at
Church than we have in a whole year... Then the kids' came down from their
classroom all full of energy and excited and happy about what they had done
in their classes... They painted the floors and walls of their room...
Neat, huh... Rebecca came and said there were only 4 babies in the nursery
and hoped there would be more tomorrow...
So I gathered all the kids' up and headed home... We sang "He's Got The
Whole World In His Hands" all the way home... It felt so good to hear all
of us singing together... On the way home I told the kids' that [B] and I
had a fight and that he and Jasper had gone on a walk... They were quite
concerned and I told them not to worry that things were going to work out
just fine... I did ask them to please be cooperative with me in getting
everything done before bedtime and I promised I would read them 2 stories...
[B] came home as I was about to start the stories... He still was upset
with me... didn't even ask the kids' about Bible School... I could hear him
in the bedroom putting things away... Then he went in and took a hot
bath... Said he was going to bed... I told him I would sleep out on the
couch... He said I was to sleep in bed because I needed a good nights sleep
so I could do my work tomorrow... I did not want to distrub him so I got my
pillows and headed for the couch... I stayed there about 2 hours then I
went back to the bedroom to get something and he said I need to come to
bed... I went back out to the living room, he followed and insisted I come
to bed... So as to not upset him anymore, I did come back to bed... He put
his hand on my left side and the tears just would not stop streaming down my
face... I finally drifted off to sleep and was abruptly awakened with a
whisper in the ear... "Tell [B] and the kids' goodbye"... Scared the shit
out of me... I rolled over and told [B] "goodbye" and he wanted to know
what I meant by this... So I carefully explained what had just happened to
me... He then told me to meditate and ask where I was going and why I was
being told to tell him and the kids' goodbye... Off I went into my
meditation state, asking why I was to say goodbye to my husband and children
and where was I going... Soon I felt myself going down several levels...
I was shown an old shriveled up cocoon and told to watch and see what was
going to happen... I was told that I was that cocoon and soon a beautiful
yellow and white fluffy butterfly emerged, whose wings just seem to envelop
the air as I flew around really enjoying the freedom... I was then told that
the old cocoon was the [P] of today and that the beautiful butterfly was the
new [P]... The old [P] had died and now I, the new [P], was newborn and
that I could now join my family again... I woke up and [B] asked if I
wanted to share it with him... I told him I needed to think about it a few
minutes... Then I told him the whole thing... He thinks this is just
fantastic... Remember my dream about the 4 bands... He thinks this may be
one of the bands, that means there could be 3 more to come... I've had a
couple of pretty intense rough days and I am really exhausted and hungry...
[B] has brought me a sandwich and some chocolate milk to drink...
Sorry to have been so much trouble today, for that matter the past 3
weeks... I will try to be a better student for I know not what I am to
do... You will have to teach me...