93/06/16 15:20
...round noon Elizabeth and I went over to the hospital and visited with
mom who has been moved from rm 2002 to rm 4017... she has been perfectly
lucid and doing wonderfully since about two days ago...
...was beginning to get sleepy... laid down on the bed... meditated
deeply and with ease... then slipped into a sort of dream... was at a
hospital talking to some people... different people... several scenes of
this kind of stuff [seems I'm not quite allowed to remember this right now
(03:00 pm 16 June 1993)... I was at a table or counter when someone to my
right started talking to me... a man... at first I couldn't get turned
around to see him... but after a bit of struggle with myself I was able to
see him... he was telling me that I may have some problem with her, soon...
I ask who... at first he wouldn't say who... then I asked again... asked
if it was Rebecca... he reluctantly said yes, you may lose her... this
afternoon... then I'm going over toward a room to see someone... as I
hurry toward that room my arms seem to have more and more stuff in them
making my forward progress more and more difficult... I get the distinct
feeling of like all the stuff I'm carrying and kinda dragging behind me is
like a cross (as a Man once dragged behind him 2000 years ago)... as I move
along the halls someone comes up behind me and says I see you have been
talking to someone about [I can't remember what]...
...now I am really getting worried about
Rebecca so I force myself to come out of this... Awake I go over to
Rebecca's room... I have asked her if she is OK... I feel worried...
especially after all those ESP hits you and I have been
getting and all the precognitive stuff too... I have Rebecca here now in my
room... she is just fine... n o w I t h i n k this probably has to
do with: Mom... I am writting this now (03:14 pm) to you for documentation
purposes...
***
93/06/16 17:04
I don't have to tell you that I'm praying for things to be okay.
Try and be calm and think positively.
About 4pm here, I had a S-T-R-O-N-G feeling that you had been
"here", and was almost shocked to find out you hadn't when I logged
on. I am at the point going to probably make a big fool of myself,
but I'll chance it. I felt a pressure on my forehead and the "sweet
burning" come over me quite strongly. I kind of laughed at myself,
thinking that the pressure was probably just eye-strain (I've been
sewing all day), and that I was doing one of those "headache is a
brain tumor" things. Please tell me this was eye strain!! I don't
think I'm ready for anything else. I'm sorry to bring up something
that happened to ME when you're so worried...But then, I guess it
wasn't all me, was it...I felt you, too.
***
93/06/16 18:11
Your 4:00 o'clock is my 3:00 o'clock remember! At my 3:00 o'clock I was
sitting at this computer typing that last note to you. I then had Rebecca
in here sitting on the bed where she was cutting out her coupons which she
likes to do. Had her in here so's I could keep a watch on her. In typing
the note I was strongly thinking of you... I can no longer deny
that we are connected... as if there is a hose from by body/spirit right
into your body/spirit... [just REALIZED after saying that that symbolicly
this communication path is a "hose"] ...you are no fool... I think your
forehead pressure was real... as well as the "sweet burning" that surged...
I have previously discovered that my forehead pressure surges when I am
supposed to notice or pay attention to something [that is the question I was
asking of [G] about the band around my head... I already knew the answer
but needed to hear confirmation from her] You have
already, bless your heart, told me that '...Maybe the big "surge" is a
reward for "figuring something out"' which it seems to me to be pretty much
[the case]
...anyway, after sending the other note off to you, I had Rebecca walk
along with me so's we could trail Elizabeth on her training wheel bike over
a few blocks so's she could play with a girl friend her own age... Earlier
today she has been upset as Tyra and his male buddy don't want her to play
with them and she has nobody to play with... We left Elizabeth over
there... Rebecca and I walked on home... At my 4:30 Rebecca and I walked
back over there to get Elizabeth and follow her on her bike back here to the
house... Since about my 4:00 o'clock I have been calm and oh! so! serene...
Right now I feel totaly calm thruout my body... BTW each time you have the
surge of the "sweet burning" please make a mental note of the time and what
it was like and report them to me... I want to see if they
correlate to anything I notice with me... [and you already did report this
one and it did correlate to what I was doing... BTW I
have already correlated that when I have an intense session on the cpu with
you that the forehead pressure surges or will kick on so to speak...
yesterday I noticed that the "sweet burning" sensations also correlated to
having been in a session with you... NOW you can not deny that
when we are connected you are pulling on me strongly... and in my dream if
you will remember I had my mouth over the opening of the champagne bottle
when the liquid erupted upward spilling all over everything!!! [please
reread that note again for further understanding!!!]
***
93/06/16 20:15
..this is great! I just got back from another walk with Elizabeth on her
be-wheeled bike around the rather large block... I was coming in here to
write you that I have been taking small sips of your sweet nectar for the
last couple of hours... As I walked around I am looking at the flowers, the
trees, the grass, the lovely shadows in the wooded area, the prettest little
girl riding her bike with her brother[?], talking so nicely to Elizabeth,
letting Rebecca play at the neighbors, etc... wow! wow! soft, sweet
feelings of warmth, very gentle, calling you to look again, to listen
closely to the birds, see how beautiful the houses and yards look... Your
liquor tastes sooo good... I want more....
...wasn't that dream about the champagne bottle SO symbolic of how it
feels.... I only realized that while ago when I wrote that letter... now I
know why the ancient India religions and culture contained so much erotic
pictures, sculptures, etc... they already knew all of this thousands of
years ago... do read the "gita" book and the "Hidden Journey" book and
"Autobiography of a Yogi" book... I can't talk to you about them
till you know what they say...
...you know what I think... that I have my third eye chakra open and you
have your heart chakra open... and that we are connecting so that I can
thru you open my heart chakra and that you can thru me open your eye
chakra... this morning in your bath you were reporting to me exactly the
way I was getting insights lately and making connections between... your
void is being slowly filled by me... my void is being slowly filled by
you... my erotic images tell us symbolicly what is happening... God isn't
this just great... I have lost my fear of it all... I am not afraid of
you... [damnest softest surge in my forehead when I said I am not afraid of
you] I think I am being told not to be afraid of you... God isn't this
the greatest...
***
93/06/16 22:09
There! I feel much more secure now.
I just love the way you're enjoying this! It IS a spectacular
feeling, isn't it! I often walk down to the end of our lot and walk
along the river...I get the same feeling everytime I'm there. Other
places, too, but especially there. It's just about the most beautiful
place I've ever seen, and it's LITERALLY right in my own back yard!
I love it that you seem to also be turning this toward your family!
Isn't it neat how generous you can be with it, and you still don't
run out!!
***
93/06/16 22:46
...I can't wait until [G] gets back
with that reading response... I am very, very curious about all of this...
you sure love to connect don't you... I however am a very cautious
person... I must understand things but not necessarily in a logical way...
I can be very logical, but I can understand in other forms of logical
ways... There are many forms of logical ways... Sometimes I am not so sure
of what is happening but I pick my way carefully thru... I don't like to be
conformist at all... Yet I have very strong thoughts about what I must
do... I know that all my life I have been somehow aware of being directed
to do things, did not know the why just that I should... I watched and I
listened not quite sure what I was looking for... Only I knew that when I
saw or heard it I would recognize it... It has guided me all thru my
life... Dreams have been a very important thing in my life... I have known
they are telling me things... As I have gotten older the dreams have become
even more important... The dreams have told me of things to come in my life
which indeed have happened... I have learned to respect and trust this
source of information... Even tho I did not necessarily understand how to
intrepret it at the time it happened... The dreams began to become
comforting as I knew they would show me the way... And I learned to listen
closely to them... I have read books, many, many of them... When young I
loved science... my teacher used to get so upset with me because I would
not pick out any but these...
[P] visited mom after work today... She said mom had slipped back to
seeing Tyra hanging from the curtain ceiling rail... mom is again rocking
from side to side in a disoriented way moving her head to the right and to
the left and then back again [symbolic to me of trying to wiggle out of her
body] [P] called home here from the hospital so mom could talk to us...
she was pretty coherent then... I had each of the three children talk to
her on the phone a little... [Elizabeth had been to see her with me about
noon too]... I talked to mom and I told her "I love you" just to make sure
she heard it from me...
**
93/06/17 07:56
...I couldn't sleep for several hours after I finished up and sent you
that "life story..." ... I meditated right after sending
the letter off, very long, deep, and remember nothing of it... then tossed
and turned quite a while... then meditated for a while... that meditation
mostly was about -the doing and practicing of seeing with my inside eyes
in the spiritual landscapes- in that I was learning that I was literally
PRACTICING in realtime the looking with my eyes about me at the
landscapes... I noticed how incredible soft and subtle and quiet you must
become to get those inside eyes to focus... sheee! v e r y v e r y
s o f t a n d g e n t l e sheee! quite please! now look very softly
around and you will b e g i n to see.........
...while in that meditation or somewhere close to it in time... I saw
some symbolic stuff (in the VCR 2:49 am time range)... I felt as if I was
being involved in helping my mother's release from her life into the
spiritual side... I saw a bottle, it was kind of shaken about some... then
I helped at last pour out what was inside or a least encouraged the contents
or liquid inside to pour out of the bottle... I saw that get out ok...
then I saw some kinda of sticky, gunky stuff come slidding out of the bottle
to [like afterbirth] and the bottle was empty... and I felt or knew that
this was my mother getting out and free... ergo thus I was birthing my own
mother from physical life back to spiritual life...
...after tossing and turning some and thinking about things... I begin to
wonder if perhaps that dream/reverie the other night which I recorded and
reported to you about the "light that came to our bed and hovered over [P]'s
head" on 12 June 93 "Sub: pulsing light, tingling":
"...
...at about 2:30 a.m. I was laying on the bed facing [P] she asleep facing
me. The overhead fan was blowing cool air down upon her and me (A.C. not
being used). I drifted off toward sleep... I noticed being in a sort of
large lot or yard. Looking off ahead a ways I could make out the image of
some animals or forms. I looked over to my right a ways and could also see
off in the distance some forms moving about. Then my attention was captured
by what appeared to be a small like light starting to apear out in front of
my head a couple of feet or so. At first it seemed small but quickly grew
to the size of a large thumb. It reminded me of a reddish plastic rounded
lens cap shapped like the upper part of a thumb (like on the end of a
flashlight). As the light grew in size it flickered with yellow, red,
orange mixes of light and it STRONGLY held my attention. I noticed also
that I was feeling tingling sensations all over me. I kept getting the
feeling that I was trying to be pulled up and away from my body. Not lazily
trying to drift up and away BUT being pulled up and taken off to somewhere.
As soon as I began to realize what was happening I wanted to let it continue
a little but in a safe way. I began to say silently to myself "God be with
me! God be with me!, ..." which kept me comfortable with the experience for
a while as the light continued to pulsate and the tingling got stronger.
The sensation of trying to be pulled up and away grew stronger! Finally I
new that this was all I could handle for now and then I "willed" myself to
come out of it and awake! As I became conscious I noticed that the light
position had been just over [P]'s head above her pillow as view from my
perspective (if it had a position in 3D real space)... I felt quite
excited. [Just before awakening I had gotten to wondering if I was being
abducted which kinda is what led me to decide to awake myself.] When I
awoke I checked the VCR clock and it said 2:42. ... I am
reporting a "first time" experience to you and very close to the time when
it happened to me. This experience is not unlike other dreams and reveries
I have had. ...you see, no damn "guidebook" provided as to what's it all
mean!!! ... I guess, as usual, I'm suppose to figure it out myself or
ignore it or whatever I choose! I suspect, however, that if my spiritual
awakening and development is to continue the choice reduces to work at
trying to integrate it into my knowledge and experience base! But, now
maybe I won't be alone on the physicsal side here in trying to
understand it...
..."
..the thought I began to have then last night was that maybe, just maybe
[hang on here with me] that [this experience is a declaration of my
decsion] that light on 12 June 1993 that came and tried to get me to lift up
and go with it along with the tingling sensations but that I decided to will
myself out of this experience and wake up was literally coming to take me
[B] away [read I was to die in my sleep that night literally] but that I
made my "ego-die" decision by deciding to will myself [new-spirit] not to
and wake me up out of it but that the [old-ego] did die... [think about it
in terms of what has happened in the last two days] ...yesterday, I feel as
if I am trying to become a different person... trying to become more
loving... trying to become more caring and concerned for my children...
opening my eyes to the possibility of love... for [P], you, the children,
others around me, myself, the things around me... you in effect
have participated literally in helping the old [B] to die and be reborn in
a new way with new qualities among which is the ability to know love...
...anyway, as I was laying there thinking this, I could relate it to the
dream yesterday about Mom dying "...this afternoon..."... remember me
carrying the bundles and stuff in my arm such that they seem to be getting
heavier and were beginning to drag on the ground behind and the feeling as
if I was dragging a cross on my shoulder towards my mom's hospital room...
[realtime: at this second I just realized]: I have been asking in
meditation in recent weeks to be shown what my real purpose in reincarnation
in this life time is. Perhaps that purpose is to literally "ego-die" with
the assistance of my mother and be reborn again anew with an understanding
of love inside...!!!!! [making YOU of course my mid-wife]
...anyway, as I was laying there thinking those things I began to think
very seriously that someone was about to die... I got kind of scared...
maybe it was going to be me tonight... then maybe it was Rebecca... so I
went to check on her... then Elizabeth and Tyra and I went to check on each
of them... they were fine... then I noticed [P] laying there on the right
side of the bed faceing me asleep and lightly snoring... and I realized
that that light from the 12 June reverie had been over her head... I
thought maybe it is [P] that is going to die tonight... so I lay my left
hand over her heart and kept it there... I felt reassured by the feel of
her... and I could feel her move... and I could hear her breath... as I
lay there with my hand over her heart I slipped into a dream or reverie...
then that light was back... not as strong with flashing lights but there
above [P] and her head... I could feel it's vibrations and tingling... I
was thinking it was coming to take her away... I still had my hand upon her
chest... I struggled and after a few long seconds I managed to get myself
to come out of this and awake all the time telling her silently and shaking
my hand upon her chest to "...wake up [P]...". I was so relieved when I
awoke and [P] snored big and shifted around... soon every thing was again
peacefull... I guess I fell off to sleep because the next thing I know I am
waking up at about 6:00 o'clock local time... all seems well now... I seem
to remember composing and/or reading more poetry...