HORRORSCOPES

Aries:
The Reindeer
Chances are that you'll do nothing of any merit this week. A Co-Worker will smile at you. It May mean something, or they may just be trying to be friendly. You never can be too sure with smiles, so beware... it could be a bad sign.
Taurus:
The Horned Mouse
You will continue on in your meaningless existence. Look at a Libra for like 10 minutes non-stop and you'll get an unpleasant response. Beware the ides of march.
Gemini:
The Thumb Wrestlers
You discover that no one really likes you A LOT and it's only just so-so. You become depressed and go on an all night cooking rampage. Your so-called "friends" will be disappointed with your glazed ham.
Cancer:
The Mutant Space Crab
You discover that tapioca has somehow worked it's way into all of your best clothes. You later discover that it's not tapioca but large bacteria colonies. You figure that you can put off washing your clothes for one more week.
Leo:
The Man-Eating Gorilla
Your strange attraction to Pokémon will fail to score you a mate. Again. Maybe Pikachu isn't your type? Go for the fire lizard Charmander. Rumor has it he's looking for someone as well, and his fiery personality is just what you need.
Virgo:
The Harbinger of Pointed Sticks
Even thought your guidance counselor said that you could, you can't reach the stars. Give up now, because you'll never amount to much. Or so a cancer leads you to believe...
Libra:
The Thingie-ma-bob
You're disappointed to learn not only is it not "eyes-cream" but the fact that there are no eyes in it what so ever. So much for that new diet.
Scorpio:
The Clawed Lizard-Snake-Thing
After logging more than 20,000,000 hours in FPS games, psychologists determine that you are "Waaaaaaayyyyy past due" for a killing spree at your school and/or workplace. But your ideas of a homicidal rampage are cut short based on the fact that in real life there is no "God Mode"
Sagittarius:
The Man-Beast
You are left with a lump in your stomach after a steak dinner. Three days later you will suddenly realize why you shouldn't eat the bone part of a T-Bone steak. See a doctor.
Capricorn:
The Escaped Genetic Experiment
You will grow a third eye. Unfortunately, it's totally blind, and no one, including yourself can see it. Because of this, you claim that you are the "Ultimate Third Eye Blind Fan." Your friends suddenly get the impression that you are a loser.
Aquarius:
The Naked Beer Spiller
You FINALLY realize that your life-time goal of destroying the world is self-defeating.
Pisces:
The... (let's keep this a PG site!)
Search as you might, you cannot locate the smell on your house. You finally realize that you haven't showered in well over 3 months, and it suddenly dawns on you why you've "Lost your touch" with the ladies.