Halloween Eggs

Joey was bouncing off the walls, running around the room as fast as he could, and yelling at the top of his lungs, "I'm the baddest. I'm the coolest. I'm the greatest ever was." He ran over to his sister Susie, pulled her pig-tails, and then kept right on going, too quick to catch.

"Mrs. Summers!" screamed Susie. "Joey pulled my braids almost right off my head." She hissed and sputtered, turning in circles to keep a wary eye on her brat brother. "You're gonna get it, Joey. Just you wait."

Joey did the little butt dance, shifting his weight back and forth on his feet, spread wide apart, sticking his rear end just as far in each direction as he could. His two hands were up by his head, thumbs pressed against his temples, fingers tickling the air in the waving-deer-antler taunt. He scrunched up his face, stuck his tongue out, and moaned just like a forlorn puppy. "Cry baby, cry baby, Susie's such a cry baby."

Andy was sweet on Susie. He was taller than all the other kids, and was already starting to muscle up. Everyone liked him, even if he did like to talk about how cool he was all the time.

"Quit teasing Susie," said Andy. "Only little kids do stuff like that."

Joey stopped dead in his tracks. Andy was his hero, and what Andy said was law, no questions asked. Joey quietly came to heel, and grinned. "I was just having fun."

Andy knew a secret; Joey was sweet on Teresa. "Hey, Joey. I know what you could do. Go help Teresa put the cookies out for the party."

Joey's eyes lit up. "You bet, Andy."

Andy watched Joey walk over to the corner table, where the cookies, and cupcakes, and apple cider, and other treats were being set out just so by Teresa. Joey whispered something to her. She looked back at Susie and giggled. Andy shook his head, and walked over to Susie.

"I'm sorry Joey is such a pimple, Susie. He isn't really mean, just kind of excited about trick-or-treating." Joey stretched as tall as he could get, puffed out his chest, and slicked back his hair with his hand. Then he winked at her.

She just about melted, a little puddle of Susie on the floor at Andy's feet. She put her hand on his arm, stroked it, and purred, "Oh, Andy." She sighed deeply, fluttered her eye lashes, and smiled just as sweetly as she knew how. "You're just ever so strong and handsome."

Andy puffed up even further, and looked set to start crowing. But it was just about then that the Great Cookie War started.

Nick was a vacuum cleaner. Leave your lunch out anywhere within reach, and it was history. Nellie swore up and down that he once ate the plastic right off a fake apple. She cackled about that for weeks and weeks. They were sworn enemies ever since, well, at least Nellie thought so. Nick really didn't pay all that much attention to anything if it wasn't a ding dong, twinkie, cookie, or something else edible. He would wander the lunch room cleaning up, and there would be Nellie right behind him, telling him what a pig he was. She would pick, and pick, and pick, but he paid her no attention at all. This time, it was the chocolate chip cookies he was after.

Nick kept trying to get to them, and Teresa kept pushing him away. But then Nick, surprisingly quick for such a fat boy, managed an end run and snagged one. That's when all hell broke loose. Nick huddled up over his treasure, unsuccessfully trying to snag bites of it. All the while Teresa kept butting him to get it back, and of course Joey was right there trying to get an arm lock on Nick. Nellie kept poking her finger at the thief, and chanting, "Give it back! Give it back!"

So, there's refrigerator Nick huddled over his stolen cookie, tackler Joey hanging off his back, Teresa head-butting him, and Nellie trying to finger-poke him into submission.

Susie, ever watching out for everyone else, turned to Andy, and said, "They're gonna ruin everything!"

Andy turned his attention to the ruckus. "Hey there! Stop that," he yelled.

Nick, Joey, Teresa, and Nellie froze.

Andy strutted over to them, Susie right behind him, looking for all the world as if they owned the room.

"You guys are gonna ruin it for all of us," proclaimed Susie. She couldn't have been more haughty if she had tried.

Andy tsk, tsk, tsk'ed, all the while shaking his head, just like his dad would. "Nick, give the cookie to Teresa and quit stealing. Teresa and Nellie, quick, straighten everything up before Mrs. Summers comes back in. Joey, you can let Nick up now." Thing was, Nick had to roll over before Joey could squeeze out.

Nick stood, and lowered his head. He held his hand out palm up, and opened his fist, revealing a soggy pile of cookie crumbs.

Nellie clucked her exasperation, Joey laughed, and Teresa proclaimed, "I ain't touchin' that."

Nick stuffed his entire hand, crumbs, fingers, and all into his mouth.

That's when Mrs. Summers walked in. "Well now, are you children ready to go trick-or-treating? Why aren't you dressed yet? Hurry and go get ready. I made you special costumes this year."

Andy smiled at Mrs. Summers. "Yes, Ma'am, and may I say how pretty you are tonight? I love your witch's costume!"

"Thank you, Andy. Aren't you just the sweetest! Now, do be a dear and help me get everyone dressed, will you please?"

Andy ordered and cajoled, while his side-kick Joey ran around herding everyone into the bedroom. On the bed, carefully lain out and pinned with name tags, were the hand-made chicken outfits. The girls were ooh'ing and ah'ing at the glitter and sequins. Andy was admiring the feather caps.

Joey was digging around in the closets. "Hey guys! Check this out."

Andy turned to see. Bed clothes, shawls, shoes, belts, ties, dresses, hats, and who knows what else came flying out of the closet. He picked up the feathered boa, wrapped it around his neck, and swaggered over to the full length mirror. "Wow!"

Susie walked up behind him, and started straightening it out over his broad shoulders. "You look so handsome, just like a Prince."

Nellie and Teresa were admiring the shoes, trying them on and staggering as they tried walking in them for the first time. Teresa was a natural, but Nellie kept twisting her ankle. Nick had found an old stash of chocolate in the back corner, and was busy stuffing his face.

With some tussling, grumbling, and bickering they were soon dressed in costumes of their own design. Andy, with his feather boa, was the dance hall hag; Joey was wearing farmer bibs and puppy slippers; Susie had found a mink hat with ears and a silk nightgown; Teresa had fur leggings, a mohair jacket, and nine-inch, red, sequined heels; Nellie had on a god-awful patch-work of anything that had feathers or glittered; and Nick was still in his jeans and tennis shoes, smeared in melted chocolate.

Andy sighed deeply. "Nick! Where's your costume?"

"I dunno," came the mumbled reply.

"Somebody get a costume for Nick," said Andy.

Nellie picked up an old sheet, tore two eye holes and two more for arms, walked over to Nick, held it out, and with the most contemptuous voice she could muster, said, "Here, piggy. Go ahead and smear your nasty hands all over this. Everyone will just think you're a Holstein cow."

"Cool!" said Nick.

Everybody laughed.

Mrs. Summers called from the living room. "You kids ready yet? It's almost time to get going."

"We're dressed, Mrs. Summers. You're gonna love our costumes!" Andy led the parade out for their formal review. One by one, the kids marched out the bedroom door, past Mrs. Summers, and lined up.

Mrs. Summers was quiet, very quiet, and she didn't look happy. "Where are the chicken costumes I made for you? Didn't you see them on the bed? Each one had your name on it so you'd know which is which."

Andy smiled and preened. "We saw them and they're really cool, but then we found the closet, and aren't these just the greatest?"

The kids all curtsied or bowed, and then turned for Mrs. Summers to admire their creations.

She started to answer, but then Nick found the new plate of fudge and cut her off. "Hey guys. This new fudge is really, really good!"

The kids made a beeline for the table, swooping down on the fudge. The plate was clean before Mrs. Summers managed to get out a stifled, "No, wait. Not yet. Oh, damn! You're wearing the wrong costumes for that fudge!"

The kids, done with the fudge, turned to her, and chorused, "Thank you, Mrs. Summers."

"What's done is done," she muttered, then strode to the front door and opened it. "Alright then, time for trick-or-treating. Just remember, don't eat any candy, no matter who it's from, until you get back here and I check it. We don't want any of you little darlings to find a nasty surprise. Get going now, and remember, be back here in two hours. Do you have your watch on, Andy? You're responsible for getting everyone back on time."

"Yes, Mrs. Summers," replied Andy. He gestured to the others. "Let's go!"

The kids, excited to show off their farm characters to the neighborhood, crowded to the door. Mrs. Summers pinned a single chicken feather on each one's breast. "For luck," she said, thinking to herself, This should fix it.

The children hurried across the porch, and down the road towards their first hit. Mrs. Summers stood on the porch and watched them. She cackled, "Soon, little darlings. Soon!"

She turned, and walked back into the house, closing the door behind her. Across the living room and into the kitchen she strode, where she opened her great book, and read the recipe once more.

     "First the fudge,
          then the nudge,
          mortal eggs to lay.

     Dressed in feathers,
          Mind! No leathers!
          have on hand fresh mown hay.

     Best be nimble,
          best be quick,
          break the eggs with Rowan stick."

Mrs. Summers walked to the broom closet, and opened the door. A black cat sauntered out and rubbed up against her shins, purring loudly. "Good boy, Schrodinger. Now go keep an eye on those rag-a-muffins and make sure they get back here on time."

Schrodinger jumped up on the counter, and then out the open window. Mrs. Summers put on her long black cape and pointed hat, and pulled her Rowan stick out of the deep pocket. She waved it a couple of times, practicing, and then traced glowing words in the air with it. The room crackled with energy, and a deep voice boomed, "Now Is The Season!"

"Well, then," she said. "All is prepared and ready to go. Nothing to do now but wait around for the little egg-layers to get back and change."

Two hours later, exact to the second, the front door burst open to the chatter of the excited children. Schrodinger swept in under their feet unnoticed, and ran into the kitchen. He jumped up into snoozing Mrs. Summers' lap, and dug his claws in. Mrs. Summers yelped.

"What the dickens are you doing, Schrodinger? Oh! The children are back. Well, then. Time to collect some eggs."

She pulled the gold bowl down off the top shelf, adjusted her hat, and strode into the living room, Schrodinger quick on her heels. All hell had broken out. The children were writhing and struggling as each one slowly transformed into a farm animal. Andy was up on the counter crowing his alarm, while Joey scampered about barking. Susie was perched on the counter next to Andy, her back arched and fur sticking up on end, hissing at Schrodinger. Nick was rooting around in the spilled treasures from the overturned table, while Teresa kept head-butting him away. Nellie was the only hen.

Mrs. Summers picked up Nellie, and put her on a box of hay above the corner alter. Then, she waved her Rowan wand over her, and said some strange words in a foreign tongue. She lifted Nellie and picked up a single egg, examined it closely, and set her back down. One egg, when she needed six.

She turned to the other children, barn animals all, sighed, and said, "Damn cheap fudge! I ordered all hens."

© 2004 Guy Koehler