MONK’S
STORY
TIME
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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had
his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now,
who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall
not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper.
"Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up.
"Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who
said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck
this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting
to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You
little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary
Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her
on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
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Two medical students were walking along the street when
they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students
said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk
just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The
old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in
class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're
medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't
agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll
tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry
Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're
wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought......... but you're
wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said: "I thought it was a fart........... but I was wrong."
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Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone,
who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the
following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the
school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old woman received a new
radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story
is a credit to all humankind.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it is nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke
into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
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Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said
to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and
archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They
held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the
markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and
said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so
they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing
is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish
which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food
from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says:
Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick
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Today my baby girl 18th birthday. I be so glad that this
be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those
damn payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when
she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo
momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression
on her face
Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" and watch the 'spression on yo face
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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible
shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog
were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were
stranded on a deserted island. After
being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening,
the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and
gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man.
Soon, he
leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks
passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor
was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the
man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought
the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to
Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the
dog for a walk?"
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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of
a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure
out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to
death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the
princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she
would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of
the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's
life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of
her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had
uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his
freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for
a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The
most beau tiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when
she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self
only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful
woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle,
an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by
night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you
scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice
herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
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While checking the church storeroom, the Pastor discovered several
cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and
distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three
volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-
door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task. The minister knew that Jack and
Paul earned their living
as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who
was a local farmer, who
had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louie stuttered badly.
But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him
try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door
selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last
week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using
my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is
indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for
the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest,
confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on
behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul.
You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also
indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large
envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is
this?" the minister exclaimed.
"Louie, there's $3200 in here!
Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door,
in just one week?"
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you
claim to have
sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could." "Yes, this
does seem unlikely," the minister agreed.
"I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this,
Louie."
Louie shrugged.
"I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted.
"For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them
when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," louie replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like
m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
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Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,
but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish for, our husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's
okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in
the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the
most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the
richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband
the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.
"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers:
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his Wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're
really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes
to show that women never listen!!!
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A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some
sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the
most sheer item, pays the $500 and take the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it
on and model it for him. Upstairs, the
wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be
nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep
the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500,
they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending.
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An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done
everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing
away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest
method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't
certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked
him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
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There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar
stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking.
One man said, ''So what's new in your life?''
The other responded, ''Well I just found out my son got a
promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On
top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a
brand new Lexus.''
The other man says, ''My son also got a promotion and he has
decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach.''
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of
upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, ''I just
found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new
Lexus and a new house on the beach.''
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A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the
Confessional and said nothing. The
priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the
drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three
times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no
paper."
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says,
"Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs
calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the
passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the
second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife
and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your
mouth shut." The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket." The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that
you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL
UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been
drinking."