I recall a time, some twenty plus years ago, when I was in a frame of mind (state of being) very much like now. (Indeed, it feels very much like what I understand a cosmic worm-hole to be - a direct connection between one point in time and a much different one, without any intervening instances between them).
At that time I was sitting and writing an open letter to the people who were of the profoundest and most deeply intimate importance in my life. (My only child and daughter in particular, her mother, my parents and siblings, and an individual with whom I felt an equally profound relationship at the time). I was addressing it to each of them as an individual, and yet, to all of them as a group.
I was expressing my deepest feelings and motivations about and toward each of them, and yet doing it in this manner because I knew what I had to say to each of them was in essence very much the same.
And, even as I was writing it, I knew I would likely never send it to any of them. (And I didn't).
I was aware that what I was saying as to my thoughts and motivations was of a nature as likely to come across to them as being rambling, bordering on either simply inebriated incomprehensibility or even outright lunacy. (And I wasn't so sure within myself that such wasn't precisely what it was).
The gist of that writing was:
I saw something - something they apparently were unable to see (at least not yet as clearly as I could then see it, as astigmatic as my own vision of it was). But I sensed that 'something' was of such potentially revolutionary and yet positive significance as to be of tremendous benefit to not only myself but each of them as well, if only I were somehow able to fully grasp it and make it real. I knew that accomplishing that goal would be as difficult a challenge as any I could ever come across or take on - perhaps, maybe even likely or inevitably, impossible. Yet I saw the potential benefit, if I should succeed, as being worth the risk.
Yes, that 'something', and my decision to pursue it, reeked of the possibility of being nothing other than the result of a mind unhinged from reality and lost in it's own hallucinatory inner maze. But, at least for me, it held an equally powerful aroma of the potential for a new reality of paradigm shifting proportions, with a resulting boon for the entire world (including the people to whom I was writing and myself) of equal proportions. I didn't know which it truly was. But I knew I had to find out. If my love for them were genuine, as I fully felt it was, having seen what I saw, I could do no less, irrespective of such other more traditional manifestations of my love which might have to be foregone (and irrespective of such instances of actual insanity which I might have to pass through) in the process.
And there was no way to do that but dive in, hold on for dear life, and try (and keep trying). If there were any roadmaps available, they were, and likely would remain, as ethereal and nebulous as the vision itself. But I was on my way, and the cosmos willing, I would one day return with a truly positive result for all of us. This was the highest and best manifestation of my hope and love for them.
That's what that letter said, so many years ago.
And now I write this one (soberly at a desk on a computer keyboard rather than on a park bench with pen and paper at one hand and a half case of cheap beer at the other). And it's as though I can now, finally, pick up where that earlier letter left off - with the positive result which was only a glimmering hope as I finished that first letter.
The intervening journey was a long (sometimes seemingly endless), often lonely (sometimes seemingly bone deep) and tortuous one (sometimes torturous in it's soul nauseating contortions), in which it seems I took every possible wrong direction available, including some quite recent ones (and, if any more come along I may well take a transitory detour into their cul-de-sacs as well). But I'm through it now, at least in essence, and none of that matters any longer.
What have I returned with of such positive value (and of even paradigm shifting dimensions)?
It's set forth on this web site (www.esse.org) in general, and in The Great Swindle, the Compass of The Circle of Esse, and the section Esoterica, in particular.
Can it accomplish its obvious and ultimate positive, even paradigm shifting purpose? Absolutely (and will do so for any individual who is ready and willing to accept and embrace it within himself).
Can it do so on a broader, societal level? Again, absolutely it can.
But the more pressing question is, 'Will it do so?' And the answer to that is a less satisfying, 'Don't know.'
What will decide whether it will or not? That, too, is set forth on this web site, in detail, but the general answer is how many individuals accept and embrace it within themselves, as individuals, and then come together to act in concert as to what they have seen.
So, with so much now depending on what others may or may not see and do, what, in the end, has my journey, and its result, actually accomplished of any genuine worth?
Precisely what I set out to accomplish those many years ago. I had no clarity then as to any aspect of what the ultimate result would be, and only a hope I would be able to recognize it if and when it ever arrived. It now has. (Actually it was right there all along, and its arrival consists entirely of my now fully seeing it). And I now do, finally, in fact, not only fully see it, but fully and clearly see it as being the very thing I had initially set out to find .
It may not be as superficially magically easy and otherwise pretty as I (and others) might have hoped. But then, what I might have hoped for was not what I was seeking. Instead, I was looking for truth - reality - whatever that might turn out to be (and however unanticipated and unwelcome it might appear).
That is what I ultimately found and have now returned with.
And being truth - reality - it is actually far more genuinely 'magikal' and sublimely beautiful than any superficial counterfeit could even begin to be.
And, now knowing that I have finally grasped, and returned with, this fundamental cosmic Truth, in its earthly fullness, I also know, as part of the fullness of that Truth, that I have now done, and am doing, all I, as one individual, can do.
For myself, I have now fully accepted the totality of that Truth, and am now being and living according to it, as best I can (and it's working for me - quite well actually - to the extent I allow it to do so).
Beyond myself, I now present it to others, including in particular, but certainly not exclusively, those to whom I wrote my earlier letter, to find such value in it for themselves as they might be ready and willing to find. (As to the addressees of my earlier letter, I harbor no expectations but a profound hope they will each perceive the same benefits available to each of them in their own individual acceptance and embrace of this truth as I now so clearly see. My love for them is just that real and deep).
It's all within the pages of this web site - as clearly as I am (or anyone else is?) capable of making it.
I suppose I could write yet thousands more words on the subject, and may very well (and, indeed, already have).
But for those ready to perceive their deeper, truer meaning - these are enough.
May we all live and grow within The Circle, and what it represents.
(And, Good Theater to all!)