Famous Quotes

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
--Bobcat Goldthwait

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
--Jim Carrey

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
--Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
--John Mendoza

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
--Bob Ettinger

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
--Bruce Baum

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
--Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
--Ellen DeGeneres

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
--Jake Johansen

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
--Lily Tomlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottleopeners. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
--Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
--Paul Rodriguez

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A
truck!'
--Emo Phillips

"WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER"
-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL"
-Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS"
-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO"
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA, IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE"
-Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET"
-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS"
-Andrew Mathis

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK"
-Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE"
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE"
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
-A congressional candidate in Texas

"IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY."
- Richard M. Nixon

"WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS BEEN DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS? THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON."
-Samuel Goldwyn

"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE
WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND,AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
-John Wayne

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
-General William Westmoreland

"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle (Right on, Danny!!!)

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle (You da man, Danny!)

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
--Gerry Brown

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
--George Bush, US President


"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them."
--George Bush, US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
--Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"Please provide the date of your death."
--from an IRS letter

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
--Richard Nixon, US President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."
--Parish Magazine

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
--Bill Peterson, football coach

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
--Dan Quayle, US VP (you are my idol, Danny!)

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
--Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
--Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
--Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

"I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents."
--George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Dan Quayle

"Potatoe"
--Dan Quayle

"The road of good intentions is paved with Hell."
--Spencer Ante

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
--Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
--Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
--Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."
--Dan Quayle

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
--Rear Admiral James R. Hogg

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
--Dan Quayle

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
--Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
--Batman Costume warning label